


If I needed you

by Schist



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - 19th Century, Bank Robbers, Crime, M/M, Slow Burn, Western
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-14 13:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 67,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3413129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schist/pseuds/Schist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James is part of a train robbing gang, when one day a new guy joins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

We had waited long enough to start getting antsy, and the small cabin started to feel like it was closing in on us. I wanted to get up and pace around the little room, but resisted the temptation. It would only make matters worse.

“Fuck this” Jacky said and banged his fist on the table, making me jump. “Let’s go.”

“We can’t go without Clay” I said, trying to remain patient.

“Well, we can’t wait around here forever!”

Jacky got up and went towards the door.

“You’re going to rob the train by yourself?” I asked, still sitting by the rickety little table.

Jacky turned around and looked at me.

“What, you’re not coming?” he said, looking surprised.

I tried not to let it show how irritated I felt. It would only make him more annoying.

“Not without Clay” I said patiently. “He’s right. Three is not enough to rob the train. We need one more. Two is definitely not enough. Do you _want_ to get caught?”

Jacky snorted, but didn’t say anything. He sat down again and started to tap his fingers restlessly against the table. It was getting on my nerves, but I forced myself to sit still and do nothing.

“How do we know this new guy is any good?” Jacky said after a while.

“If Clay thinks he’s good, I’m sure he is.”

Jacky glared at me and was about to say something when we heard hoof beats outside. We both sat up straight, and my hand automatically went to the gun at my hip. Jacky looked out the window.

“It’s them” he said, and we both relaxed a little.

The door opened and Clay came in, followed by a young man I had never seen before.

“Guys” Clay said. “This is Niki, our newest member. Niki, say hi to Jim and Jacky.”

“James” I said and extended my hand to the newbie.

“Jim has pretensions” Clay said and laughed.

Niki took my hand, but didn’t say anything, just looked at me. He was half a foot shorter than I was, and had to tip his head back to see me from under the brim of his hat. There was something guarded in his eyes.  He turned to Jacky, who scrutinized him as if he was a horse for sale.

“A bit young, isn’t he?” Jacky said.

I had to agree, he did look very young. There was something boyish and fresh-faced about him, despite the suspicious look in his eyes.

“I’m twenty-four” he said with a strong accent.

“German?” Jacky said.

Niki nodded.

“You’re not very big, are you?”

“Neither are you” he said.

I laughed, but I had to admit, the new guy wasn’t very impressive. He was small and skinny and had quite an overbite that together with his size and his brown hair made him look like a mouse. But I liked the intelligence in his eyes.

“Listen” Clay said. “I don’t give a fuck what either of you think. Niki’s with us. I have reasons to trust him, and if you don’t like it you can fuck off. Now, we need to go. We don’t want to miss the train.”

He grinned. He did the joke about missing the train every single time, and it never got old for him.

We went outside to the horses. I saw Jacky give Niki a shove, but not hard enough to push him off his feet. I waited, expecting a fight to break out, but Niki acted like he hadn’t even felt it. I started to feel the first hint of respect. It seemed like the little mouse could handle himself.

“Don’t mind Jacky” I mumbled to him when we were untying our horses. “The guy you’re replacing, Frank, was Jacky’s friend.”

Niki shrugged, a bored look on his face, and climbed onto his horse.

 

The charge was always my favorite part. First the focused silence while waiting for the train to arrive at the right spot, everyone tense with anticipation, the horses restless. Then Clay’s signal, and we all rode out of our hiding place and rode right for whatever train car we had agreed to target. Getting from the horse to the train was difficult and dangerous. That’s how Frank had died. Jacky liked to brag about how Frank had died on the job, which made it sound dramatic and impressive, but the truth was he had fallen from his horse and gotten crushed under the train. I had never thought much about the risks before that, but I did now.

It was Jacky’s turn to take the horses, so he stayed on his while Clay, Niki and I approached the train. I just barely made it onto the platform, and watched the newcomer get onto his feet on his saddle and then jump. It was obviously not the first time he’d done this. He met my eyes for half a second. Clay motioned towards the door to the car, and we all drew our guns. Then I opened the door and went inside.

Robbing trains was fun. Since the passengers were stuck in the car with nowhere to go, they rarely put up a fight. It happened sometimes that one of the male passengers wanted to try and be a hero, draw his gun and impress some woman, but we had more guns, quicker reflexes and did not hesitate to use them. We hadn’t actually shot anyone yet, but a warning shot or two tended to do the trick.  

When the door slammed open everybody turned to look at me. I waved my guns in the air and smiled, enjoying the collective gasp.

“That’s right, ladies and gentlemen” I said. “This is a robbery. Now, everybody just be nice and calm and hand over your valuables, and we’ll be out of your way in no time.”

Somebody started to cry, and someone else muttered angrily.

“Now, there’s no reason to be upset” I said and started to hand my bag around. “We all gotta make a living. Just hand over what you’ve got, and nobody will get hurt. The railway insurance will have you nicely compensated for your troubles.”

I walked down the aisle, collecting wallets, watches and jewelry. A frightened-looking man in glasses tried to hand me a book, and I smiled at him.

“You keep that, son” I said. “I’ve got no use for books.”

The look of relief on his face was heart-breaking. A pretty brunette in a lavender hat and dress handed me a pearl necklace and gave me a quick smile. She looked both scared and excited, and I felt a tingle in my groins. How I would love to take her with me. I smiled and winked at her, and she blushed. A bit further down the aisle another girl, this one in pale green, reluctantly gave me a gold brooch with tears in her eyes.

“Mean a lot to you, does it?” I whispered.

She nodded.

“Keep it, love” I said. “But don’t tell anyone.”

She nodded again and quickly tucked the brooch inside her dress. I smiled at her and moved on. Clay and Niki stayed by the other end of the car, ready to cover me in case of trouble.

“Okay boys, time to go” Clay said when I had finished the whole car.

I walked back through the car, waved a dramatic goodbye and went out onto the platform again. We waited until there was a patch of soft ground by the railway, and then jumped. We ran into the cover of bushes and trees, away from the train, and then hid, waiting for Jacky and the horses.

“Good job, boys!” Clay said and slapped Niki in the back. “That was a good one.”

It really was. No trouble, no shooting, just quickly in and out, with a nice bag of valuables.

“A bit theatric, wasn’t it?” Niki said.

“Jim likes that” Clay said. “He can have his fun as long as he gets the job done.”

Niki seemed to think it over, and then shrugged. We heard the sound of hoof beats, and drew our guns before we saw it was Jacky with our horses.

 

We went back to the cabin and divided the cash and gold between us. Clay took the watches and jewelry to sell them and give us our share later.

“Why _you_?”

We all turned to look at Niki. Clay seemed surprised. Nobody had questioned the way we worked before.

“Clay always sells the goods” I explained. “He’s good at it.”

“Where do you sell them?” Niki asked. “How do you know you get a good price?”

Somehow his German accent made him sound even ruder than he was. I expected Clay to be annoyed, but he took it in good spirits and started explaining how different dealers that might be interested in different things. I lost interest and started counting my money again, thinking about how long they would last me before we needed to do another hit.

“I want to come” Niki said. “When you sell this.”

Silence.

Everyone looked at each other, and then waited for Clay to react. I thought our newcomer would be out on his ass before he could open his mouth one more time. But Clay shrugged.

“Fine” he said.

The mood was a bit strange after that. We all counted our money and chatted about what to do with it (women and booze seeming to be the preference), pretending that our little mouse hadn’t just challenged our leader. I felt strange thinking about it. Part of me kind of liked Niki, but at the same time I thought our gang would be better off without him. He smelled like trouble.

We left the cabin and headed into town. It was getting dark, and the saloon was full of people and noise when we got there. Someone was playing the piano, loudly and badly, and right next to it a poker game was on the verge of turning into a fist fight. I felt high on our successful hit and the money burned in my pockets. I was determined to have a fantastic evening. We had a quick meal, and then I went to the bar. Niki and Jacky joined me and we each ordered a whiskey.

“Cheers to money” I said and raised my glass.

“Cheers!” Jacky yelled.

I drank mine in one go, and ordered another. I drank this one more slowly and watched the crowd, trying to see if _she_ was there. Suzy Miller. She was in town with her brother to take over their father’s mill after he died, and I had fallen for her the moment I saw her.

Clay came up to us after a while, his arm around one of the hookers.

“Well boys” he said. “I have a date! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t!”

The girl by his side grinned and toasted us with the bottle she was holding. Jacky toasted her back.

“I need to find myself some company too” he said. “How about you guys?”

“Maybe later” I said.

Jacky turned to Niki, who shook his head. Jacky slapped him on the back.

“Lighten up, ratty” he said. “Maybe a hot girl will put a smile on that ugly face of yours.”

I gave him a warning look, but Jacky just grinned.

“He does look like a rat” he said. “Don’t you, ratty?”

Niki smiled, and to my surprise looked genuinely amused.

“See?” Jacky said. “He likes it.”

He took off. I looked at Niki.

“It’s not the first time I’ve been teased about my teeth” he said and shrugged. “I appreciate him saying it to my face rather than behind my back.”

I thought it over for a moment, and then shrugged. I was happy they hadn’t gotten into a fight, and that was enough for me.

“You don’t like the working girls?” I asked and nodded towards the hookers who were standing over by the stairs scouting for customers.

“Sure” he said. “Maybe later. I want to play some cards first.”

He looked over at the various poker games going on, but didn’t seem to find one to his liking.

“How about you?” he asked.

“I’m waiting for someone.”

He broke into a wide grin. Smiling like that made his front teeth stand out even more, and I had to stop myself from laughing at him.

“A special someone?” he asked.

I nodded and went back to watching the crowd. No Suzy. I was starting to feel restless. What if she didn’t come tonight? I could go upstairs with one of the hookers, but it wouldn’t be the same. I touched the necklace I had kept in my pocket from the robbery. I wanted to give it to her.

“How long have you been doing this?” Niki asked after a while.

“What? The trains?”

“Yeah.”

“About a year.”

“And before that?”

“Coaches, mostly. Riders. Road ambushes.”

“Never had a decent trade?”

I shook my head.

“Never one that seemed worth the effort. How about you?”

He shrugged.

“Poker mostly. Scams. A few robberies.”

I nodded, and we stood in silence for a while, nursing our whiskeys. Suddenly Niki emptied his glass, put it down on the bar and walked over to one of the tables. I watched him discuss with the players there, and they made room for him to sit down. I watched him play for a while, but then lost interest when Arthur Miller walked in with his sister in tow. They had another man with them, I thought he was Mr Miller’s business partner, and I watched them sit down and order drinks. Suzy looked around the room, and gave me a quick smile when she found me. I smiled back.

After a while Mr Miller and his friend went to join the poker game Niki was in, leaving Suzy with a couple of lady friends, and I saw my chance. On my way to her table I stopped by Niki.

“Hey, how’s it going?” I asked.

“Good” he said, which was an understatement considering the pile of money he had collected already.

I leaned closer so I could whisper in his ear.

“That fop in the lace collar is Mr Miller. Keep him busy for a while, will you? I need to… have a conversation with his sister.”

Niki grinned, his eyes glittering.

“Count on me” he said. “I’ll bleed him dry, but slowly.”

“Good lad” I said and headed to Suzy’s table.

We snuck out of the saloon while Mr Miller was busy with his cards, and went to the hotel next door. When we got into my room and I locked the door behind us we stood still for a moment just looking at each other.

“Finally” I said. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

She was so beautiful. And so willing. There was a fire burning in both of us and she yelled my name in the most satisfactory way when I made her come.

“God” she said as we collapsed next to each other on the bed. “Before I met you I had no idea that anything could feel like this. No idea…”

I smiled and stroked her hair.

“How long are you staying?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Depends.”

On how well the train robbery was investigated, and if the sheriff figured out it was us. We had to be ready to leave town at very short notice.

“When you go I want you to take me with you” she said.

I laughed.

“How could I do that?” I said. “What would your brother say?”

She snorted with contempt.

“Like I care what he says” she said and turned angry eyes at me. “You don’t think a woman can want some adventure as well? All I do is sit around and look pretty talking to his business associates. They’re so boring I want to scream. Not like you…”

I smiled and kissed her.

“Let’s think about it” I said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of Austria's somewhat complicated history (it didn't exist as a nation in the 19th century) I've made Niki German.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up alone in my room the next morning. Suzy had to leave the night before, to avoid raising too much suspicion, and I felt a little lost and lonely without her. As I got up and got dressed I thought about what she had said. What if she could actually come with us… I would love to have her with me all the time, but could she be part of a gang of train robbers? The thought was ridiculous, which just made it more appealing. I had always been attracted by the impossible.

I came down to breakfast, and Niki and Jacky were sitting in silence, eating eggs and drinking coffee.

“Morning” I said and nodded to the waiter to bring me breakfast before I sat down at their table.

Niki nodded, and Jacky just kept staring angrily at his eggs as if they’d insulted him.

“What’s the happy occasion?” I asked.

No answer, but I could see Niki trying to suppress a smile. Jacky looked even angrier.

“What?” I asked. “Is anyone going to tell me what’s going on?”

Niki broke into a smile. Jacky gave him a look that could kill.

“We played poker” Niki said. “I won.”

I looked at Jacky, who nodded.

“How much did he win?” I asked.

“Everything” Jacky muttered.

I laughed.

“He got everything? From yesterday? You’re broke?”

Jacky nodded again, looking more embarrassed than angry now.

“I told you to quit before you were broke” Niki said, not without satisfaction. “You have no impulse control.”

“Apparently” Jacky muttered.

“I could lend you some money if you want” Niki said. “For a price, of course.”

Jacky glared at him. Niki laughed. Then he finished his coffee, got up and put his hat on.

“See you later” he said and left.

I looked at the door where he had disappeared, and then turned to look at Jacky. He chuckled.

“I like him” he said. “He’s not very friendly, but he’s smart and he can handle himself.”

“I guess so” I said.

I wasn’t really listening. I was thinking about Suzy, and how I could take her with us.

“And with the teeth and the accent he’s kinda funny” Jacky went on. “If I’m going to spend this much time in the company of other men I like them to at least amuse me.”

It was only a matter of time before we would have to leave. You couldn’t hit trains in the same spot twice unless you really wanted to get caught. I had no idea where we would be going, and getting back here to see Suzy would be difficult and risky.

“Jim!” Jacky said. “Are you even listening?”

 

We spent the next few days in town. I ran into the others now and then – it was hard to avoid in a town with one saloon and one hotel – but I didn’t tell them about my plans to bring Suzy when we moved. I went out to her house almost every night and tapped quietly at her window. She opened it and let me in.

“Are you serious about coming with us?” I asked one night, after a hushed, whispered love-making in her bed.

“Yes!” she said. “I’ve even put away some of Jacob’s clothes he gave me to fix. I’m going to alter them to fit me.”

“You’re going to wear men’s clothes?”

“Of course!” she said, sounding annoyed. “You don’t think I’m joining your little gang of crooks dressed like a lady? Have you ever tried to ride in a dress?”

“Crooks?”

She sighed.

“I know you’re doing something illegal” she said. “I don’t care. Just take me away from here. We’ll go somewhere far away, scrape some money together and get a place of our own. Maybe a little store…”

I left her house that night with my head full of excited dreams. Suzy’s plans sounded wonderful and I imagined us on the road together, robbing our way to that bright future she had painted for us. A house, a store, maybe some kids… Somewhere deep inside I had a nagging suspicion that it wouldn’t be that easy. There were too many unknowns, too much relying on luck. But I didn’t want to think about that. I wanted Suzy, and we could work out the kinks later. 

 

About a week passed. We had a meeting to discuss when to move on. Clay had found a hooker he liked and wanted to stay for a while. Jacky, being short on money, wanted to go right away. I of course wanted to wait until I knew what to do with Suzy, but I didn’t want to tell anyone. Clay and Niki managed to sell the jewelry and handed the money out to all of us, so even Jacky had cash again and calmed down. We decided to stay for at least another week. We spent a lot of time at the saloon, Niki at the poker tables. I played against him a few times, and had to admit he was good. Maybe a little too good for his own health, as it turned out.

I was at the saloon having a drink, and Niki was at the poker table. Clay and Jacky were God knows where. I was standing at the bar chatting to some gold diggers who’d just arrived from New England, when I heard raised voices from the poker table. A man in a ridiculously elaborate coat slammed his fists on the table in anger and stood up.

“You cheat!” he yelled at Niki.

Niki remained calmly seated.

“Don’t be stupid” he said. “Sit down.”

The man in the coat drew a gun and pointed it at Niki. Everyone in the vicinity moved out of the way. I looked on in fascinated horror, wondering if I should try and do something. But what? If the idiot had gotten himself into this mess, let him sort it out.

“Put that away” Niki said, sounding annoyed. “You’re acting like an idiot. I’m not cheating, I’m just better than you.”

The man’s face got even redder than before, and the hand holding the gun started to shake. Niki sat still as if frozen in place, but I couldn’t tell if he was scared or just angry. His face was hard and cold.

“Get up!” the man yelled and waved the gun at him. “Get your gun out and let’s take this out to the street.”

“Excellent idea” the bartender chimed in. “Get the hell out of here both of you.”

Niki finally put his cards down, and then shoved the table at his opponent. It hit him hard enough to make him lose balance and he had to put his hands down to steady himself. Niki was on his feet in an instant and ran for the door, but the man in the ridiculous coat was too quick and grabbed him.

I had to step in. Niki was about half a foot shorter and 30 pounds lighter than his opponent, and didn’t stand a chance.

The moment I joined the fight, others did too. I had intended to break up the fight and get Niki out, but before I knew it I was involved in a chaos of flying fists and crashing bottles and hardly knew who I was fighting. The good thing about that was that when I finally got hold of Niki I could drag him out without anyone noticing. The bad thing was that we both got quite beaten up in the process.

“Get your horse!” I yelled as we stumbled onto the dark street.

“It’s not here” Niki said. “It’s in the stable.”

“Fuck.”

I untied my horse, helped Niki onto it and got up behind him. We galloped off and I expected gun shots behind us at any moment. As we left town I heard distant shouting, but fortunately that was it. I slowed the horse down to a walk after a while, hoping that no one was following us.

“Are you okay?” I asked as we slowly rode through the dark wilderness.

No reply. I moved a little to try and get a better grip on him, and felt something wet down his back. Shit. I put my arm around him to steady him, and steered the horse with the other hand. When we got to a small creek I followed it a bit off the path and then stopped. I didn’t hear anyone follow us, but I didn’t want to take any chances. We could stay out here for a bit and wait for things to calm down, and then go back to town. I got off the horse.

“Come on” I said to Niki. “Get off.”

He did as I said, but the moment his feet reached the ground his knees buckled under him and he collapsed on the ground.

“Shit. Niki!” I said, trying to shake some life into him.

He stirred and groaned, but didn’t get up. It was too dark to see how he was hurt, and I let him go and hurriedly started to gather wood for a fire. While I was working on getting it going I wondered why I felt so scared. If Niki died it was his own damned fault, and why would I care? I barely knew him. But I did care, and as soon as the fire was burning brightly enough I turned to him to inspect the damages.

His nose was bleeding, but other than that his face looked mostly unharmed. I turned him around and saw that his shoulders and back were soaked with blood. I almost threw up and thought someone must have shot him after all, but then I saw a cut on the back of his head. It was deep enough to bleed badly, but not enough so I could see bone. I got a handkerchief out of my pocket, dipped it in the creek and started to clean the blood off so I could see if there were any other injuries. It wasn’t the first time I helped an injured friend, but this felt strangely intimate. Maybe it was because he seemed so private and reserved, and would never have let me this close if he had been fully conscious. When I was finished the cut had almost stopped bleeding. The back of his shirt was still soaked with blood, but his neck and hair were more or less clean, and I hadn’t found any other injuries. I improvised a bandage out of my spare shirt, thinking he really owed me one now. When I was done I turned him onto his back again and proceeded to clean his face.

Cold water to his face seemed to wake him up, but not all the way. He opened his eyes, but stared into space without seeing.

“Niki” I said. “Wake up.”

His eyes came into focus, and he looked at me. I smiled, awash with relief.

“There you are” I said. “Can you sit up?”

He sat up slowly.

“What happened?” he mumbled.

“Someone wacked you on the head. Are you hurt anywhere else?”

He touched the bandage on his head and winced.

“I don’t think so” he said. “How about you?”

“No. I’ll be black and blue in the morning, but I’m fine. Do you remember the fight?”

He nodded. We sat quietly looking at the fire for a while. I didn’t know what to do now that the immediate crisis was over. I should get us better shelter for the night, but didn’t quite feel like moving. I couldn’t understand this strange feeling I had, as if this was something special, sitting here in the forest with Niki. As if it mattered.

“Did you cheat?” I asked.

He chuckled.

“Of course I did” he said with a smile, but he sounded tired. “That’s how you succeed in poker. You cheat really well.”

“But the guy found you out?”

“No. He was just upset because I won too much. He was right. I got greedy. I should have held back.”

He sounded sleepy now, stumbling over the words, his accent getting stronger so that I had to concentrate to understand him.

“What will you do now?” I asked.

“Walk back in tomorrow in wounded pride. Stay out of playing for a few days, and then play like nothing happened. I didn’t start the fight, and I will never admit I was cheating. So they can’t hold anything against me.”

I laughed.

“You don’t learn, do you?” I asked.

“I’m very tired” he said and closed his eyes.

“Do you want to go back to town? Or to the cabin? Might be hard to find it in the dark, though.”

“I want to sleep” he said and lay down on the ground.

“Wait, take my blanket.”

I got up and got my blanket from my saddle. I helped him wrap it around him, and then sat down again. He fell asleep right away, and I was left alone sitting by the fire wondering what to do now. It would be a cold night without the blanket. I could build the fire up a bit more, but then I would have to stay awake and maintain it. Staying awake was no problem, but I would never be able to handle the boredom of sitting by myself all night. I looked at Niki. The light from the fire fell on his face. His lips were slightly parted and I could see his teeth, but his overbite didn’t look so bad now. In the light from the fire his face was almost beautiful, and I suddenly noticed how long his eyelashes were. Like a girl’s. I watched the shadows dance across his face, unruly curls of his hair sticking out under the bandage, and felt a strange tenderness inside. I wanted to protect him, but didn’t know from what. It was a feeling I’d never had before, certainly not for another man. Thinking about this occupied me for a time, but eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up a few hours later, my whole body shaking. The fire had gone out completely, and it was bitterly cold. I could see my breath in the air. To get the fire going again I would have to start from the beginning, and going into the forest to look for wood was the last thing I wanted. I was so tired, and my limbs were stiff and sore from the cold and the fight earlier.

I looked at Niki. He was deeply asleep, wrapped in my only blanket. The thought of his body heat was much more appealing than the thought of trying to light the fire again, and surely he wouldn’t mind? I had saved him after all, and given him my blanket. But still I hesitated. The strange, tender feeling was still with me, and I was reluctant to get close to him again. I wasn’t sure how it would make me feel. But the cold soon decided for me, and I carefully loosened the blanket and lay down behind him with my chest against his back. He didn’t stir at all, and for a horrible moment I thought he was dead. Then I felt his chest rise and fall, and relaxed. I wrapped the blanket around us as best I could, carefully put my arm around Niki’s waist and tried to sleep. This was definitely warmer, but not warm enough. My chest and stomach were nice and warm, even hot, but my back was cold. And no matter how I put my head I couldn’t seem to avoid Niki’s hair tickling my face. I could smell it, as well as his body and clothes, and the strange feeling grew stronger. I realized I liked being this close to him, and not just for the warmth. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up Niki was sitting by the fire, patiently feeding it with sticks. He looked terrible, with my makeshift bandage and his bloody shirt, and that strange feeling of tenderness towards him returned stronger than before. I lay still for a moment, watching him and wondering what I was feeling. I’d had feelings for men before, so it didn’t come as a total surprise. But not like this. And him of all people?

I sat up, and he looked at me. He had some bruises on his face that I hadn’t seen last night, but not too bad.

“Good morning” I said.

He nodded, something guarded in his eyes, and went back to tending the fire. I put the blanket around my shoulders and moved closer to the fire to get warmed up.

“There’s room for you too” I said and held a corner of the blanket up for him.

He shook his head without looking at me. I looked around to see where we were. Everything looked so different now when it was light. The air was already warmer. Part of me wanted to go back to the middle of the night when he had been so dependent on me, and I had been responsible for us both. Sitting there by the fire watching him sleep had been strangely pleasant. I tried to shake off the feeling.

“I hope you didn’t mind” I said and nodded towards the spot where we had slept. “It was awfully cold.”

“Of course not” he said, still without looking at me. “Thank you for helping me.”

“No problem.”

I reluctantly got to my feet and got some coffee and dried meat out of my saddle bags. It was my emergency stash but would make do for a simple breakfast. I tried to chat while we waited for the coffee to boil, but there was a strange, tense mood between us.

 How’s your head?” I asked when the coffee was finished.

“It hurts like hell” he said with a hint of a smile and gingerly touched the back of his head. “How long do I need the bandage?”

“Let me have a look.”

I put my cup down and carefully took the bandage off, hyper-aware of being so close to him, touching him. The part that covered the wound was stiff with dried blood and must have been painful to remove, but he didn’t move a muscle when I pulled it off.

“It looks OK” I sad and pressed gently around the cut to see if anything seemed broken. His skull seemed intact. “Does this hurt?”

“Yes.”

“Keep the bandage on for a few days in case it starts bleeding again. Does your head work normal? I mean, can you see, hear, keep your balance like usual?”

“Yes. How do you know about all this doctor stuff?”

I started putting the bandage back on, sorting his hair with my fingers to make it neater under the bandage. It might not have been strictly necessary, but I enjoyed touching it. I made myself stop and finished the bandage.

“I was going to be a doctor” I said. “Just like my father. I had started my training when… well, my plans changed.”

“They do that sometimes” he said, and there was a moment of silent understanding.

I wanted to ask him how he had ended up here. I thought he might have answered truthfully, we had that sort of vibe now. He emptied his cup and put it down.

“Is that all the food we have?” he asked.

“Yeah” I said. “I just carry a little for emergencies. We should get back to town.”

We packed up, put the fire out and got the horse ready in amicable silence. We took turns riding and walking back to town. It wasn’t very far. When we got to the hotel we sat down in the restaurant and wolfed down our breakfast in further silence, both of us famished. After a while Clay joined us.

“So, you made it” he said, and looked at Niki. “Barely. Jesus, did someone shoot you?”

Niki shook his head, his mouth full of food.

“Someone must have hit him with something” I said. “A broken bottle or something. He’s fine.”

“What happened?”

“Just a bad loser” Niki said.

“Fine” Clay said. “Any reason for us to up and leave sooner than planned?”

“Nope” Niki said without taking his eyes off his food.

“Good. See you boys later. And Niki, you might want a change of clothes and a visit to the doc. You look like a walking corpse.”

“Fuck off.”

Clay laughed and left. After breakfast Niki went to his room to wash and change, and I was left alone to ponder my problems. I didn’t want to think about our night in the forest, so I thought about Suzy instead. But try as I might I just couldn’t muster up the same enthusiasm anymore. Having her with us didn’t seem nearly as good an idea as it had. I tried to decide what to do, but got nowhere.


	3. Chapter 3

Niki wasn’t in the saloon that night. I didn’t think much of it, but when he didn’t show up the next night either I got worried. Head injuries can be serious, and I couldn’t fight off a mental image of him lying dead in his room. The next morning I couldn’t take it anymore and went up to his room. I knocked on the door and a surge of relief went through me when the door opened. Niki looked endlessly better than he had when I last saw him. He had taken the bandage off, washed his hair, and he must have been outside the hotel at some point because he was wearing brand new clothes.

“Hi” he said.

“Hi. I just wanted to check if… you haven’t been to the card tables in a few days, and…”

Suddenly I felt ridiculous for coming. He was obviously fine, and why would I care anyway? I must look like such an idiot.

“Come in” he said and opened the door wider to let me through.

I hesitated a moment and then stepped inside. His room was identical to mine, or had been if mine hadn’t been a mess and his impeccably neat.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I still have a headache” he said. “It’s OK, but I don’t want to play until I’m back in good form.”

“I see. So what do you do instead?”

He shrugged.

“Nothing much. Read, sleep, think…”

“I’d go mad holed up in here alone for days.”

“I don’t mind being alone.”

I looked at him.

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked.

“No, it’s fine. Do you want a drink? Or coffee?”

“Coffee would be nice.”

He had a pot on the stove. I had one in my room too, but it had never occurred to me that I could make coffee in my room. He poured two cups and handed me one.

“I’ve been watching the store across the street” he said and went to the window. “They take their money with them at the same time every night. It would be the easiest thing in the world to ambush them.”

I walked up to him and looked at the hardware store across the street. I tried to take in what he had just said, but was too aware of his presence. I remembered how I had tried to sleep with my nose in his hair, and longed to do it again.

“We could suggest it to Clay” I said.

He snorted with contempt.

“Or we do it ourselves” he said.

I looked at him in surprise. He made an irritated face.

“Come on” he said. “Stop pretending to be stupid, I know you’re not. We don’t need that clown. And Jacky is just an accident waiting to happen. Although I do kinda like him.”

He grinned sheepishly, and I realized I didn’t think he looked funny anymore. He looked good, and the rodent smile just added charm and character to a pretty face.

“You really think we should ditch Clay?” I asked.

“Yes. If we take off you and me together we can get to a whole different level. No small time robberies. We could go for the big stuff. Banks, money transports… “

My mind reeled. I had relied on Clay as a substitute father, and the idea of kicking him out of his own gang felt impossible. Yet I could see Niki’s point. Clay was stuck in train robbery, doing the same thing again and again. He would never dream of watching a store to see what they did with their money.

“I don’t know” I said. “I’ve been with Clay so long…”

He shrugged.

“Think about it” he said. “I can’t do it myself, I need you. Maybe Jacky would do, but you’re better.”

“When?”

“Right before we leave. We wait for them to take the money out back, take the money and go. Without Clay.”

We chatted a bit about nothing special while we finished our coffee, and then I left. I was impressed by his ambition, and his simple yet efficient plan. He’d thought about everything, all I had to do was join him. But the thought of ditching Clay, and maybe Jacky… it felt awful. And what would it be like to ride off with Niki? The way I felt about him held the potential for disaster, and I couldn’t see how being alone with him on the road would improve anything. Yet the thought of doing just that was even more attractive than the money involved.

It wasn’t until later that night, when I was on my way to Suzy’s house, that I realized there was no room for her in Niki’s plan.

 

The days went by and I couldn’t come to a decision one way or another. Suzy had been showering me with questions about when we were leaving, and talking endlessly about everything we would do in our “new life”. The more she talked, the more annoyed I got with her fantasies. I still loved her, but I didn’t seem to feel the same enthusiasm any more. I ran into Clay now and then; eating at the restaurant in the hotel, or hanging out at the saloon, and found myself watching him, thinking about what Niki had said. Could I leave him and go my own way? There was something wonderfully exciting about that idea. No more following Clay’s rules and orders. I would be free to go where I wanted. A new kind of future seemed to open up in front of me, if I was willing to grab it. Still, it made me sad to think about.

“What’s up with you?” Jacky asked one night at the saloon.

“What? Nothing.”

He snorted.

“Nothing? You’re moping around, hardly saying a word. Is it that girl you’re hanging out with?”

“What? No. Well, maybe. I don’t know.”

I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly I heard myself telling him about Niki’s plan. To my defense I was quite drunk. Jacky went up in flames.

“That’s a brilliant idea!” he said. “I’ve been waiting forever for an opportunity like this. I can’t believe little Ratty thought of it. He’s not as dumb as he looks, is he?”

He looked over at Niki, who was back at the poker table, with something like pride. I found myself getting just a little bit jealous.

“But we can’t leave Clay!” I said and swallowed a lump in my throat.

The whiskey was making me sentimental.

“Well” Jacky said and shrugged. “It’s not very nice, but it’s the way things are. He’s too old, he’s holding us back.”

“Do you really think so?”

He shrugged.

“Well, he is!”

“Why haven’t you said anything?” I asked.

“There were no options. Now there is.”

“So you’re willing to ditch Clay and follow Niki instead?”

He shrugged again and I felt a stab of disgust over how cold he was.

“If he gets me money” he said.

“You two should go off together” I said. “You fit each other perfectly.”

Then I thought about what Niki had said when we talked in his room. _Jacky would do, but I prefer you. I need you._ There was no way I could let him go off without me, and I realized that I had finally come to a decision.

 

We met in the saloon the next night, when Clay was busy with his hooker.

“So, this idea of yours. The hardware store” Jacky said. “I’m in.”

Niki looked at me. I made an apologetic face, and he rolled his eyes.

“OK” he said. “James?”

“I’m in” I said.

“Did you tell Clay too?” Niki asked me pointedly.

“No” I said. “He doesn’t know anything.”

“Wait” Jacky said and stared first at me and then at Niki when it started to dawn on him what we were talking about. “I wasn’t supposed to know?”

Niki sighed.

“Don’t cry about it” he said. “I hadn’t decided yet who to take with me. I don’t mind if you come.”

“You don’t _mind_? But you told him?”

He nodded at me. Niki shrugged.

“If we’re doing this we have to plan it very carefully. I want everybody to know exactly what to do, and when. And no drinking or fooling around before, I want you focused.”

“Well, that sounds like fun” Jacky said.

 

We spent some time planning the hit, decided it would take place the following night, and then went our separate ways until it was time to meet up at the hardware store. I felt terrible. I was ditching Clay AND Suzy, and desperately tried to find a way to make it right. I couldn’t tell either of them what we were planning, because they would want to come along. Maybe I could write them each a letter… make sure they got them after we were gone. I could try to explain, and apologize, but what good would that do?

That night I didn’t go to Suzy’s house, I couldn’t stand facing her at the moment. I went alone to my hotel room and tried to sleep, but my conscience wouldn’t let me. Finally I’d had enough. I got out of bed, pulled my clothes on and went over to Niki’s room. I had to knock several times before he opened, wearing only his underwear, hair a mess, sleep in his eyes and a gun in his hand.

“James?” he asked. “What…”

“I can’t do it” I said.

“What?”

He was struggling to wake up enough to understand what I was saying.

“Come in” he said.

I stepped inside the dark room, closed the door and waited while he put the gun down and lit a candle. Seeing him half dressed and half awake made me even more confused about what I was about to do. I couldn’t stand letting him ride off without me, but I couldn’t go ahead with our plan either.

“I can’t leave Clay” I said. “Without us, he has nothing. No one. How will he get by? He can’t rob trains alone!”

Niki sat down on the bed and sighed. I glanced at the rumpled sheets and thought they must still be warm from his body. The thought made me excited and uncomfortable.

“He’ll be fine” he said and yawned. “He may be an idiot, but he’s a resourceful idiot. He did other things before you came along, didn’t he?”

“Well, yes…”

“And when one of your gang died he recruited me. He’ll find other guys to help with his trains.”

“Maybe he will, but it’s just mean.”

He sighed and put a hand over his face as if he couldn’t believe what I was saying.

“You rob people for a living, and you worry about being mean?” he said.

I didn’t know what to say to that. I sat down next to him on the bed. He had some hair that stood straight out on the back of his head, and I really wanted to smooth it down. He looked at me, and there was something intense and intimate about sitting this close to each other, looking at each other in the dim room in the middle of the night.

“If the roles were reversed” he said. “If Clay had an opportunity to make money, that didn’t involve you… Do you think he would hesitate to leave, without saying sorry?”

I didn’t like the sarcasm in his voice, but I had to think about what he said.

“I honestly don’t know” I said.

I suddenly felt very tired. I leaned my elbows on my knees, and my head in my hands.

“I’m a worthless criminal” I said.

Niki laughed. I looked up at him, and for a moment we just sat there looking at each other. I felt absorbed by his eyes. They looked black in the dim light, but I knew they were blue.

He broke off eye contact first.

“I have to get some sleep” he said. “And you have to decide what you want to do.”

“If I don’t come, will you and Jacky go without me?”

He looked at me again, and I thought I saw something like regret in his eyes.

“I’m not staying with Clay” he said.

That didn’t answer the question. I reluctantly got off the bed. I wanted to stay, but didn’t know how that would happen or how I would convince him to let me. What I wanted most of all was to get into bed with him, lie next to him with my nose in his hair, just like we had in the forest a couple of weeks ago. It was a disturbing thought. He got to his feet and we stood looking at each other for a moment, waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. I went to the door and opened it.

“See you tomorrow” I said and stepped outside.

He yawned again.

“Good night” he said and shut the door in my face.


	4. Chapter 4

I was nervous, even to the point of feeling nauseous, when we crept into the alley behind the hardware store. I always felt nervous before a hit, but this was different. I still felt bad about doing this behind Clay’s back, and knowing I would leave town without Suzy. But now I was here and committed to doing it. No turning back now.

Jacky was waiting with the horses just a stone’s throw from the alley, where the town ended and the forest began. He wasn’t happy about being on horse watch again, but hadn’t complained too much. Niki and I were waiting in silence, my heart pounding. I glanced at him. He was standing leaning against a wall and seemed calm enough, but his stillness seemed tense rather than relaxed. I looked at the gun at his hip and hoped we wouldn’t have to shoot anyone. I could live with taking people’s money – it was only money after all – but I didn’t want to kill anyone.

I jumped when the back door opened, spilling light into the alley. Niki had thought of that too, and we stood well outside the rectangle of light from the door. Two men appeared, walked out the door, and closed and locked it behind them. I looked at Niki, and when the two men turned their backs at us to start walking down the alley he gave me the signal. I was to take out the big guy, while he got the smaller one who was carrying the money.

It was almost too easy. They never saw nor heard us come. We each had a piece of wood in our hands, and I slammed mine into the big guy’s head. He dropped to the ground, and Niki did the same with the other guy. He rummaged through his clothes for the package, and then signaled to me that it was time to leave. We snuck away down the alley, without having said a word the whole time.

Jacky was waiting with the horses at the edge of the forest, just as agreed.

“How did it go?” he asked when he saw us.

“Shut up” Niki whispered and got on his horse. “Come on.”

We rode slowly and quietly through the forest, only quickening our pace when we had left the town well behind. We all listened for signs that our crime had been discovered – shouts or maybe gunfire – but heard nothing. It had gone even better than I’d hoped for, and when we left the town behind us I felt a wonderful sense of freedom. My sore conscience finally left me and I felt weightless and happy.

We rode for what must have been a few hours, and didn’t stop until the moon was up.

“This will do” Niki said finally and stopped his horse a bit away from the road. “We stay here for the night. Tomorrow we head on to the next town and decide what to do next.”

It was an old campsite, from the look of it. It lay close to a stream, was sheltered by tall trees and had ashes from old fires in a circle in the middle. We got off our horses and started to prepare our camp. It struck me how easily Jacky and I followed Niki’s orders. He had a natural authority despite his youth, and the smooth, easy robbery had increased our respect for him. We didn’t even question how he wouldn’t open the package and count the money until the camp was ready.

When we had a fire going and a late dinner cooking on it, he took the package out and opened it. We watched in breathless excitement as he took out paper bills, coins and gold nuggets and started counting them. It wasn’t nearly as much as we would have gotten from robbing a train, but it was a wonderful turnout considering how little effort and risk it had involved.

“Not bad” Jacky grinned as Niki handed him his share.

We talked excitedly about the robbery while we ate, and discussed possible targets for the future. I felt elated, almost giddy, about being part of new gang. Niki and Jacky had been right; Clay had been holding us back. It was great to be a part of a gang of young, smart guys with the future ahead of us. Then I thought about Suzy and felt a pang of regret. Mostly though I felt relieved. How could I ever have believed we were meant for each other? I had been so blind. I looked at Niki, who had finished his food and was sitting with his empty bowl still in his hand, seemingly lost in thought. He was staring into the fire, and the warm light from it flickered across his face. I felt a dull pain move through me. I knew what I felt for him, but I realized the odds that he felt the same for me were ridiculously low. Besides, love between men was a sin and an abomination. Not that it should matter much to a criminal.

We started to prepare for the night. I washed the bowls in the creek while Jacky fed the horses and Niki gathered wood to build up the fire. Even though Niki was somewhat in charge there was a pleasant feeling of camaraderie while we performed these simple tasks without speaking much. I recognized the balance of power was different than it had been with Clay. The gang was still so new but I liked the feeling of equality we had so far, and hoped it would stay that way.

 We all rolled up in our blankets and lay down around the fire. I wanted to lie next to Niki so bad it was almost painful. If Jacky hadn’t been there I might have tried. I wondered if he would have let me. That thought kept me awake for a long time.

 

We woke up late the next morning, and took our time having breakfast and breaking camp. We rode on in a relaxed silence and reached a small mining town around noon. It wasn’t much; a main street, a few blocks of newly built houses – you could still smell freshly cut wood – a few shops, a saloon, a hotel and a bath house. We found the livery and stabled our horses. I would have preferred to keep mine ready in case someone came for us after the robbery, but I knew it needed some proper rest and care. We continued on foot.

“I want to start at the bath house” Jacky said. “I haven’t had a bath in months.”

“I might join you” I said. I had always had a weakness for hot water, unhealthy though it may be. “Niki?”

He shrugged.

“Okay” he said.

We went inside. It wasn’t much more than a shack with a few wooden tubs and a stove for heating the water. We paid in advance and the owner told us it would take some time to get the water ready. We went to the hotel next door for lunch while we waited.

“So, do you have any plans for the next hit?” Jacky asked as we sat there reluctantly forcing down a meat stew that must have been cooked by someone who had no idea what they were doing.

It was disgusting, but I was hungry and ate it anyway.

“I don’t see anything here” Niki said. “This town is too small. We can stay for a few days, but then we should move on. We need to find a place with bigger shops, or even a bank.”

Jacky and I both looked at him.

“Bank?” Jacky said. “You want to rob a bank?”

Niki nodded.

“We might want to try a few more smaller hits first, to make sure we’re ready. But yes, that’s my goal.”

I finished my food and thought about what he had said. Robbing a bank… It felt so big, but was it really so different from robbing a train? A feeling of excitement welled up in me. I could definitely see myself as a bank robber.

“Aren’t you going to eat that?” I asked and pointed at Niki’s plate.

“No” he said with a disgusted face and pushed the almost full plate away. “It tastes like something that died of old age.”

“Can I have it?”

He gave me an incredulous look.

“Sure” he said.

After lunch our baths were ready. We got undressed in the little room, now steaming hot from the full tubs, and I couldn’t stop myself from discreetly looking at Niki while he took his underwear off. His body was lean, almost skinny, with very little body hair. He was beautiful, and I felt a strange, sick feeling deep in my stomach when I looked at him. It couldn’t be good to feel like this. Sooner or later he would notice, and who knew how he’d react? Even if he didn’t, there was the risk that I’d get distracted and make a mistake. I plunged myself into the scalding hot water to stop thinking, but it didn’t work as well as I’d hoped. I tried to relax, but my eyes kept wandering over to Niki’s tub. He had gotten in the water too, and was lying with his head back and eyes closed. Sweat or moisture made little beads on his forehead, and I ached to stroke them away. I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy my bath.

“You want to be washed?”

I opened my eyes and saw a pretty Chinese girl leaning over my tub. She was wearing a low cut blouse with short sleeves and her hair was loosely pinned up on her head. I looked around and saw that Niki and Jacky had similar company. I hadn’t seen them when we came in, and wondered if they were part of the service or if we would have to pay extra. Who cared? We had enough money for these kinds of luxuries now.

“Yes please” I said with a smile.

She smiled back and started to rub me gently with a soft washcloth. It felt wonderful, and it wasn’t until I felt my body really start to relax that I realized how tense I had been. She washed me all over, and then washed my hair with soap. When I was cleaner than I’d been in years she suddenly plunged her hand into the water again and started caressing my privates. I opened my eyes and looked at her in surprise. She smiled, and I smiled back. She obviously knew what she was doing. I closed my eyes again and enjoyed it. Then I wondered if Niki was receiving the same treatment. I couldn’t see him since my girl was blocking the view, and I discreetly motioned her to move just a little bit. She did, and when I saw Nikis face I knew the answer. Looking at him turned me on more than the girl’s sweet touch did, and I kept my eyes glued to his face, hoping he wouldn’t open his eyes and notice. The girl who was working on me gave me a strange look, turned her head to see what I was staring at, and then looked back at me with a knowing smile. I didn’t know what to do, so I smiled back and closed my eyes. I imagined it was Niki touching me, and came into the water.

“Nice?” the girl smiled.

“Yes, very” I said and started getting up from the tub.

The others weren’t finished yet, and I turned my back at them while the girl helped me dry myself and put my clothes back on.

“You want company?” she asked. “I go to your room?”

“Thanks dear, but that’s enough for now. You were great.”

She looked disappointed, but nodded and then held her hand out, palm up.

“Tip?” she asked.

“Of course.”

I dug through my pockets and gave her a coin. She smiled, curtsied, and left. By the time I was finished Niki was getting out of the bath. His girl tried to help him, but he gently pushed her away. She left with an irritated look on her face, and he started getting dressed. Jacky was also up out of the tub, still unashamedly naked and working on getting his girl in the same state.

“Jesus Christ” Niki muttered and looked away. “I’m going to the hotel.”

“I’ll come with you” I said.

We left Jacky to it and walked over the street to the hotel. I felt hot and relaxed, sweating a little. The orgasm left me feeling good and guilty at the same time. I looked at Niki, but he seemed to be thinking intently about something.

“That wasn’t bad” I said, mostly as a way of making conversation.

He looked at me, and then looked away.

“I guess not” he said.

We got a room each, and I went to mine to have a nap. I was tired after our late night and the hot bath. When I woke up I went over to the saloon. Niki was already at the poker table, and Jacky was nowhere to be seen. My money burned in my pockets and I got very drunk together with a redheaded hooker who told me her name was Diana.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up the next morning from a knock on the door. It took me a moment to remember where I was. I was sure Diana had come to bed with me, but she was nowhere to be seen now. I tried to get up to answer the door, but found my head was splitting and my stomach turned at the thought of getting out of bed.

The knock came again.

“Just a moment!” I shouted.

I had to take it slowly. I sat up in bed, waited for my head to stop spinning and wondered if I should get dressed. It felt like too big a task at the moment, so I just got my gun and staggered to my feet. When I opened the door Niki was standing outside. He stared at me, and I remembered that I was completely naked. Not just lightly dressed, but… all the way. I caught his eyes darting to my privates before returning to my face. His eyes were round with shock, and I would have laughed if I hadn’t felt so sick.

“Morning” I said.

“Good morning” he said, something strained in his voice.

I waited for him to say something more, but he just stood there.

“Did you want something?” I asked. “I’m terribly hungover.”

“I… no.”

He turned and started walking away. I looked after him.

“Niki!” I called.

He stopped, but didn’t turn to look at me.

“What did you want?”

“Get your fucking clothes on” he said and sounded irritated. “We’re leaving.”

“Can I have a moment to collect myself?” I asked.

“Whatever.”

He made a dismissive gesture and left. I closed the door and went back to my bed. It was very tempting to lie down and go back to sleep, but the bright sunshine outside suggested it was already past noon and if we were leaving we should probably get going before dark.

It took a while, but finally I was dressed and ready to go. I staggered downstairs. Jacky and Niki were sitting in the restaurant, playing cards.

“Hope you’re not playing for money” I said and gave Jacky a teasing smile.

He looked at me and grinned.

“Jesus Christ, you look awful” he said.

I sat down. I knew I should eat something, but the thought of the revolting food they served here made me want to throw up.

“Did you have a good night?” I asked.

“Yes” Jacky said. “That Chinese girl was real feisty.”

“Did you spend the whole night with her?”

“Yep. Boy, she knew things I could never even imagine. I mean, I’ve been around, but she… well, she was something else!”

“Can we not talk about your love life all the time?” Niki snapped.

Jacky laughed.

“Touch a sore spot, did I?” he said.

“No. It’s just so dull.”

“Don’t worry” Jacky said and reached out a hand to pat his shoulder. “I’ll teach you how it’s done.”

Niki jerked his shoulder away, which only made Jacky laugh again.

“How was your night?” Jacky asked and turned to me instead.

Niki gathered up the cards and put them away.

“I honestly don’t remember” I said.

“Let’s get out of this dump” Niki said and got to his feet.

He went to the door, and we followed him.

“What’s he so grumpy for?” Jacky asked.

“Damned if I know” I said and pulled my hat down to my eyes to shield them from the horribly painful glare of the sunlight out on the street.

Riding in my condition was hell. Every step the horse took felt like a blow to my head, and as the afternoon wore on the heat made me feel even worse. I tried to ignore it, but finally I had to stop the horse, get off and throw up into the bushes by the side of the road. I felt a little better after that, and when we stopped for the night and had dinner by the camp fire I was starting to feel more like myself.

The next day the trail we were on crossed a bigger road, and we stopped to decide which way to go.

“If we follow the road we’ll eventually reach bigger towns” Jacky said. “Bigger town mean bigger riches.”

Niki nodded.

“I agree” he said. “We should go south. I’ve been that way before, and it has some nice towns. Lots of mining towns, but bigger than the shitholes we’ve been to lately.”

Before anyone could reply, we saw a stagecoach approach from down the road. It was just a gleam of green paint in a cloud of dust, but we all knew what we were seeing.

“Well, would you look at that!” Jacky said. “Let’s get it.”

Niki stared at him.

“Come on!” Jacky said and gestured at the coach with his gun. “It’s ripe for the taking!”

“Absolutely not” Niki said. “Rushing off like that is a sure way to get arrested or killed. We don’t do anything unless it’s carefully planned.”

“And who made you the boss of this outfit?” Jacky asked.

“I believe we did, when we agreed to follow Niki and rob the hardware store” I said.

Jacky glared at me.

“That doesn’t mean he gets to decide everything.”

“I decide everything of importance because I’m the only one with a brain” Niki said.

Jacky looked at Niki, his eyes livid with anger.

 “The way you’re leading this outfit we’ll die of old age before we ever get to rob a bank” he said between clenched teeth. “Sometimes you just have to jump at the opportunity when it presents itself. Like it’s doing right now!”

“Go ahead” Niki said and crossed his arms over his chest. “Rob the coach. I’ll watch from here when you get your stupid ass shot. It’ll be fun.”

“Let it go, Jacky. Niki’s right, it’s a stupid idea” I said.

He turned to me, his eyes flaming.

“You’ve been on his side ever since he showed up” he said. “Have you forgotten that we’ve been friends for years?”

“No” I said patiently. “Which is why I don’t want you to do dumb things.”

Jacky gestured at the coach. It had come closer now. It looked like a passenger coach. Four horses.

“Look!” Jacky said. “There are no guards! Nobody following. Just the driver and whatever goods is in it. It’s ours for the taking! If it wasn’t for this cowardly rat here, that is.”

Jacky nodded at Niki.

“What did you call me?” Niki asked with an eerie calm.

“I think you heard me” Jacky hissed at him. “Admit it, you’re scared.”

They stared at each other, and I waited anxiously. While we were fighting the coach was drawing nearer, and soon the chance would be lost.

“Fuck this” Niki said. “I knew you were dumb and impulsive, but this is a new low even for you. I’m not wasting another minute on you.”

He turned his horse and started riding down the road. Jacky and I looked after him, then Jacky looked at me.

“Come on, Jim. Say you’re with me.”

I looked at him and felt a deep regret. I wanted to go with Jacky, but I wanted to go with Niki more.

“Seriously?!” Jacky said when he read my expression. “You’d leave me for him? You don’t even know him!”

I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say.

“He’s ruined our gang!” Jacky said and there was genuine distress in his voice and his face. “Don’t you see what he’s doing? He got rid of Clay first, and now me. We were fine before he showed up. Look at us now.”

I shook my head. I knew he didn’t believe what he said, he was just upset and would come to his senses again as soon as he calmed down. He always did.

“Good luck, Jacky” I said. “Catch up with us if you change your mind.”

I turned my horse and rode after Niki before I could change _my_ mind. Jacky didn’t say anything more, and didn’t come after me. I was fighting back tears, thinking he was partly right – since Niki showed up I had lost all my friends – when I heard shouting and gunshots behind me. I turned my horse around so quickly it had to struggle for balance. Jacky’s horse was running around with an empty saddle, and Jacky was lying on the ground.

“Shit!” I yelled.

“That will show you!” the coach driver yelled and fired his gun into the air. “You picked the wrong coach to rob, you scum!”

The coach sped up and passed us. I sat on my horse and saw it disappear into a cloud of dust. Then I came to my senses and rode up to Jacky. I threw myself from the horse and kneeled next to him. He was lying face down in the dust, and there was blood on the ground. I felt nauseous with fear.

“Jacky!” I yelled and grabbed his shoulders.

I turned him over, and screamed when I saw the big hole in his forehead. His eyes stared emptily at nothing.

“Oh my God!” I yelled and started crying.

“James.”

Someone put a hand on my arm, and I jumped, but it was only Niki. He was kneeling next to me.

“We have to go” he said, his voice subdued and urgent at the same time. “If someone comes we’ll be in trouble. The coach will report the robbery attempt to the nearest town, and if we get associated with it… or if someone finds you with a dead body…”

“I can’t leave him!”

“Well, then take him with you. But hurry!”

I stared at Jacky’s face, and couldn’t believe how just a moment ago he had been so full of life. So much temper and anger. And now… It felt like the pain was tearing me apart from the inside. I wanted him to wake up, but the big hole in his forehead said everything I needed to know. I wanted to look away, but it drew my eyes to it, deep and dark.

“I’ll get his horse” Niki said. “Get him up. We’ll take him away and bury him.”

I tried to think, tried to understand what he said. He left, and then came back again.

“Come on” he said. “Help me lift him.”

Together we lifted Jacky up and laid him across his saddle. The horse moved nervously, as if it knew something was really wrong.

“Hold it still” Niki said and got some rope out of the saddle bags.

I held the horse while he tied Jacky to the saddle. I still couldn’t believe what was happening. It felt like I had a thick layer of cotton around my head. If only it could dull the pain the way it dulled my thoughts.

“Come on” Niki said and went to his horse. “We have to go.”

I got on my horse as if in a dream and followed him. We rode straight into the hills at a slow gallop. I tried to clear my mind, think what to do, somehow come to terms with what had happened, but I couldn’t stop sobbing.

After what felt like forever Niki stopped.

“I think we’re far enough from the road” he said and got off his horse. “We stay here for the night.”

I got off my horse and looked around. We were in a small valley with a stream running through it. Some cliffs and trees provided shelter. Now that we had stopped and there were no more sounds of hoof beats the air seemed unnaturally quiet. I glanced at Jacky lying there tied to his saddle. I felt sick, but had finally managed to stop crying. My eyes felt sore, my head hurt and I was exhausted.

“What do you want to do with him?” Niki asked in a soft voice and nodded towards Jacky.

“I don’t know. We have to bury him.”

“We only have a small shovel” Niki said. “It’s going to be hard work to dig a grave.”

“Well we have to!” I yelled. “What else can we do?”

“There are rocks here. We could dig a shallow grave and then put rocks over it.”

I calmed down again.

“I guess so” I said. “Help me get him down.”

We untied the rope in silence and hauled Jacky’s body off the horse. Blood from the hole in his head had run across the horse’s side. We put him on the ground and Niki spread his blanket over him so it covered his face. It was a relief to not have to see that hole in his head, but even with the blanket it was very obvious that my friend was lying dead right next to me. I looked at Niki and found he was looking at me with a concerned expression on his face.

“How can you be so calm?” I asked.

My hands were shaking and I felt like something had come loose in my very soul. He shrugged.

“I try not to get too emotional” he said. “It’s dangerous. Calm thinking and logic is better.”

I shook my head.

“You make it sound like there’s a choice.”

“There is” he said and walked a few paces off with the shovel. “You push your feelings away, detach yourself from them, until it’s safe to let them out.”

He tested the ground with his foot, moved a few more paces, tested it again and then started digging.

“You cold bastard” I mumbled.

He kept on digging as if he hadn’t heard me. Maybe he hadn’t. I just stood there for a while watching him work. The pain in my chest was so overwhelming I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. But after a while I found I could move again, and started gathering stones for the cairn.

We worked in silence, taking turns with the shovel, until we had dug as deep as we could in the hard, stony ground, and then carried Jacky over to the hole and put him in it. It felt horrible to see him lying there in the ground, the blanket still wrapped around him.

“We could use that blanket” Niki said quietly.

“Don’t you dare” I growled. “It’s his.”

He didn’t say anything more, and made no attempt at getting the blanket. He stood quietly next to me while I looked at the shape of Jacky under the blanket, my heart heavy and dark.

“We should cover him” Niki said after a while. “It’s getting dark.”

I looked around. He was right. I hadn’t noticed how much time had passed. It would be much harder to make camp after nightfall.

“OK” I said and grabbed the shovel. “You start making camp, I’ll do this.”

He nodded and walked off to gather wood while I started filling up the grave. My muscles were tired and heavy after all the digging, and my head still ached. It was horrible to see the dirt start to cover the blanket, but after he was completely hidden from sight I actually felt a little better. Niki came back and helped me place the stones over the grave.

“Do you want to say something?” he asked.

“I guess so.”

I tried to think of something to say. I had been to plenty of funerals but saying the same things the preacher used to say would just feel strange. I was no preacher. I didn’t even believe in God.

“Bye, Jacky” I said. “I’m sorry it ended like this, and that we parted as enemies. I didn’t want it to be like this, and I’m sure you didn’t either. I’m also sorry you were a big fucking idiot. What were you thinking??”

I swallowed down a big lump in my throat.

“Don’t disrespect the dead” Niki said.

“Well, he was an idiot.”

“Yeah, well…”

“Do you want to say something?”

He was quiet for a moment, and then he started to speak. It took me a few seconds to realize I didn’t understand a word of it. It had a strange rhythm, like his accent but something else too. A poem? A prayer? He stopped.

“What was that?” I asked.

“A prayer.”

“In German?”

He nodded.

“We should sing” I said.

“You sing. I’ll start making dinner.”

He left and went over to the camp fire he had made about ten meters away by the cliffs. It was out of sight from the grave, but I could see the light from the fire in the gathering dark. I looked at the grave again, and started singing Amazing Grace. My voice sounded weak and wavering, but I sang the whole song anyway. Then I went over to the camp fire and sat down. We sat in silence watching the flames, waiting for the food to get ready. I wanted to talk, but didn’t know about what. Anything other than Jacky. I didn’t want to start crying again. I thought about the German prayer.

“I forget you speak German” I said.

Niki looked at me. I shrugged.

“You have an accent, but I’ve gotten so used to it I think of it more as a strange way of speaking English.”

He smiled, just a little.

“Is it hard?” I asked. “Having to speak English all the time? Or are you used to it?”

“It’s hard. Frustrating. I can’t always say the things I want, can’t find the right words.”

“Do you think in English or German?” I asked.

“Both.”

We fell silent again. I heard coyotes howl somewhere far away, but otherwise the night was still and quiet. I wondered if Jacky would haunt us. I had left him to rob the coach alone, it was partly my fault that he’d gotten killed.

“Do you believe in God?” I asked Niki.

“Of course” he said. “Don’t you?”

“Not really. Do you think Jacky will go to heaven?”

He gave me a thoughtful look.

“I guess so” he said.

“You don’t think he will haunt us?”

He looked in the direction of the grave.

“I hope not” he said.

We ate in silence and then we went to bed. I wanted more than ever to lie next to Niki, but couldn’t bring myself to ask. He might let me, just out of pity, and I didn’t want that. I wanted him to let me sleep next to him because he liked me the way I liked him.

I must have dozed off eventually, but woke up again a bit later. The fire had almost burned down, and I was wondering whether I should get up and put some more wood on it when I heard a strange sound. Like a sharp intake of breath, or quiet sobbing. I looked over at Niki, and listened, holding my breath. First silence, then another shaky breath. It was almost too quiet to hear, and I wondered if I had imagined it. I listened for a while longer, and there it was again. I wasn’t imagining it. I lay still, wondering what to do. Was this what he meant about pushing feelings away and letting them out when it was safe? In the middle of the night, when nobody would know? It struck me as strong and cowardly at the same time, hiding your feelings away like that. It annoyed me, but I also felt sorry for him. Grief over Jacky was something we shared, there was no need to suffer it alone.

Finally I made up my mind, took my blanket with me and edged over to where Niki was lying, curled up on his side. I lay down slowly and carefully behind him, put the blanket over myself and put my arm around his waist. I could feel his chest shaking slightly when he inhaled, but he didn’t say anything and didn’t acknowledge my presence in any way. He didn’t push me away either. Encouraged by this I moved closer, so that my body was pressed against him. I hugged him, waiting to see if he would object. He took my hand and held it hard, still crying silently. I started to cry too, calm and quiet now in contrast to earlier that day. When I ran out of tears I lay still just holding him, waiting for him to push me away. He didn’t. I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand and put my nose in his hair, drew in the smell of him, closed my eyes and let the grief mix with the pleasure of being close to him.


	6. Chapter 6

I woke up the next morning still with my arm around Niki. He was moving, and moved my arm away so he could turn around and look at me. We looked at each other for a moment, and I had no idea what to say. He was so close, I could see the different shades of blue in his eyes, every single eyelash, the hint of freckles on his nose. I wanted to tell him how I felt. No, I wanted to kiss him.

He turned away and got to his feet. I watched him go in among the trees to pee, and wondered what all of this meant. He had let me stay with him all night. Did that mean he liked me, or just that he tolerated me? That he had needed my comfort, or had wanted to comfort me? I almost wished he had pushed me away and told me to stay the fuck away from him. At least then I would know where we stood. I could ask him of course, but had no idea what to say. I thought about lying there in the night, my arm around him, the smell of him, the mix of pain and pleasure. He had let me do it twice now, although for different reasons. Was there a chance it could happen again?

He came back and started building up the fire without talking to me or looking at me. I got out of the blankets and went into the trees to relieve myself before helping him get the fire going and putting the coffee kettle on. Neither of us spoke, and the silence was tense and uncomfortable. I looked in the direction of the grave a couple of times but tried not to think too much about Jacky. Niki seemed calm and composed, pretty much like usual, and I wondered if he really felt that calm or if he was just hiding his feelings away. Thinking about that was easier than thinking about Jacky, and I spent my breakfast trying to understand why he would do that. To me feelings were a part of life, a part of who you are. Why hide them?

After breakfast we broke camp and I went over to the grave one last time while Niki got the horses ready. I looked at the cairn and tried to understand that Jacky was really lying underneath it.

“You stupid asshole” I mumbled and tried to hold back the tears.

I wondered if I would ever come here again. Even if I came this way there was no guarantee I would find this particular place.

“Goodbye, then” I said and walked back to the horses.

“Ready?” Niki asked.

It was the first thing he had said all morning. I nodded and got onto my horse.

Niki had tied the reins of Jacky’s horse to his saddle, and it walked behind us when we left. Seeing it there with its empty saddle broke my heart again and again. The silence between me and Niki just seemed to emphasize that Jacky wasn’t here. I doubted Jacky had experienced a moment of awkward silence in his life, it just wasn’t his style.

Suddenly Niki stopped his horse. I stopped too and looked at him. He looked at me.

“What do you want to do?” he asked.

For a moment I thought he meant my feelings for him, and my heart started pounding.

“Do you still want to rob banks?” he asked. “Stay a team?”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

He looked away and shrugged.

“Fine” he said. “Let’s go then.”

He urged his horse on, and I followed.

We came to a town later in the afternoon. A sign informed us it was called Sweetwater, but I couldn’t see any water anywhere. It was bigger than the ones we had been to lately, but the hustle of people and horses on the street couldn’t distract me from the heavy grief that filled me. I thought about how Jacky would have liked this town. He was always so hungry for life, so keen on anything that might be fun. We had had some truly great times together, and now it was over. Riding into town with Niki was different. He looked around, but didn’t say what he was thinking, and for a moment that really irritated me. Why did he have to be so damned quiet?

We checked our horses into the livery, asked them to sell Jacky’s horse for us, and then went to find a restaurant. There were several to choose from, which was a real luxury. We settled on one next to the hotel, and sat down to a bowl of chicken and rice. I ate a few bites, but even though it tasted all right it felt like it grew in my mouth.

“Don’t you like it?” Niki asked when I put my spoon down.

“It’s okay. I guess I’m just not that hungry. Do you want it?”

He shook his head.

“No thanks” he said with a vaguely disgusted face.

He had only finished half of his bowl.  

“Is there any food you like?” I asked.

“I like lots of food.”

“Like what?”

He shrugged.

“Schnitzel” he said.

“What the fuck is that? Something German?”

He rolled his eyes.

“It’s pork chops” he said.

“Why didn’t you just say that. Is that the only thing you like?”

“Apples” he said.*

“Apples? Not many of those around here.”

“I know.”

“How about canned peaches? There are plenty of those?”

He made a disgusted face, and I laughed.

“No wonder you’re so skinny” I said.

He grinned.

“Are you playing poker tonight?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think so. Tomorrow I’m going to start checking out the bank.”

I felt a stir of excitement. The bank.

“Can I come?” I asked.

“Of course. We start by looking. Checking out the place, where the doors are, how many guards there are, what kinds of weapons they have. You can help with that, the more information we have the better.”

He seemed lost in thought a moment. Then he smiled.

“You can talk to people” he said. “Fish for information. You’re good at that.”

“Yeah” I said. “You do the thinking, and I’ll do the talking.”

We smiled at each other, and for a moment I forgot that Jacky wasn’t there.

 

I decided to take it easy that night. I wanted to have my wits about me tomorrow when we were checking out the bank. I even sat down at the poker table with Niki for a while. But no matter how hard I tried to think of other things that heavy pain inside wouldn’t let up even a little. I had a few drinks and felt a bit better. After a while Niki quit the poker game and joined me at the bar.

“Whiskey” he said to the barman.

“Had enough of playing?” I asked.

“Yeah. I can’t concentrate. I just lost everything I’ve won tonight.”

Somehow that made me angry. I was being eaten up from the inside by grief and guilt, and he complained about losing a poker game?

“Wow, that must be the height of distress for you. Losing a game” I said.

He gave me a look as if I was something disgusting stuck under his boot.

“Fuck you” he said and drained his glass before turning to the barman. “One more.”

“Are you broke?” I asked.

“Of course not.”

We drank in silence for a few moments.

“Listen, I’m sorry” I said finally.

He ignored me.

“Hey, ratty” I said.

He looked at me. If looks could kill I’d be a pile of ash on the floor.

“Don’t ever call me that again” he said. “I have a name.”

He drained his glass again and then walked over to the hookers. I watched him chat one of them up as if it was something he did every day, and then walk upstairs with his arm around her. I was surprised by how jealous I felt, but then he reached the top of the stairs and turned around and looked at me before disappearing around the corner. I stared after him in shock. He had wanted to make sure I was looking. Why? To show me he could live a wild life too? To make me jealous; hurt me? Did he know?

As much as I tried I couldn’t make heads nor tails out of anything, and ended up getting very, very drunk.

 

I met Niki again in the hotel restaurant the next morning. He had a plate of eggs and bread in front of him, but hadn’t touched it. I walked up to him.

“Morning” I said.

He looked at me. He looked about as bad as I felt.

“Morning” he said.

“Can I join you?”

“Of course. You can have my breakfast if you want, I can’t seem to get anything down except coffee.”

I sat down opposite to him.

“Thanks, but I think I’ll settle for coffee too” I said.

He chuckled.

“We’re pathetic” he said.

“Sort of. Did you have a good night?”

“Not really. Well, she was all right. But, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“How about you?”

I shook my head.

“I tried to drown my sorrows. It worked for a bit, but the problem is they come back the next morning.”

He nodded. We sat in silence for a while, but this time it was a relaxed, understanding kind of silence. The waiter brought us another pot of coffee and I felt slightly better after I’d had a cup.

“Are we still checking out the bank today?” I asked.

“No. Tomorrow. I want to go back to my room and get some rest.”

“OK.”

I went back to my room too, but got bored after only a little while and went back downstairs again. Niki was nowhere to be seen, and I headed out.

 

(*I doubt there was yoghurt in the wild west, so I changed Niki’s food obsession)


	7. Chapter 7

I was always nervous before a hit, but this time it was different. As we approached the bank my whole body was shaking, my heart pounding and I felt nauseous. We (Niki) had decided to do it early in the morning, when they were just about to open. There would be no customers there, and the staff would be unprepared for anything out of the ordinary. We had come to this conclusion by watching it all hours of the day (Niki), chatting casually with the people who worked there (me) and scouting the inside by pretending to be customers (me and a temporary female acquaintance). We knew everything about the place; how it was built, where the doors were, how the staff worked, how the vault was constructed, the quickest escape route.

“Wait” I said when we were almost at the doors.

Niki stopped and looked at me. I bent over and threw up on the ground.

“Jesus Christ” Niki exclaimed. “What now?”

“I’m just nervous” I mumbled and wiped my mouth on my sleeve.

He came up to me.

“Are you up for this?” he whispered angrily. “I can’t do it myself, but I’m not doing it if you’re not capable!”

“Calm down, ratty, I’m fine. Just nerves. Let’s go.”

His eyes flashed at the nickname, but he didn’t say anything. He gave me a look of disgust and started walking towards the bank again. I followed him.

“Ready?” he asked just outside the door.

My body was still in an uproar, but my mind was sharp, charged. I felt great.

“Yes” I said and smiled. Then I pulled my scarf up over my face, drew my gun and stepped inside. “Good morning, gentlemen! Yes, as you can see, this is a robbery! No worries, though! We won’t take everything, just as much as we need. If you cooperate, nobody will get hurt and we can all go about our day safe and happy. Okay?”

The bank staff – a young man and an older man, both in shirts and waistcoats and elaborate moustaches – stared at me in shock. Then they raised their hands in the air and looked at Niki, who was standing behind me pointing both his guns at them. For such a small guy he looked incredibly menacing, his eyes intense and very blue between the hat and the scarf. For a moment I was distracted by the beauty of them, but he waved his gun impatiently at me to get on with it.

“Right, gentlemen. Why don’t you show us to the vault?” I said. “Both of you, come on now. I might be friendly enough, but my partner here is a little impatient. Don’t want to keep him waiting, do you?”

They both glanced at Niki again, with a look of pure horror, and then the older man headed for the vault with the younger one in his wake. The older one opened the vault for us, appearing cooperative enough, but I caught something in the younger man’s face.

“No funny business now, my good sir. Remember, if we all work together here we can live happily ever after.”

He looked guilty. I exchanged a quick glance with Niki, who nodded at me that he would keep an eye on him. The vault opened and I stepped inside with the older man while Niki stayed by the door with the younger one. I suddenly felt like laughing. This was incredible. We were robbing the bank! I felt like I could fly.

“Now put some money in this bag, if you don’t mind” I said and threw a leather saddle bag to the man. “Fill it all the way up, but no more than I can close it securely. Imagine how annoying it would be to go to all this trouble and then have our hard-earned money fall out on our way out of here!”

He gave me a quick look and then started to fill the bag. I thought I saw him trying to suppress a smile, but I wasn’t sure.

“Is this good?” he asked when he was done and handed me the bag.

“That’s perfect, sir. Thank you very much. Now, if you wouldn’t mind standing in the corner over there, and we’ll have your friend join you.”

Niki waved his gun at the young man to go inside the vault, and he did.

“Now” I said. “You two sit in here and relax for a bit, until we’ve had time to get away. If we see any movement from inside the bank, we will shoot. So sit still in here and take it easy, and everything will be fine. OK?”

They both nodded and sat down on the floor.

“You both have a good day now” I said and tipped my hat before putting the bag over my shoulder and heading for the door.

Niki followed me, walking backwards with his guns still trailed at the two employees in the vault.

It was the easiest thing in the world to go out to our horses, get on them and leave town at a leisurely trot so as not to raise suspicion. As soon as we were out of town we stepped up the pace and galloped until the horses started steaming. Then we stopped by a small creek in the shade of some trees, and dismounted.

“We did it!” I yelled, finally able to let out the overwhelming triumph I felt.

“I know!” Niki yelled, seeming just as elated as I did.

We hugged. It happened spontaneously, a hard, excited, hug celebrating what we had just done together. The pleasure I felt at having him in my arms was better than robbing a bank. I wanted to hold him there forever, and he did allow the hug to go on longer than he should have, but finally he let go and smiled at me. He looked so happy, his smile lit up his face, put his teeth on display and made his eyes glitter. I laughed, and so did he.

“Wow” I said. “That went even better than I had hoped.”

“We did great” Niki said, still grinning happily. “You were great. Despite all the soppy, weird drama.”

“Shut up. What about you, playing the mysterious, evil criminal, not saying a word?”

“It works! Did you see how confused they were? They didn’t know if they should laugh or be scared. It was perfect!”

“We’re a good team” I said.

He nodded. We looked at each other for a moment, but soon got awkward and looked away. Niki took his water bottle from his saddle, drank some water and then refilled it from the creek, where the horses were already drinking. I did the same. We stood around for a while, enjoying the sweet taste of victory while the horses drank and rested. It was so quiet here, the wind softly whispering in the trees and the quiet murmur of the creek. I wished Jacky had been here to share it with us, and felt a stab of pain. But at the same time I was glad he wasn’t, which was followed by a stab of guilt. I was happy to be alone with Niki, and having Jacky along for the robbery would have increased the risk.

We rode all day, stopping only to eat and let the horses rest. I’d never enjoyed long rides, but this day everything felt good. We talked about the robbery, reliving it again and again, discussing how we could do it even better next time. Then we chatted about nothing in particular, before spending a couple of hours in relaxed silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

We stopped for the night in a thick copse of forest a bit off the road. I looked for a good campsite while Niki scouted the surroundings. We had to be more careful now. Train robbery was illegal enough, but robbing banks put us in a different league. The sheriffs would be after us already, and we also carried a large amount of money that would be attractive to other criminals.

“It would have been good to be more than two now” Niki said when we had gotten the fire going and were eating our dinner. “We should keep watch through the night to be on the safe side, but it’s hard to get enough sleep with just the two of us.”

I thought about Jacky. We ate in silence for a while. I looked at Niki and wondered if he was thinking about Jacky too. How could he not?

“I miss him” I said.

He looked at me, then looked away.

“Yeah, me too” he said.

“I feel bad about what happened. He wanted me to go with him. If I had…”

He shook his head.

“It was his own damned fault” he said. “Nobody made him go rob that coach all on his own. It was stupid and you know it. I’m sure deep down he knew it too.”

“Yeah” I said. “But still…”

We decided not to keep watch during the night. It was risky, but we both hoped we would wake up if someone came at us in the night.

“We should get a dog” I said as I lay down in my blanket. “It could keep watch for us.”

Niki was quiet, and I thought he had already fallen asleep. But then he said:

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“I always had dogs when I was growing up” I said.

“Yeah, me too.”

It took me some time to fall asleep. I was still wired from the robbery, and a bit worried about someone catching up with us during the night. Eventually I did fall asleep, but woke up again when something moved right next to me. I reached for my gun.

“Relax” Niki said. “It’s just me, don’t fucking shoot me.”

“What’s happening? Is someone coming?”

“No. I’m just cold.”

He lay down next to me, his back at my chest, and fiddled with the blanket for a while until he was satisfied. I lay there in astonished silence, too dazed with sleep to be able to think clearly. I put my arm around him and just lay there for a while wondering if I was dreaming. Niki had built up the fire again and I watched the flames and the light from them dance over the trees that surrounded us. My heart swelled and I thought I had never been happier in my life. I put my nose in Niki’s hair and fell asleep.

The next time I woke up it was morning. Niki was up, shaving by the fire. When he noticed me stir he looked at me and smiled.

“Good morning” he said.

“Good morning.”

“There’s coffee and hot water if you want it” he said.

“Great.”

I wondered again if the night had been only a dream. He seemed so relaxed and happy, not at all awkward or downright unfriendly as he had been the other times we had shared a bed. I got up and joined him by the fire.

“What do you want to do today?” I asked when we were both shaved and were sitting by the fire with our coffee and breakfast.

“I want to find a town and start spending some of my money” he said with a grin.

“On what?”

“New clothes, a nice hotel, some good food. A bit of class for a change.”

I smiled.

“That sounds nice” I said. “You come from a nice background, don’t you?”

“Depends what you mean by nice” he said with a wry smile.

“Rich.”

“Yes.”

“How did you end up here?” I asked.

“I didn’t want what my family wanted for me” he said. “So I left.”

“What did they want?”

“For me to go to University and become a business man.”

“And what did you want?”

He shrugged.

“Anything, just not that. I wanted the freedom to live my own life, so I came here. With an ocean between us and no permanent address there’s no way they can get hold of me.”

He smiled.

“How about you?” he asked. “You were going to be a doctor. Why didn’t you?”

I grinned.

“I wanted adventure. Fun. Not stay in the same town and the same social circles doing what’s expected of me until I start growing moss. I figured the dumbest, riskiest thing I could do was get on a boat to America, so that’s what I did.”

He laughed. It sent a tickling sensation through my stomach. His laugh sounded like it just sort of fell out of him. For someone in such control of himself it was touching.

“Well, you found adventure” he said.

“I did!”

“Is it all you hoped for?”

“You know what, it actually is.”

He grinned, and I found myself grinning back at him.

We did reach a town that day, but it was a small dusty mining town that had already seen better days. We decided to keep going and sleep in the wild again, and hope for better luck the next day. We bought some fresh food and made camp an hour or so later. When we went to bed Niki came over to me.

“Spread your blanket on the ground, we can lie on it and have my blanket on top” he said.

He didn’t even ask if I wanted him in my bed. I did what he said, too surprised and happy to question what he was doing. When the bed was made to his satisfaction he lay down next to me. We fell asleep his back to my chest as we had done before, but when I woke up later that night he had turned around and was facing me, his arm around me. I watched him sleep for a while, blissfully happy, and then went back to sleep too.

 


	8. Chapter 8

It took us another three days before we came to anything other than tiny settlements, and each night Niki came to my bed as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It made me happy, but also confused. Agreeing to sleep next to me must mean something. He never said anything about it, except for that first night after the bank robbery when he said he was cold. Maybe he was, but there was no way I was going to believe that was all. Sometimes I woke up during the night and found him with his arms around me, or his head on my shoulder, and at those moments I felt absolutely sure that he liked me the way I liked him. But when we woke up he never acknowledged it in any way, and I was too afraid to ask. Be happy with what you have, I told myself. But I didn’t know for how long I would be happy just sleeping next to him. I wanted more.

Finally we arrived in Willow Bend. It was much bigger than the towns we’d seen recently, including the one where we’d robbed the bank. It lay by a bend in the Willow River and seemed to thrive on trading and farming. It had not one but three hotels, and we chose the one that looked nicest. The rooms were big and clean, and the bed linens looked fresh and seemingly free of bed bugs.

“I like this place” I said when I met Niki for dinner after I had been to my room.

“Me too” he said and smiled. “I might even go for a bath later, even though I just had one.”

“Yeah, me too. I wonder if it includes the special service we got last time.”

He laughed.

“That was a little unexpected” he said.

Our food arrived, and it was delicious. Meat, potatoes and cooked vegetables with gravy, fresh and well made. It was even better after a several days of camping in the wild, and I ate until I felt like bursting. We chased it down with coffee and apple pie.

“They have apples” Niki said with a smile when we were served our dessert.

I laughed.

“I swear this is the happiest I’ve ever seen you” I said.

He grinned and started on his pie.

“Let’s stay here for a few days” I said. “Relax, live the good life…”

“Sure.”

“Eat some apples…” I added.

He just nodded, didn’t even seem to register the teasing tone in my voice. I watched him eat his pie and felt my chest fill up with something big and warm. That same tenderness I had felt after the poker fight, but amplified many times over and strengthened by everything we had been through together since then. I realized this was the way I was supposed to have felt for Suzy, but I hadn’t. I hadn’t felt like this for anyone, ever. The thought put tears in my eyes out of sheer frustration. I was 27 years old and had finally found someone to love, and it had to be a man!

“What’s wrong?”

I came out of my thoughts and noticed Niki looking at me. He had finished his pie.

“What?”

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“No. Just…um…just thinking about Jacky.”

“Oh.”

A look of compassion crossed his face. I looked down at my pie. I had barely touched it, but found I had lost my appetite.

“Do you want it?” I asked.

He nodded. I shoved the plate over to him and asked the waiter if I could have a glass of whiskey instead.

 

I wasn’t sure what we would do when night came. We each had our own hotel room, which implied we would sleep alone. I didn’t want that at all. Even though it had only been a few nights, I had already grown used to having him close to me all night and didn’t look forward to spending the night alone. I could always find a girl to share it with me, but I’d rather have him.

We went to the saloon after dinner. Niki found a poker game, and I found some cowboys to trade news with. Two of them had been the same way Niki and I came from, and I got them talking about bank robberies, to see if there were any rumors about us.

“You know, the bank had just been robbed when we passed through Sweetwater” one of them said.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah. Apparently they just walked in, somehow got the manager to empty the vault for them and left without a trace. No shots fired, nobody hurt. It’s the damndest thing.”

“Strange” I said. “Do they know who did it?”

“No. I head some guys talk about it in the saloon there, but apparently it’s all a big mystery.”

“The nerve of some people” another of the cowboys said. “Go ahead and rob banks while other people bust their backs for a living. I’d like to see them robbers do an honest day’s work.”

I nodded, grinning on the inside. I couldn’t wait to tell Niki this.

I went with a hooker to her room. She was pretty and sweet, and gave me a fantastic blow job before letting me fuck her. After I had caught my breath (and paid her) I went downstairs again and made sure Niki saw me walk out the door alone. I went to my room and went to bed in a strange mood. How much easier it would be if I could just fall for a girl instead. I didn’t even care if she was a hooker, as long as she was nice and fun. Niki was neither. Why on earth had I become so fond of him? He was quiet, sullen, sometimes boring and downright unfriendly, and yet he seemed to be all I could think about lately. I lay awake for a while thinking about it, but couldn’t find a satisfactory answer.

Just as I was drifting off there was a knock on the door. I got up, took my gun and opened. Niki was standing outside, fully dressed and looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“Hi” I said.

“Can I sleep in your room?” he mumbled without looking at me.

“What’s wrong with your room?” I asked.

“It’s too cold” he said with the hint of a smile.

I smiled too.

“Come in” I said and closed the door behind him.

I went back to bed and waited for him to take his clothes off and lie down next to me. The bed was more than big enough for both of us. He kept his underwear on, just like me, but it still felt more intimate than it had been in the wild. There we had both been fully dressed. He started to turn his back to me, but I stopped him.

“Come here” I said and motioned for him to put his head on my arm.

He hesitated for a moment, and then moved closer, putting his head on my shoulder and his arm around me. I put my arms around him and pulled him even closer. I got the urge to kiss him, and thought why the hell not? He came to me of his own free will, he wanted this as much as I did. I kissed his hair, waited to see if I would get any reaction. He tensed a bit, but lay still. I kissed his forehead and felt him go just a little bit stiffer.

“Niki, what is this?” I asked quietly. “Don’t get me wrong, I really like it, but what are we doing?”

“Ssch” he said. “Don’t ruin it.”

I closed my mouth and lay there, eyes open in the dark, wondering what to do. I carefully put my hand on his head, caressed him gently and pulled my fingers through his hair. I thought he would get tense again, but instead I could feel him relax.

“You like that?” I whispered.

“Yeah.”

I kept playing with his hair for a while, enjoying it as much as he seemed to do. He grew heavier on my arm for every stroke. Then I felt myself getting hard. The temptation to kiss him was overwhelming, but I forced myself to lie still and keep pulling my fingers slowly through his hair over and over again. This is ridiculous, I thought. He must know, and he must feel the same way I do. There’s no other way we would end up where we are now. It was frustrating, and at the same time it was such a beautiful moment.

When I was certain he was asleep I carefully pulled my arm free, moved away as much as the bed would allow and jerked off as silently as I could into a handkerchief.

The next morning the mood between us was a bit strange. Not awkward exactly, but it was clear something had happened that we didn’t talk about. We tried to pretend like nothing, and eventually got back to normal. We spent the day on the town, checking out the stores. We went to a men’s fashion store to get some new clothes.

“Niki, you can’t wear that, it looks like something my grandfather would wear” I said when Niki tried on a grey cravat.

He snorted.

“You wouldn’t recognize class if it bit you in the ass” he said. “You’ve clearly spent too much time in the wilderness.”

“I want to get one of those leather jackets the Indians have. You know, with fringes?” I said.

He made a face as if he was going to be sick.

“What, you don’t like them?” I asked. “I think they look really cool.”

“I thought you came from a nice background” Niki said and tried on another cravat that was just as pompous. “Didn’t you learn anything?”

“If you mean dressing like an old fop, no. Is that custom in Germany?”

He snorted again, but couldn’t hide the hint of a smile in the corners of his mouth.

“I might be a bit conservative” he said. “But at least I know how to dress proper.”

“With a face like yours it doesn’t matter what you wear” I said and tried on a really nice green coat. “You’ll always look like a rat in a fancy cravat.”

“At least I’m not color blind” he said with a contemptuous look at the coat. “That thing would make a hooker envious.”

We looked at each other and started to laugh. Then we finished our shopping and went out on the street again.

 

We stayed in Willow Bend the following week. It was a strange week. During the days we slept late and then wandered the town looking for entertainment. We saw a dance show, a theater play, a few travelling salesmen advertising their goods, and spent hours listening to a guy playing the piano at a restaurant. We ate well, browsing the different restaurants and street vendors. In the evenings we either went to a show or hung around a saloon drinking, playing cards and chatting to people. My evenings usually ended the same way: I went with a hooker, and then went alone to my room leaving the door unlocked. When Niki had finished his game he came to my room and into my bed. Some nights he was already there when I came in. It kept being as frustrating and heartbreakingly beautiful as that first night, and every day I longed for nightfall so I could lie close to him again.  

“I think we should rob the bank here” Niki said one morning while we were having breakfast in the hotel restaurant.

“Already? We still have plenty of money from the last hit.”

He shrugged.

“I’m bored” he said.

I laughed.

“Is that why you do it? Not for the money?”

“Well, the money plays a part, but that’s not all. If I just wanted money I could make a living playing poker.”

“I guess you could. OK, so how do we do this?”

He looked around to make sure no one heard us, and then started telling me what he already knew about the bank. It was a lot more than I thought. I had only noticed there was a bank here, but he knew when it was built, who worked there, what kind of security they had, how much money they kept in their vault.

“How do you know all this?” I asked.

“I looked around a bit. And people talk at the poker table. They think because I’m quiet that I don’t pay attention, but it’s the opposite. I hear and remember everything.”

He grinned, clearly pleased with himself. I smiled back.

“Plus, I’m usually sober. That helps. But we need more” he said. “You need to pay a visit, and there’s a boarding house across the street. I’m going to get a room there and get a hang of their schedule.”

“Will you still be sleeping in my room?” I asked.

I expected him to look away, but he looked right at me.

“Why don’t you come to me?” he said.

“I could do that” I said.

He nodded.

We spent the day gathering information about the bank, each in our own way. I chatted up a lovely girl, told her I would take her out to dinner but I just had to run an errand first and would she please come with me? She happily agreed, and with her sister in tow as chaperon I took her to the bank giving the impression that we were sweethearts about to settle in town. My new clothes helped make an impression, and the bank manager was most accommodating. Afterwards I took her out to honor my promise, before returning her with all the required chivalry to the boarding house where she stayed with her family.

At the saloon I talked to as many people as I could, enjoying trying to get them to talk about the bank without raising suspicion. The trick was to place the thought in their heads and then let them start talking about it as if it had been their idea all along. That way they wouldn’t remember the stranger asking nosy question about the bank.

That night I skipped my traditional hooker and went straight to the boarding house where Niki was staying.

“The hotel is much nicer” I said as he let me into his room.

“I know. But I have a perfect view of the bank from here.”

I looked out the window and couldn’t imagine sitting here all day just watching the bank. I had no idea how he could stand it. He came up to me, and I told him what I had learned during the day. He listened intently and then stood there thinking for a while, looking out at the bank across the street. I watched him, waiting to hear his plan.

“The guards leave through that door” he said after a while and pointed. “I think we’ll do this one a little differently. I want to arrive just as the guards leave, quietly knock them out, take the keys and then go in and open the vault ourselves. I just need to make sure there are no other guards, or staff staying on late. From what you said it sounds like there might be a night watch, but if we go in at closing that won’t be a problem.”

“OK” I said.

He looked at me and smiled.

“This will be good” he said. “I got some maps at the bookstore. This time I want a planned escape route so we don’t have to wander the wilderness the way we did last time.”

He went to the desk where a big map was spread out. He showed me where we were, and where he wanted to go after we were done here.

“If we go this way we can stay in some smaller towns along the way, and then end up here. This is a bigger town, and should have a bank.”

“How many do you want to do?”

“Enough to get some money stored away. I want to take a break over winter, find some sort of business venture to keep us busy and give us credibility. Nobody is going to accuse business men of bank robbery.”

“That’s a good idea” I said. “And if the sheriffs come after us, taking a break will make the trail go cold.”

“Yes. And then we can decide in the spring what we want to do next.”

We looked at each other full of hope and excitement for the future. I couldn’t remember feeling this way since I had stepped off the boat in New York.

We talked about our plans for a bit longer before going to bed. It felt more natural now to sleep next to him, even though I still longed for something more. When he was in position against my shoulder I already had a hard-on, and when he moved to get more comfortable I was certain I felt his erection under his underpants. I wanted to do something, but had no idea what. I had had feelings for men, but had never actually touched one. If I was to have sex with him at some point, how would we do it? Thinking about it just made me more aroused, and I tried to think about something else. He put his hand on my chest and started to slowly caress me, which didn’t help matters at all. I put my fingers in his hair and kissed his forehead. Then I leaned closer and kissed his cheek. His hand wandered up to my neck and then my cheek, slowly and carefully feeling its way. The next time I moved my head to kiss him he moved his too, and I ended up kissing him on the mouth.

Having him close to me night after night and smelling his hair and body hadn’t prepared me for the taste of his mouth and the feel of his lips. The darkness in the room made the sensation even more intense. We kissed for what felt like a long time, until I felt like my dick was going to explode.

“I’m really turned on” I whispered.

“Me too.”

“What do we do?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’ve never done this before?”

“Not with a man.”

I don’t know why we were whispering, but it seemed appropriate somehow. As if what we had would vanish if someone spoke too loud or moved too suddenly.

“Would you mind if I get myself off?” I asked.

“No.”

“You could do it too.”

“I guess.”

We lay in silence for a while. I hesitated, feeling awkward about masturbating together with another man. But finally I couldn’t take it anymore, and stuck my hand inside my underpants. After a little while I heard Niki start breathing faster and realized he must be doing the same. I tried to stay quiet, but came hard and couldn’t help moaning a bit. Niki was quiet but breathing heavily. After we were done and had cleaned ourselves up we lay in silence again. I couldn’t decide what I was feeling, it was all a strange mix of excitement, love, lust and embarrassment.

“Do you want to sleep?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“OK. Good night.”

“Good night.”

It was surprisingly easy to fall asleep. What we had done together in the dark soon felt like a strange dream, and when he put his head on my shoulder again just like he used to I felt comfortable and relaxed.


	9. Chapter 9

It was almost dark when we tied our horses outside the saloon a few doors down from the bank and then snuck down a back street to the door where the guards were going to exit. It was a lot like the time we robbed the hardware store, although that felt like years ago now. We waited behind the door, and I thought I could hear my heart pounding in the stillness of the evening. Out on the main street we heard a group of people pass by in loud, drunken conversation.

“Are you okay?” Niki whispered.

He looked at me and seemed concerned. He had cause to be, I felt even more nervous now than I had done the last time. My heart was hammering, I was sweating and shaking and my stomach was threatening to empty itself at my feet. I nodded, and then leaned over and threw up. Niki took a step back to save his boots. He didn’t say anything but when I straightened up and wiped my mouth he rolled his eyes. I shrugged, and he gave me an annoyed look. Then the door opened, and two men came out. We attacked them in silence, only the thumping noise of wood on heads could be heard. On the main street the group of people appeared to have stopped and gotten itself into an argument.

“Get them inside” Niki whispered, and we dragged the guards inside the bank and closed the door.

It was dark inside the bank, but we had been there before and knew the way to the vault. When we got there I lit a small oil lamp we had brought with us and held it up so Niki could put the key in the lock. It was somehow even more exciting to work alone in the dark than to threaten employees. We filled two saddle bags this time, and then locked the vault and returned the key to the unconscious guard. When we came out to our horses the argument out on the street was still well under way. I couldn’t believe we had only been in the bank a few minutes. We secured the saddle bags, got on our horses, and rode past the group of people who had now come to blows in the middle of the street. More people were spilling out of the nearby saloon to see what the fight was about or to join in. Just as we had passed by them we saw the sheriff come out and approach them. It was almost too good to be true. He started breaking up the fight while we rode out of town with our saddle bags full of money and gold.

We followed our escape route, riding down a small trail through the forest, staying off the main road. We had wanted to get further away from the town before making camp, but it was getting darker by the minute and very difficult to see. We had counted on that too, though, and planned on making an early stop and then continue at first light. This night we would have to keep watch.

We hadn’t said a word while riding away from town, staying quiet to avoid drawing attention to ourselves in case anyone was out and happened to see us. When we stopped and got off our horses we just looked at each other for several long seconds, each with a big grin on our face.

“We did it” I said quietly.

“We did” Niki said and his smile grew even wilder.

I put my arms around him and hugged him tight. He hugged me back and we stood there in the darkness for what felt like a long time, happy in our silent embrace. I loved having his body close to me. He was so much smaller than me, but not like a girl. His body felt different, was harder somehow than a girl’s, and had different proportions. It felt strange, but good. I kissed him. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, after everything that had happened. He hesitated for just a second, and then kissed me back. I could barely see him now, it was almost completely dark, but I could feel him just fine. His lips, tongue and teeth, the hint of stubble on his cheeks. His mouth was so hot, and I loved the taste of it. I could feel my body react.

When we finally let go I felt dizzy with lust and happiness. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but was afraid of what would happen then.

“Can we make a fire?” I asked instead.

I suddenly realized I was hungry, and I wanted the light from the fire to see him by. And to help control me. If I was left alone in the darkness with him for much longer I wasn’t sure what I would do.

“Yes” he said. “It might attract attention, but it would only look suspicious if someone showed up and we had made camp without a fire.”

“It would look like we had something to hide” I said.

“Exactly.”

We both gathered wood and helped make the fire.  When it was burning we looked at each other and smiled. This time he took the first step, leaning closer to me and putting his lips to mine. He had taken his hat off, as had I, and I pulled my fingers through his hair. I felt his hand in mine too, and his other hand on my back as he pulled me closer. It felt like my body caught fire, all the blood rushing to my crotch. I wanted more, but wasn’t sure what. If he had been a girl I wouldn’t have hesitated, I would have had him naked in my blankets in no time. But he wasn’t a girl, and again I thought how strange his body felt under my hands. The thought of touching him in an intimate way was exciting, but also scary. I didn’t know what to do with him, and at the same time I was happy doing just this.

We stopped to catch our breath. I looked at him and thought his face betrayed the same mix of lust and confusion I felt. He looked at me but didn’t say anything. Then he looked away.

“We should eat” he said and fixed his hair where I had messed it up.

“Yes.”

We took our pots out and went through our food stores to see what we had. Making camp and cooking our dinner had become such routine now we barely had to think about it, which was good since all I could think about was him. I kept forgetting we had successfully robbed a bank just a few hours earlier; the kiss seemed to overshadow everything and I was desperate to do it again.

We ate in silence, looking at each other now and then with a smile. I was so happy I felt like I might explode, and it was strange to keep it inside, sit quiet and not jump and scream with it. But there was something about Niki that demanded calm and silence. It wasn’t just the fear of detection.

When we finished our dinner I washed the pot and bowls in the nearby creek while he packed up our things.

“We need to take turns” he said. “Sleep and keep watch. We won’t get much sleep, but we can compensate for that later.”

“Yes. You sleep first, you always get tired before me.”

“Okay.”

He got his blanket from his saddle and spread it on the ground before lying down on it. I looked at him, and he looked back at me.

“Will you be cold now?” I asked with a smile.

He smiled back.

“Yes” he said.

I moved closer to him so I was sitting by his head.

“Here” I said and motioned to my lap.

He moved closer and put his head on my lap, squirmed around a bit for a comfortable position, and then came to rest. I put one hand on his shoulder and let the other one play with his hair.

“I don’t know what I’m doing” he said after a while.

“You mean us?”

“Yeah.”

“Me neither. But it’s nice, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

I was about to say it, it was on the tip of my tongue. I love you. But again I held back. There was no need, I told myself. He must know. He lay in silence for a while and I sat there gently toying with his hair, enjoying the feel of his soft curls between my fingers.

“Can you scratch...” he asked and made a gesture at his hair.

I did as he asked, and he made a little sound of pleasure.

“Have you got fleas?” I asked in a teasing tone.

“Most likely. Ugh.”

I kept it up until he was satisfied and told me to stop. He fell asleep shortly after, and I was left sitting alone with his head on my lap while the fire died down, thinking this was the strangest thing that had ever happened to me in a life full of strange things.

I woke him up after about three hours. The fire had gone out but the moon was up and it wasn’t nearly as dark as it had been before.

“Your turn” I said as he looked up at me with dazed concern.

“Oh. Okay.”

He sat up, yawning and rubbing sleep out of his eyes. I lay down with my head on his lap and pulled the blanket over me. It was warm from his body heat. It felt even stranger to lie on his lap than having him on mine. But he smiled down at me and started to slowly stroke my hair. It felt wonderful, and I was surprised by how safe I felt. I didn’t know him very well, but much better than I had just a few weeks ago and I realized I trusted him completely. That feeling was even nicer than the pleasure and lust of having him close to me.

When he woke me up a few hours later it was still dark, but the sky was just a shade lighter in the east. Niki already had the fire going, and I could smell coffee. I was tired after so little sleep, but also excited when I thought about last night. I got up and joined him by the fire, where we sat with our blankets over our shoulders and waited for breakfast to get ready. We were both anxious to get going. The robbery would surely have been discovered during the night, and the sheriff would start combing the area as soon as it got light enough. I realized it had been a clever idea to do the robbery the way we did, since there were no witnesses this time and the sheriff had no idea who he was looking for. 

We drank our coffee and ate some oatmeal with dried fruit. Now and then we looked at each other with a shy smile. If I hadn’t been so tired I might have tried to kiss him again. Thinking of last night had my whole body tingling, and I longed to do it again.

When we were finished and mounted our horses the sky was lighter and we could just see where we were going. We rode the whole day, only stopping to eat and rest the horses. I tried to get a conversation started a few times, but Niki seemed preoccupied and only answered in short sentences or even single words. Eventually I gave up, and thought about how much I missed Jacky. With him I always had someone to talk to. Niki’s silence left me with too much time to think.

Come afternoon both of us were slumping sleepily in our saddles. We pressed on until it was almost dark, and we arrived at a small town. Actually it was more of a cattle camp than a town; a main street with a few wooden houses and then tents and cattle corrals for the rest. We stopped at the edge of town, by one of the empty corrals. Seemed like there were no herds passing by today.

“Not much of a town” I said.

“It looks disgusting” Niki said.

“Still, a bed is a bed. I’m too tired to camp in the wild again.”

He looked at me and then at the few rickety buildings again. The dusty street was almost deserted and there was an eerie silence about the place. He nodded.

“OK” he said. “One night, then we move on.”

“Absolutely.”

We stopped outside one of the buildings. A sign over the door claimed it was a hotel. It didn’t look so bad inside, but there was no one in the reception. We waited for a few minutes, and finally an older man with a fluffy beard came out of another room and noticed us.

“Ah, welcome strangers! Would you like to stay the night?”

“Yes” I said. “Two rooms, please.”

“No problem” the man said happily. I wondered if we were his only guests.

“Are the rooms clean?” Niki asked.

“Well, clean enough I guess.”

“Clean them again, thoroughly, and I’ll pay double.”

The manager’s eyes opened wide.

“Of course, mister” he said.

“Do you sell food?” Niki asked.

“Well, I did. My cook took off with the latest cattle drive. I could whip something up for you myself I guess…”

“You do that. We’ll take a drink on the house while we wait.”

“Certainly” the man said and all but bowed to him before pouring us each a glass of whiskey from a bottle he kept behind the reception desk and then scurrying away.

We took our drinks and sat down at one of the tables in the little restaurant.

“Nicely handled” I said and lifted my glass in a toast.

Niki answered the toast and sipped his whiskey.

“You may not have much charm” I said. “But you’re efficient.”

He smiled.

“I don’t need charm. You have enough for both of us.”

“That’s true.”

We waited in silence for a while until the manager came back with two plates of greasy pork and beans.

“There you are, gentlemen” he said. “The girl is cleaning your rooms as we speak. I hope it will be to your satisfaction.”

“Thanks” I said.

“This place is a bit quiet now, but you should see it when the cattle drives come by. Then it’s one hell of a town!”

“Yeah, the stink of cattle is always good fun” Niki muttered.

The food wasn’t as bad as it looked. The meat even tasted quite fresh.

“You know, we only need one room” I said and looked at Niki.

He smiled at me with unusual warmth.

“We’ll check both of them and pick the cleanest one” he said.

We were both hungry and finished our food quickly.

“I want to go over to the saloon, see if there’s any life in this town at all” I said when we were done. “Are you coming?”

He shrugged.

“I guess so” he said.

The saloon was just next door. It was only slightly livelier than the hotel, with a couple of locals and a handful of guys that looked like cowboys on their way home from a job. No girls.

“This might be the saddest place I’ve ever seen” I said. “Want to go to bed instead?”

“Might as well. I don’t think I could find anyone to play cards with here.”

“I’ll play with you.”

He looked at me and raised one eyebrow.

“You?” he said.

“What? I can play lots of stuff, not just poker.”

He shrugged.

“All right” he said. “But not for money.”

“Fine. The loser does the cooking and dishes when we’re camping out. For a week.”

He grinned.

“Wow. I like playing when the stakes are high” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

We bought drinks and then sat down at a rickety table. Niki took his deck of cards out.

“You think I’d use your cards?” I said. “I know you cheat, you idiot. I’ll ask the barman for a deck.”

“Jim? I can’t believe it!”

I looked up and saw a man about my age with a mop of blond hair. He was coming up to us with a big grin on his face.

“Ronnie?” I said. “Ronnie, holy shit!”

I got to my feet and hugged him.

“It’s so nice to see you!” I said.

“You too! I couldn’t believe it was you, I thought you’d be dead by now!”

“Well, you know. I’m lucky.”

I turned to Niki.

“Niki, this is Ronnie Peterson, an old friend. Ronnie, this is Niki Lauda. We… work together.”

“Nice to meet you” Ronnie said and offered Niki his hand.

Niki took it, but didn’t get up and didn’t say anything. I wanted to kick him. Ronnie and I sat down, and I called for the barman to bring Ronnie a drink.

“What are you guys doing here?” Ronnie asked.

“Just passing through. Heading south.”

I tried to think what to say. Ronnie and I had been robbing stagecoaches together years ago, before I met Clay and he decided to go off and try his luck on his own. But robbing banks was a whole different level, and I didn’t want him to know.

“Anything exciting?” he asked and there was something in his eyes that made me even more careful.

“We’ll see. Niki has some relatives down south that might let us in on some of their business. We’re just heading over to check, thought it would be a nice place to spend the winter.”

I quickly met Niki’s eyes. He gave me a short nod.

“Sounds nice” Ronnie said.

“How about you? What brings you here?”

He looked down at his drink.

“Well, I’m just drifting, to be honest. I’ve tried a few different things, but nothing’s really worked out. I’m in a pretty bad place, actually.”

I felt bad for him. He had shame written all over him, and now that I looked closer I could see how thin he was and how dirty he looked.

“Where are you staying tonight?” I asked.

He shrugged and looked uncomfortable. I looked at Niki, tried to plead silently with him. He looked annoyed and then sighed.

“We’ve got two rooms at the hotel” he said. “James can sleep in my room and you can have his.”

Ronnie stared at him, and then at me.

“You would do that?” he asked. “Really?”

Niki shrugged.

“But I can’t pay you back” Ronnie said.

“Anything for a friend of James’s” Niki said ironically and gave me a sharp look.

I gave him a grateful smile in return, and then Ronnie leaned over and gave him a big hard hug. I could see Niki go rigid, a look of disgust on his face that made me laugh. I poked Ronnie’s shoulder and he looked at me.

“Don’t do that, he doesn’t like it” I said.

“Oh, sorry” Ronnie said.

We played cards for a bit and talked about old times before heading back to the hotel.

“Your friend” Ronnie said and nodded towards Niki when he walked up the stairs to check on the rooms. “He’s not a people person, is he?”

“Well” I said. “He’s German.”

Ronnie nodded, looking thoughtful. Niki came back and gave Ronnie one of the keys.

“Thank you” Ronnie said with his voice full of genuine gratitude. “You’re so kind.”

Niki turned and went back up the stairs again without a word. I made an apologetic gesture at Ronnie, told him good night and followed Niki up to our room.

“Why are you being such an asshole?” I asked when I had closed the door behind us.

Niki lit the oil lamp on the bedside table, took his hat off and sat down on the bed.

“Paying a room for a perfect stranger is being an asshole?” Niki said and pulled his boots off.

“Well… you could be a bit civil.”

“He is _not_ coming with us.”

“No, of course not” I said and took my boots and coat off. “I’m just glad we could give him a hand, he’s an old friend after all.”

“Are all your friends idiots?”

“That’s a bit mean.”

“So far all of them have been. All the ones I’ve met, anyway.”

He pulled his shirt and pants off, folded them neatly and put them on a chair. Then he went to bed. I took my clothes off and followed him. I looked at him in the dim light, feeling annoyed by his bad behavior and at the same time turned on by his very presence. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.

“You really are an asshole” I said and kissed him.


	10. Chapter 10

We had just mounted our horses and were about to leave the next morning when Ronnie came out of the hotel, looking confused and surprised.

“There you are” he said. “Oh, are you leaving?”

“Yeah” I said with an apologetic shrug. “It was nice seeing you, but we need to get going. Take care, all right?”

He looked at us and I could see what he was thinking before he said it:

“Listen, guys. I should get out of here too. You don’t mind if I tag along for a bit, do you?”

There was just a hint of pleading in his voice. I looked at Niki, who gave me a murderous look in return.

“Of course you can” I said, ignoring Niki’s angry eyes. “Get your horse and let’s go.”

“Thank! It’s just that, well… I…”

“You don’t have a horse” Niki said.

“Right. I sort of lost it in a poker game.”

“Jesus Christ!” Niki exclaimed and threw his hands in the air.

He jumped off his horse and came up to me.

“YOU sort this out” he said and pointed a finger at me. “I’ll go sit in the shade. Let me know when you and your pet moron are ready to leave.”

He took his horse, tied it outside the hotel and then marched up onto the boardwalk where there was a bench in the shade. He sat down, leaned his back against the wall and closed his eyes. Ronnie looked at him, and then at me.

“He’s fine” I said and got off my horse. “He just… he doesn’t like it when things don’t go according to plan.”

“Where did you find this guy?” Ronnie asked.

“Clay found him. He was a part of Clay’s train robbing gang before we split up.”

“He’s awful.”

“He’s… well, he’s an acquired taste.”

Ronnie looked at Niki as if he had trouble believing that. I had to stop myself from laughing. I was glad no one saw Niki the way I did. It was as if I was the only one who saw his good sides, which made it feel like he was all mine. I looked at him sitting on the bench and felt a surge of warmth and tenderness.

“He looks like a rat” Ronnie muttered.

“Don’t tell him that. Anyway, let’s go to the livery and see if they have a horse for sale.”

They did, although not a very good one. It looked like it hadn’t been fed an awful lot and might be very old. The saddle was cracked and dusty. Ronnie looked at the horse with a mix of disgust and pity, but took the reins when the livery man handed them to him.

“Thanks, Jim” he said as we headed back to the hotel. “I promise I’ll pay you back.”

“I know you will” I said.

“You seem to have done well for yourself” he said. “Nice clothes, and you can afford to buy a horse…”

“Well” I said. “I guess.”

“You know, I could be useful to you. Whatever you’re doing…”

“I know, but that’s really up to Niki.”

“He’s the boss of your little outfit?”

“In a way.”

“What do you do? Train robbery? Coaches?”

I just shrugged. We reached the hotel, and Niki looked up when he heard us. He stared at Ronnie’s horse for a moment, and then burst out laughing. Ronnie and I looked at each other, and then at Niki. He seemed to collect himself and got to his feet, but then he looked at the horse and started laughing again.

“I hate him” Ronnie muttered.

Niki untied his horse and climbed on it, still laughing. He took a deep breath and wiped tears of laughter from his eyes.

“Come on” he said and started riding down the street.

I mounted my horse and caught up with him on the way out of town.

“It was the only one they had” I explained.

He grinned, his eyes glittering.

“It must be horrible for Ronnie” I said. “He loves horses. He used to be really good at horse racing.”

Niki started laughing again.

“Stop it, you’re killing me” he said.

 

It turned out to be an awkward day. Niki had decided he didn’t like Ronnie and proceeded to make fun of his horse and drop sarcastic remarks throughout the day. Ronnie, visibly hurt and humiliated, responded by glaring angrily at him and then complaining to me as soon as Niki was out of earshot. The whole situation was ridiculous, and I had no idea how to resolve it.

That night we stopped at a motel by the road.

“We could use him” I said when I was getting ready for bed in Niki’s room. “He could help. Guard the horses if nothing else, but I think he could do a lot more.”

“He lost his horse in a poker game” Niki said.

He was sitting on the bed.

“So? I’ve done worse than that. I once lost my girlfriend in a game.”

He stared at me.

“Shit” he said.

“I know. But I’m more than that, right?”

He made a face to acknowledge that.

“So is Ronnie. He’s a great guy, he’s just had some bad luck.”

“You want him in our gang?”

“Not permanently. Just let him help us for a bit, have a share of the money from our next hit and then he’ll have something to start over with.”

Niki sat in silence for a while. I finished undressing and put some wood on the fire.

“You trust him?” he asked.

“Yes! We used to rob coaches together for years, he was great.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard all about that. It’s a miracle neither of you are dead or behind bars.”

“Will you get off your high horses for once? There are other ways to do things than yours.”

He looked at me, and then looked away. I got into bed, knowing he would need time to think. I pulled the cover up to my ears and waited. Finally he lay down next to me and I let him have half the cover.

“Fine” he said. “He can come. But only one hit, and if he does anything stupid, he’s out. If he puts us at risk I’ll shoot him myself.”

“Fine.”

“I know there are other ways to do things” he said. “But I only know my way. If you want to ride with me you’ll just have to accept that.”

“Whatever.”

He looked at me. I smiled, and he tentatively smiled back. We kissed. The room was almost dark, but the candle on the bedside table gave us enough light to see each other. I felt myself get hard. We hadn’t done anything more than kissing since that night in the boarding house in Willow Bend, but I thought about it all the time. I ran my hands over his body, longing to get underneath his underwear. I started unbuttoning his union suit at the front so I could get my hand in and caress his chest. He gasped and looked at me in surprise. Then he smiled.

“I could take it off” he suggested.

“Okay.”

“You too.”

“Yes.”

We both peeled our undergarments down to the waist. I had seen him without a shirt before; in the bathhouse, changing clothes, washing off in a stream… but it was different to have him so close and my hands all over him. His skin was so soft and hot, with just a hint of hair on his chest. It tickled the palm of my hand. I felt his hands find their way inside my clothes too, slowly caressing my chest and back. I got up on my elbow and leaned over him, kissed him again and let my hands wander down to his crotch. I still had no idea what to do with him, but decided to just try and see what would happen. I gently pulled my open hand over his crotch and clearly felt the shape of his hard dick under the fabric. It was the strangest feeling. He gasped, so I did it again. And again. I looked at his face. His eyes were full of lust and confusion.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Can I go on?”

Another nod. He looked scared, but so was I.

“Do you think we’ll go to hell for this?” I asked and carefully closed my hand around his dick, still with the fabric of his underwear between us.

“I don’t know” he said, his voice strained. “I don’t care.”

I started rubbing my hand back and forth. He closed his eyes and moaned. His reaction made me braver, and I let go and carefully stuck my hand underneath the fabric. It felt unbelievably intimate to touch another man’s privates. Not unlike touching a woman’s but the women I spent most of my time with were prostitutes and were quite comfortable with being touched in intimate places.

“Do you mind?” I asked and closed my hand around him again, slowly moving my hand back and forth.

He didn’t answer, but his eyes were closed, lips parted and he was breathing hard as if he was running. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I got my other hand inside my own underwear, grabbed myself and started to jerk both of us off simultaneously. I almost burst out laughing because it was such a strange situation, but the way it made me feel was very distracting. Niki came after only a few more strokes, with a hoarse gasp that turned me on even further. I saw him start to clean up the mess he’d made while I kept working on myself, and then I felt his hand over mine. I took my hand away, and he continued to jerk me off. The feeling of his hand in such a private place was unbelievable, and I came almost right away.

“Wow” I said when I had caught my breath. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah.”

We lay still next to each other for a while, trying to process what had just happened. It wasn’t that different from being with a girl, only more intense because my feelings for him were stronger than any I’d had for a girl. And everything was so new and complicated, but also exciting.

“I don’t think we’ll go to hell” Niki said.

“You don’t?”

“Making someone feel this good can’t be a sin. I refuse to believe it. And if it is, fuck it.”

“Literally fuck it.”

We both laughed. I kissed him on the cheek.

“I guess this makes you my girlfriend” I said.

“Fuck you” he said. “You can be the girl.”


	11. Chapter 11

The next few days passed in relative harmony. Niki made an effort to be nicer to Ronnie, and they even rode side by side talking to each other now and then. When I saw Niki laugh at one of Ronnie’s jokes I allowed myself to hope this could work. We were heading for Copper Creek, a bigger town about a week’s ride south. On the way there we stopped at mining camps, cattle camps or roadside motels whenever we could, trying to minimize the time spent in the wild even if it was cheaper. Niki left it to me to look after Ronnie, and after paying for his room the first few nights I finally agreed to lend him a sum and let him take care of himself.

Whenever we were in a room for the night Niki and I continued our nightly exploration of each other, but when we had to camp out or share a room with Ronnie we passed the night in patient frustration. In one of the cattle camps Niki managed to win a better horse for Ronnie at the poker table, and we sold the old one for a ridiculously low sum just to get rid of it. As soon as he had a decent mount we filled him in on our plans.

“Rob the bank?!” he exclaimed. “Wow!”

Niki looked around to make sure no one heard him, but he could have saved himself the trouble. We had stopped a bit off the road to eat and rest in the shade of some trees, and there was no one else around.

“You’ll have to follow our lead” I said. “This isn’t coaches anymore, this is big league.”

“Of course! I’d be honored! I knew you were up to something big. Wasn’t sure you were capable of it, though. You were always so impulsive.”

“I guess that’s why Niki’s the brain in this outfit” I said. “I’m the looks and the charm.”

Ronnie laughed. Niki smiled a little. He hadn’t said much, and I suspected he still preferred we do this without Ronnie.

“We’ll do one hit, split the profits and then you can pay us back what you owe. And then we’ll see what the future holds.”

“Of course! Thanks guys!”

 

Copper Creek felt huge and noisy after so much time spent in camps and on the road. I felt my spirits rise when we entered the town and saw the busy main street full of people, horses and wagons. I loved this. I loved the quiet nights with Niki on the road, sitting by the fire talking about this and that, or lying in a motel bed before going to sleep with his head on my shoulder, but I loved this too. People, shops, entertainment, noise, music. Life. 

We found a nice hotel and got a room each. It felt ridiculous to get two rooms for me and Niki when we both knew we’d only be using one, but we had to keep pretending. I wasn’t sure what would happen if anyone found out about us, but I wasn’t very keen on knowing.

We arrived in the middle of the day, and decided to take it easy for the rest of the day and start scouting out the bank tomorrow. There was a bath house next door to the hotel. Ronnie wouldn’t go, but Niki and I went. When the girls who worked there had filled our baths and left us alone we undressed, coyly looking at each other. We had starting to take our clothes off at night to allow easier access, but seeing him like this, completely naked in daylight was a very different thing. I loved what I was seeing. He was small and thin, but not too thin. He had a softness around the edges that I lacked, with my tendency to get too skinny and sinewy. He looked at me from head to toe and back again, and smiled. I smiled back, feeling my stomach tingle, and got in my tub.

After the bath we met up with Ronnie at a restaurant, and then went to see a show of girls dancing before heading to the saloon.

It took us about a week to prepare for the robbery. The bank was a big sturdy-looking building made of brick and wood. It smelled new. I paid my customary visit, actually making a deposit this time since we had more money than we could comfortably carry, and they bragged about the new patent locks on their vault and how they had guards around the clock. I brought this information back to Niki, who had rented two rooms on either side of the bank to do surveillance. Ronnie had also been put on surveillance duty, which he wasn’t entirely happy about.

We debated for a long time about whether to go in at night or day. If we went in at night there would be no customers or bank staff who could complicate things or get themselves hurt, but the guards didn’t have keys to the vault so we would have to open it ourselves _._ If we went in during the day we could simply get the staff to open the vault, but the risk would be higher _._ We finally decided on daytime.

We planned to do it in the afternoon when it was hot and the staff and guards would be tired and unfocused. Not us though, we were wired.

“Get it over with” Niki said to me and pointed to the privy when we were about to go.

“What?” Ronnie said.

“Go and throw up and have it done with so we can go” Niki said.

“I won’t…” I said, but then felt it start to rise in my throat. I didn’t make it to the privy, but at least made it outside. When I came back to the others Ronnie was staring at me.

“Just nerves” Niki said dismissively. “Nothing to worry about. Let’s go.”

“Seriously?” Ronnie said when we walked across the street to the bank.

I shrugged. Then I pulled my scarf up over my face, drew my guns and barged inside. I felt no hint of nausea now. I was so ready.

One of the tellers was helping a customer while the guard was dozing on a chair in the corner when we stormed inside. Niki and Ronnie took position on either side of the building, Niki by the door and Ronnie a bit further inside, their guns ready, while I walked up to the teller.

“Good afternoon gentlemen” I said. “As you might have figured out already, this is a robbery. I want you to help me empty the vault, or my friends over there might feel like they need to start shooting. Certainly we don’t want that, do we?”

He just shook his head, looking pale and frightened. The guard had woken up, but couldn’t do anything with Niki’s gun aimed at him.

It all went perfect. We left with more money than we’d managed to get anywhere else.

“Holy shit!” Ronnie yelled as we rode out of town at a full gallop. “That was amazing!”

Niki said nothing, just steered us onto our planned escape route, but I caught his eyes and saw that he was smiling under his scarf. I smiled back. It felt like life itself was smiling. I couldn’t imagine anything I’d rather do than ride out of town with Niki at my side and my saddle bags full of stolen money.

We stopped for the night in a copse of trees. I brought out a bottle of brandy, and we all shared it, toasting to our success.

“That was the wildest thing I’ve ever done” Ronnie said. “What a rush!”

We didn’t really need to say anything about taking him with us on future hits. It already felt like he was part of our gang.

 

The next town we hit was Grand Fork. We decided to go in during the day again, and it all seemed to go according to plan until the guard decided to play the hero and pull his gun on me.

“I don’t think you want to do that, good sir” I said. “My friends here have got you in their sights.”

“Don’t sweet talk me” he said. “If they shoot me, I’ll shoot you. Now, you all put your guns down and come with me to the sheriff’s station.”

I exchanged a glance with Niki. All I could see of his face was his eyes between the hat and the scarf, but he looked as terrified as I felt. It was a look I’d never seen on him before, not even when I rescued him out of that poker fight. I looked at the guard again. It had been a long time since I last looked down a barrel of a gun, and I didn’t like it at all.

A shot went off, and for a moment I thought the guard had shot me. But I felt no pain, and the guard fell to the floor. I looked at Niki.

“Let’s go” he said. “Right away.”

We left without even trying to get the money. We took our escape route as usual and rode hard until the horses lathered and stumbled under us. We picked a campsite well away from the road and made camp in awkward silence. It wasn’t until the fire was burning and we had warm food ready that any of us spoke.

“That was intense” Ronnie said.

“Yeah” I said.

“Do you think he died?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ve never killed anyone before” he said.

“You still haven’t” Niki said. “I shot him. If he died it’s on me.”

I looked at him. He looked somewhat grim, but if he was upset about what had happened he didn’t show it.

“Have _you_ killed anyone before?” I asked.

I felt like I was still in shock, not knowing what to do. It felt a bit like when Jacky died; it all seemed so unreal somehow.

“No” he said.

“Well, I’m glad you shot him before he shot me” I said. “There was nothing else you could do.”

“I know.”

I looked at him, surprised by how calm he sounded.

“You’re not upset?” I asked.

He shrugged.

“I knew this might happen. It’s a risky job. And I wouldn’t point a loaded gun at anyone unless I was ready to actually pull the trigger.”

“Damn you’re cold” Ronnie muttered.

Niki shrugged again and looked into the fire. I had to agree with Ronnie for once. I kept reliving the shot, the way it sounded, the smell of gunpowder, and how the guard had dropped to the floor. The memory made me slightly nauseous. And I hadn’t been the one pulling the trigger.

We didn’t talk much that night. We went to bed early, but I couldn’t sleep. When Ronnie came to wake me up for my watch I still hadn’t managed to fall asleep. I sat feeding the fire, thinking about all kinds of things, and now and then looking over at Niki. He lay still, but I couldn’t tell if he was asleep. I wanted to lie down next to him, talk to him or just hug him. It bothered me that I had no idea how he was feeling, and didn’t even know if he would tell me the truth if I asked.

 

The next town with a bank was Sheephorn Cross. If we had been planning our hits carefully before, it was nothing compared to now. Niki insisted we go in at night, to have better control of the situation, which meant we had to blow up the vault since the night guards didn’t have keys. He sent Ronnie to one of the miner’s camps outside of town, to pretend to be a new miner and buy some explosives. Ronnie and I had used them before, years ago, while Niki never had, so we were in charge of blowing the vault while he planned how to get in and out. It worked like a charm. We broke in, knocked out the guard, blew open the door of the vault and slipped away with our bags full.

 

Hynkelsville, a few towns over, presented a new challenge. The bank had a newly installed alarm. All the guard or teller had to do was pull a lever and a bell would start ringing that could be heard all over town. I befriended one of the guards over large amounts of whiskey, and he taught me all about how the alarm worked. While Niki tried to figure out how to disable it, Ronnie and I scouted the surroundings for explosives. We couldn’t find any, so in the end we had to do it in the middle of the day. It was another success; we put the alarm out of operation, we got what we came for, and nobody got hurt. As we rode out of town and into the mountains to hide, we noticed a group of riders following us. At first they were just a dust cloud on the horizon, and could just as well have been a coach. But as the afternoon wore on it was obvious they were following us. We headed further into the mountains than we had planned, went in zig zag patterns and rode in streams to confuse our followers and hide our trail. We managed to shake them off, but spent a nervous night without a fire, jumping at every sound.

“Niki, Jim, look at that!” Ronnie shouted as we came in to the next town.

I looked at the posters on the wall, and laughed. They were wanted posters.

“WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE

THE GENTLEMEN ROBBERS”

Underneath the headlines were crude sketches that looked very little like us, with our hats and our scarves covering our faces, and then a short description of a band of three young men robbing banks in the territory. It offered an award of 500 dollars for our capture, and was signed by US Marshal Bernie Ecclestone. I looked at the name and felt impressed with myself. A US Marshal was hunting me.

“Not bad” Niki said. “Gentlemen robbers. I like it.”

“They must be referring to Jim” Ronnie says.

“Well, it can hardly be you” I laughed and glanced at Niki.

He smiled.

“They don’t know what an asshole you are, though” Ronnie said. ”You never say anything.”

“I can’t say anything, I’ve got an accent” Niki said. “It would make it that much easier to identify me.”

I looked at him, shocked that after six bank robberies I still hadn’t figured out why he kept his mouth shut while there might be witnesses. It made me feel dumb, and I hated that feeling. I l caught Ronnie’s eyes. He looked worried, and I realized he had an accent too. He was Swedish. And my posh British accent was quite recognizable as well.  

“I’m a wanted criminal” I said later when we were sitting at a restaurant having dinner.

I couldn’t help grinning. Niki smiled, but then looked serious.

“It means we need to be even more careful” he said. “If they put out wanted posters for us it means they’re looking for us, and have an idea who they’re looking for.”

“We can hardly be more careful than we are” Ronnie said.

“Of course we can” Niki said. “But we need to start thinking about what to do next. We have a lot of money now. We can’t just carry it around, we need to invest it in something. Make it grow on its own.”

“Settle down?” I said.

“Yeah. At least for a while.”

“I’d like that. I’m fed up with riding around. I’d like to stay somewhere, make friends.”

“Meet a girl” Ronnie added and blinked at me.

“Yeah” I said and forced a smile. “Of course.”

I could feel Niki’s eyes on me, but didn’t look at him.

 

The next night we camped outside. We had a pleasant evening, having bought fresh eggs and chicken from a farmer, and sat around the fire talking. But that night I slept badly. I dreamed that I was in a saloon and met my parents. They looked just like when I had left England, and asked politely what I was up to these days. I tried to explain as tactfully as I could that I was a criminal now, and then I had to go because the marshals were coming.

I woke up feeling uneasy. I hadn’t thought about my family in a long time, but the dream woke feelings and memories from long ago. I wondered what they thought of me now. Did they think I was dead? Did they hope I’d made a success of myself, or did they know all along that I was going to fuck it up? Thinking about it made me feel sad and lonely. Part of me wanted to talk to them again, tell them I was okay and having a good time. Another part was happy to never see them again. It would break their hearts. They wanted me to be part of some successful business and marry a nice girl from a good family. I looked over at Niki, who was sleeping wrapped in his blanket. We hadn’t bothered to post a guard tonight. If he had only been a girl he might have been good enough for my parents. Sure, he was a criminal, and he was German, which was probably worse, but at least he was from a good family.

I tried to sleep but couldn’t. Finally I went over to Niki. I would just lie next to him for a little while, share his warmth, smell his hair, let his soft slow breathing calm me down. Of course I fell asleep.

“WHAT THE HELL??”

Niki jerked awake, and I followed a bit more slowly. It was morning and Ronnie was sitting on his blanket, staring at us. Niki looked at him, and then turned his head and looked at me. He looked confused at first, not awake enough to understand what was happening, but then it dawned on him and he gave me an accusing glare. It slowly dawned on me too.

“What are you two doing?” Ronnie said, his voice so full of disgust it sounded like he might throw up.

I sat up, no idea what to do. I shrugged. Niki looked at me, then at Ronnie. Then he got up and left to pee in the forest. I remained where I was with Ronnie staring at me.

“I never…” he said. “You… you are…”

“Whatever” I said and started to build the fire up again.

“Whatever? You’re committing the worst sin there is, and you say whatever?”

“Oh calm down. You think hugging a guy is a worse sin than murder?”

“Yes! The Bible…”

“Fuck the Bible!” I snapped.

Ronnie gasped.

“Oh, now you’re pious?” I said. “What about robbing banks, that’s fine is it?”

“Better than… whatever it is you two are doing!”

I was angry, but more than that I was hurt by his disgusted expression. Niki came back and started to help me prepare breakfast as if it was a morning just like any other. Ronnie looked at him.

“Haven’t you got anything to say for yourself?” he asked.

“No” Niki said without bothering to look at him.

“Well, if you think I’m going to follow orders from some… sodomist you’d better think again!”

Niki turned to him, eyes flashing.

“Then fuck off” he said. “Pay what you owe us and go. I’ve had enough of your tedious chatter anyway.”

Ronnie stared at him, and I looked nervously at them both to see what would happen.

“Take it easy, guys” I said. “We don’t have to fight about this.”

“The hell we don’t” Ronnie said and went to his saddle.

He started counting money, and I felt my heart sink. I didn’t want our partnership to end like this. I looked at Niki, who was coolly busying himself with his breakfast and ignoring both of us, and then went over to Ronnie.

“Hey, don’t be like this” I said. “Nothing’s changed. We’re still friends.”

“We’re certainly not” Ronnie muttered. “If I had known, I would never have taken up with you.”

“Really? You’ve never… you know. When you spend a lot of time with another guy, and there are no women around…”

He stared at me in horror and I thought I saw just a hint of guilt. I wasn’t going to tell him that what I felt for Niki was so much more than loneliness and sex.

“You make me sick” he said and pressed a bunch of money into my hands. “I hope God has mercy on your soul, Jim.”

He started to saddle his horse. I sat down by the fire, and took the bowl of oatmeal Niki handed me. I didn’t feel like eating, but did anyway, while out of the corner of my eye I could see Ronnie preparing to leave. When he was done he mounted his horse and rode off without saying anything else. I felt like crying.

“Good riddance” Niki muttered.

“Shut up” I said.

He looked at me.

“I’m sorry” he said.

We ate in silence. With Ronnie gone and nobody talking the world around us felt empty and still as if everything had stopped. I tried to come to terms with how I was feeling, but couldn’t make sense of it. After a while Niki moved closer and gently stroked my hair. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the touch and the comfort of having him so close. Then I opened my eyes again, turned towards him and kissed him.

 


	12. Chapter 12

We spent the rest of the morning in an uncomfortable silence. Talking about what had happened would be the same as talking about our relationship, and how all the odds were against us. I for one didn’t want that, and Niki didn’t say anything so I didn’t know what he thought about any of it. But as we broke camp and rode off it felt oddly comforting to have him riding next to me. I found it frustrating and absurd that all my problems seemed to center around him, yet his presence was my greatest joy and comfort.

Despite our gloomy prospects I allowed myself to think about the future for a while. We could never live together as a couple, but we could share a home as friends and business partners, and no one needed to know what went on behind closed doors. In a country with more men than women it wasn’t an unusual arrangement, and I wondered how many of those friendships and partnerships were really something else.

But I wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted. I looked at Niki, who rode beside me seemingly deep in thought. I had no doubts anymore that what I felt for him was love, as strange as it seemed, but that wasn’t necessarily the same as wanting a life together? I couldn’t see myself living with Niki as man and wife. Besides I had always wanted to have children one day.

I looked at him again and wondered what he was thinking. I was sometimes in awe of his mind, he always seemed to be a step ahead, planning, knowing things that never even seemed to cross my mind. Finally I had to ask.

“A penny for your thoughts” I said.

He looked up at me.

“What?”

“What are you thinking about?” I asked.

“Food.”

“Food?”

“It’s time to eat. Don’t you think?”

“I guess so” I said and laughed, feeling just a tiny bit disappointed.

So much for deep thoughts.

We stopped to eat and let the horses rest. The mood between us had relaxed somewhat since the morning. I tried not to think about Ronnie and the things he had said. We were probably better off without him anyway.

“We need to decide where to settle down for the winter” Niki said while we ate. “Especially now with the marshals chasing us we need to stay out of sight for a while.”

“Do you have anything in mind?”

“Not really. I don’t really know how to do anything other than cheating at poker and stealing…”

He made an ironic face, and I smiled.

“Me neither” I said. “But we have money, and some common sense between us. That goes a long way. I think we should scout the next town, but not for banks. For contacts. Opportunities. Get to know people and listen to their ideas. If we find someone who has skills and ideas, we can back them up with money.”

Niki nodded.

“But then what?” I said “After winter?”

He shrugged.

“Depends on how it goes and what we want. But I don’t want to rob banks for the rest of my life. I want a comfortable life. Money and low risk.”

I nodded.

“I want a home” I said.

He looked at me. I met his eyes. He nodded, and looked away.

We finished our food, cleaned the pots and then sat smoking and resting for a while before we got back on the road again.

 

It started raining later that day, and when we reached a farm that night we asked the farmer if we could sleep in his barn. He said no and told us to fuck off, but when we offered to pay for our stay he suddenly grew a lot friendlier and even gave us a pot of soup to bring out to the barn with us.

We set up camp in the driest corner of the barn, shielded from the door by hay bales so we could sleep together without worrying about someone walking in on us. We took our wet clothes off and hung them up along the walls to dry. I put on some of my extra clothes, enjoying the sensation of being dry and almost warm again.

“Shit, my extra clothes are wet too” Niki said. “The bag is leaking.

“Borrow some of mine, then.”

He went to rummage through my bags while I helped myself to the soup. It was just vegetables and a little meat, but it was fresh and tasted wonderful. I almost choked on it when I saw Niki come back wearing my clothes.

“A bit big are they?” I said and tried not to spit my food out from laughing so hard.

“A bit” he said with a sheepish grin.

He sat down and poured soup into his bowl. I tried to keep a straight face, but it wasn’t easy.

“This is nice” I said and gestured at the pot. “He even left us a lamp.”

“But apparently we didn’t pay enough to be allowed at the table” Niki said.

“I guess not. Still, I’m happy to spend the night indoors.”

“Me too.”

I looked at him and started laughing again.

“I can’t take you seriously when you’re drowning in my shirt” I said.

He shrugged and concentrated on his soup.

“If the farmer had allowed us at the table” I said. “Would you have gone dressed like that?”

 “Of course” he said. “There’s nothing wrong with this.”

I exploded with laughter, and this time Niki couldn’t keep from laughing too. He held his arm out to show me. The sleeve covered his hand completely, and we both laughed even harder.

When we went to bed that night, dry and comfortable on the soft hay, I lay down next to Niki with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t help thinking about what Ronnie had said, and it made me angry. Why would lying here with Niki be so much worse than lying with a girl? I’d never heard Ronnie object when I went with a hooker. If the Bible was anything to go by I already had a one way ticket to hell even before I met Niki, so why did I care what Ronnie said? But I did, and I lay there fuming about him for a while. I was just about to ask Niki what he thought, when I noticed he had fallen asleep. I put my arms around him and hugged him, perhaps a little too hard because he stirred.

“What?” he mumbled.

“Sorry. Go back to sleep.”

He did, and I lay awake for a while longer thinking about how much more I liked my life with him in it. I thought Ronnie could go fuck himself, and then I fell asleep.

 

The next day we reached a town, but we hardly had time to get rooms and eat before we discovered Ronnie had come this way before us. The first clue was when we came out of the hotel and noticed the wanted posters on the wall outside the Sheriff’s station. The drawings of us had improved, but Ronnie’s picture was missing. And the words now included our real names _. Wanted dead or alive for bank robbery and murder: the Gentlemen Robbers aka James Hunt and Niki Lauda_. I stared at it with a horrible feeling in my stomach.

Niki spat out a long sequence of German curses – the first time I’d ever heard him do that, since he was quite proficient at swearing in English.

“The asshole sold us out!” he said.

I didn’t know what to say. Ronnie was my friend. Or had been. I couldn’t believe he would do something like that, but couldn’t see how else it might have happened. It made me feel responsible. Niki had never wanted to bring Ronnie along. I stared at the poster, furious and terribly hurt at the same time.

“We have to find him” I said. “Before he gives them even more.”

It wasn’t hard. We’d barely entered the saloon before we heard that one of the Gentlemen Robbers had been caught and was being held in the next town awaiting trial. We hung around for a while, listening to the rumors about marshals and speculation whether he would be hanged or not, and then we left.

“Shit, what do we do?” I said as soon as we got to our hotel room.

“We have to get him.”

“How? If the marshals have him…”

Niki grinned.

“Same as we always do” he said. “We break in and steal him.”

I grinned back.

 

“This must be the dumbest thing we’ve ever done” I said and looked out the window at the Sheriff’s station across the street.

“I don’t know” Niki said. “Taking Ronnie on in the first place might have been dumber.”

“Maybe.”

He caught the sadness in my voice and came up to me.

“He was useful too” he said. “Before he betrayed us.”

“You’re not helping” I said, but couldn’t quite stop a smile.

He smiled back and then looked out the window.

“If we’re going to do stupid things, let’s do them well” he said. “We need as much information as we can possibly get, without giving ourselves away.”

The not giving ourselves away part was the hardest. We had no idea what Ronnie might have told the marshals. How much did they know about us? Over the next few days we tried to stay apart for as much as possible, since the marshals were looking for two men traveling together. Niki, with his overbite and German accent, was the most recognizable and stayed in the boarding room across from the Sheriff’s station most of the time doing surveillance while I went out and gathered information.

“What if someone talks to you?” I asked.

“What can I do?” he said with a shrug. “I can’t talk any other way. And I can’t be the only German around here.”

“You could pretend you don’t speak English” I suggested. “Ronnie must have told them that you do.”

He thought it over and then smiled. He said something that I didn’t understand.

“Not to me. I know you speak English” I said.

He answered in German, still grinning.

“I can’t believe how annoying you are” I muttered and left.

 

I managed to get one of the deputy marshals drunk one night. He was quite young, about my age, and told me about his home in Minnesota and how he had wanted to escape farm life and possibly become a sheriff.

“It must be so exciting to be a marshal” I said and looked admiringly at him.

“It is!” he said. “Well, at least some of the time. There’s a lot of riding, without really finding anything. And the boss is a bit of a pain…”

“Is he here too?”

“Mr Ecclestone? Yeah. He’s over there.”

He pointed at an older man with grey hair sitting a few tables over talking to a couple of other men. He looked mean.

“Was it him who caught that Gentleman Robber?”

“No, the local sheriff got him. He sent a messenger and we came here. It was a bit disappointing…”

“But still, you caught him!”

“Yeah. We’ve been hunting those guys ever since they robbed the bank in Copper Creek. Assholes, but they’re good. Well, maybe not the one who was caught. He was bragging in the saloon about his adventures, and some cowboys figured out it was him and dragged him over to the sheriff to get the reward.”

“What an idiot.”

The marshal laughed. I felt a thrill sitting here talking to him, and he had no idea who I was. The risk was insane, and wonderful.

“Did he tell you where the others are?” I asked and refilled his glass.

He drank it, and I refilled it again.

“Thanks” he slurred.

“Anything for an officer of the law. I can’t tell you how much I admire your work.”

“You’re a good man, sir.”

“Thank you. Well, did he?”

“What?”

He looked at me with empty eyes and I realized I was filling him up too fast. He had to be able to think and talk.

“Did he tell you where the other robbers are?” I asked again.

He shook his head, and I felt a wave of relief.

“He gave us some information about them, in exchange for a reduced sentence” he said. “Hard labor instead of hanging. But he didn’t know where they are. But we’re planning…”

He was interrupted by a hand on his shoulder, and when we looked up US Marshal Bernie Ecclestone was standing behind him. He looked even meaner up close. Short and squat, but with eyes that radiated intelligence and authority.

“I think you’ve had enough” he growled. “Go to bed.”

The deputy looked regretfully at the bottle, but got unsteadily to his feet.

“Yes sir” he said and then turned to me. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. Good night.”

I got up too, tipped my hat to Mr Ecclestone, took my bottle and left.

 

“He gives me the creeps” I told Niki later that night when we were in bed together.

“The marshal?”

“Yeah. The boss. I think they’re planning something, but I don’t know what. The deputy was just about to tell me when he got interrupted.”

“A trap?” Niki asked.

“Maybe.”

“We have to be even more careful, then. See if you can make any contact with the local sheriff. They might be unhappy about having the marshals here stealing their show.”

“Okay.”

We lay in silence for a while. Niki had his head on my shoulder and I played with his hair. A candle was burning on the bedside table.

“Are you upset about Ronnie?” he asked after a while.

“Yes. I can’t believe he betrayed me like this.”

“He’s just trying to save his life.”

“Would you sell me out to save your life?” I asked.

He snorted.

“Of course not” he said. “But I’m not a coward.”

“No” I mumbled. “That you’re not.”

He turned his face up at me, and I kissed him.

“I love you” I said.

This time it was so easy. It just came out. He looked at me, and I couldn’t read his expression. Then he smiled and turned his head away so he could rest comfortably on my shoulder.

“I love you too” he said and caressed my chest.

I felt a flutter in my chest, something that tickled deep inside. A sparkling, excited happiness, but mixed with worry; I wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Loving a man was wrong. I’d heard about men finding physical consolation in other men, but I had never heard about love between men the way I was feeling. This wasn’t friendship, or even sexual desire, it was the same kind of love one felt for a girl. But if I was wrong, at least I wasn’t wrong alone. _I love you too_. We were in this together.

I felt a happiness so big I didn’t think it could fit inside me. But it was a soft, quiet kind of happiness, rather than wild and loud. I forced myself to lie still and relax, let it fill every part of me. It’s okay, I told myself. We’re okay. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t.


	13. Chapter 13

We decided to do it late at night. We waited until my marshal friend was on night duty, and shortly before his shift began I sought him out and gave him a bottle of strong whiskey to share with his partner, one of the local sheriff deputies. When Niki and I snuck up to the Sheriff’s station an hour later they were sitting by the little table in the corner, both quite drunk.

“Hey!” said the deputy marshal. “It’s… what’s your name again? Thanks for the booze!”

“Don’t mention it, my friend. Anything for an officer of the law” I said and hit him in the head with the handle of my gun.

His partner nearly fell off his chair in surprise, and it was the easiest thing in the world to knock him out too. Niki stuck his head in to check that everything went according to plan, and then went outside to keep watch. I searched the marshal’s pockets until I found the keys, and went up to the cell where Ronnie was. He was sleeping on the cot by the far wall, looking rugged and unshaven but in good health. I unlocked the door and went inside.

“Ronnie” I said and shook him. “Wake up! Time to go!”

He opened his eyes and looked at me in horror, as if he’d seen a ghost.

“Jim?” he said.

“Yep. I’m here to rescue you.”

“Really? But how…”

“Come on.”

He got up and followed me out of the cell.

“Wait, my gun...” he said and turned towards the sheriff’s desk.

“Fuck your gun.”

“No, I need it. It’s here somewhere, I saw them take it…”

He looked around and found it almost at once, still in its hip holster. He quickly buckled it on and followed me outside.

Niki was waiting just outside, and gave Ronnie a disgusted look when he saw him. Ronnie looked guilty, but neither of them said anything. We went around to the back where our horses were waiting, including the new one we had bought for Ronnie.

“Wow” he said when he saw it. “You guys are amazing. I know I fucked up, and you guys are so good…”

“Just ride” Niki muttered and mounted his horse.

We were just about to leave the town behind us when Ronnie suddenly drew his gun and fired several times into the air.

“What the fuck?!” Niki yelled and reined in his horse so hard it almost fell over.

I looked at Ronnie and caught something in his eyes that made my heart sink.

“It’s a trap!” I yelled to Niki, and turned to look towards town.

There would be marshals coming after us any moment. This was what they had been planning. I looked at Ronnie again. He looked sad and guilty, but also defiant, and at that moment I couldn’t even hate him. All I felt was pity.

“You stupid asshole” I said.

“I had to, Jim! They were gonna hang me!”

I drew my gun and shot him in the head. It was easy, and I felt nothing. He slumped in his saddle and then slowly slid off his horse and fell to the ground with a heavy thump. The horse took a step to the side as if it felt as disgusted as I did. Niki stared at me in horror.

“What did you do?” he said, almost whispering.

“Go!” I yelled.

We both set off in a gallop, with Ronnie’s horse following behind. It didn’t take long before we saw the dust of other riders behind us.

We had planned an escape route as usual, and – also as usual – it was Niki’s job to make sure we stayed on it. But as we rode away from town it soon became apparent that we weren’t following anything at all, just riding straight ahead in blind panic. After a while I took the lead and tried to steer us out of sight of our pursuers. It was hard since this was fairly open country with little forest cover, and if you rode into the wrong canyon you could get trapped. I stopped behind some sandstone cliffs, towering over us like twisted dark shapes in the starlight.

“The escape route!” I yelled at Niki. “Where is it?”

He just stared at me, and then he leaned to one side and threw up on the ground. Seeing him lose his usual calm like that nearly broke my heart, but also terrified me. This meant I had to save us on my own. Niki wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He didn’t answer, only looked back the way we had come, eyes wide with fear.

“Come on” I said and started riding again. “We’ll be fine, don’t be scared.”

It was a horrible night. I tried to pick my way through the dark, to find as much cover as possible to allow us to disappear, but without running into a dead end that would have us caught like mice in a trap. My only comfort was when Niki after the first few miles finally snapped out of his panic and started helping. As soon as we had put some distance between us and our pursuers we slowed down, saving our horses so that we could ride hard whenever we came to open ground.

When dawn came and painted the landscape red and yellow there was no sign of any marshals, and we climbed to the top of a hill to look around. Nothing.

“Thank God” Niki said.

“Yes. But where are we?”

He gave me a miserable look.

“Let’s worry about that later” I said. “We need some rest.”

We walked slowly between tall sandstone cliffs and up narrow canyons, leading our exhausted horses. All of us, men and horses, were stumbling and staggering. Finally we found a place with water and shelter, deep inside a canyon with small trees and shrubs growing up its sides. We took care of the horses first, but left their saddles on in case we needed to leave in a hurry. Then we sat down on our blankets and went through our supplies for something to eat. We didn’t dare make a fire, but had brought food that could be eaten cold. We ate some crackers, apples and dried meat, and then lay down to rest. Neither of us said anything.

It was hard to relax. I was so tired, but kept jumping at every sound. Finally we both fell asleep from pure exhaustion. I had nightmares about being chased by Ronnie, who had a big hole in his forehead just like Jacky had, and was following me around asking why I’d killed him. I woke up, and at first I didn’t know where I was. It was bright daylight, probably early afternoon. Then I heard something move further down the canyon, the way we had come. Hooves on rock.

“Niki” I whispered and shook him. “Wake up, someone’s coming.”

He sat up, eyes wide and hair on end, and I would have laughed if I wasn’t so scared. We listened. It sounded like several horses, coming closer.

“Shit” I said. “We have to go.”

We grabbed our blankets and mounted our horses. Just as we were about to leave our camp, a group of riders came around a cliff. Seeing us caused some uproar.

“There they are!” someone yelled.

We didn’t have to say anything to each other, we both set off in a gallop down the canyon. It opened up onto a wide plain, and we rode as hard as we could.

“US Marshals!” someone yelled behind us. “Stop or we will shoot!”

We rode for our lives, first Ronnie’s horse who was riderless and fast, then Niki and I at the rear. We had no plan, no escape route, no hide-out, and the marshals were much too close. A shot was fired, then another. I looked at Niki, but saw no indication that he’d been hit. Another shot, and it felt like my arm was torn off.  There was no pain, just a feeling of terrible force, and I fell from my horse and tumbled around along the ground several times before coming to rest.

I tried to get up and draw my guns, but I was sore all over and disoriented after the fall. The dust made it hard to see and got into my throat, and my left arm wouldn’t obey me.

“Get the other one” I heard someone shout, and I heard riders leave.

Someone grabbed me, pulled my gun belt off and tied my hands in front of me. It all happened so fast, I didn’t stand a chance. I winced when I was pulled to my feet. My arm had started to hurt now; a burning searing pain from just above the elbow. It seemed to spread with every heartbeat, and I was starting to feel dizzy and nauseous.

“James Hunt?”

I looked in the direction of the voice, and saw Bernie Ecclestone stand before me. He was at least half a head shorter than me, but managed to look menacing enough anyway. I considered lying, but couldn’t see that I had anything to gain.

“Yes” I said. “You must be Mr Ecclestone, pleasure to meet you.”

“You are under arrest for robbery and murder” he said. “We will take you back to Livingston while we chase down your partner, and then you will both be taken to Newark for trial.”

“Sounds like fun” I said cheerfully, but felt the ground sway slightly under my feet.

My sleeve was wet, and when I glanced at it I could see blood pooling on the ground under my left arm.

“He’s bleeding quite bad, sir” the deputy who was holding me said.

“Patch him up. It would be a shame if he died before we had a chance to hang him.”

Ecclestone gave me a grin that could frighten the most hardened criminal, and went to his horse. The deputy who was holding me made me sit down while another one put a crude bandage on my arm.

“Some water would be nice” I said.

“Shut up.”

They helped me onto a horse and started riding back the way we had come, all the while treating me with a kind of contemptuous respect, as if I was truly dangerous – a  mountain lion or a rattlesnake. It would have been funny if I hadn’t been so worried about Niki. Were they still chasing him, or had they caught him? Shot him? Killed him? I fought down a wave of anxiety that made the dizziness worse.


	14. Chapter 14

By the time we got back to town the pain in my arm was excruciating, and I was weak from the blood loss. I didn’t even care what would happen to me, I was just relieved when I finally got to get off the horse and was taken to a cell where I could lie down and rest my spinning head. I heard the cell door close and lock, and closed my eyes.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, and didn’t know how much time passed. When I was awake I worried about Niki, and when I was asleep I dreamed about him. I dreamed that the marshals killed him, and woke up in a panic, only to drift off again into another terrifying dream. I dreamed that he was dead and came into my cell accusing me of causing his death. Him and Ronnie and Jacky. Everyone was dead because of me.

I vaguely noticed someone coming in at some point and working on my arm for a while. It hurt terribly, but I couldn’t move. I might have screamed. They gave me something to drink, and I faded out again.

When I woke up the next time it was night and the cell was dark. I could see light from outside my cell, and when I sat up I saw an oil lamp on the sheriff’s desk. My head was pounding and I was still dizzy, but finally fully conscious. I looked at my arm. The sleeve of my shirt had been cut off, and the arm had been bandaged by someone who knew what they were doing. There was a bottle of water next to the bed, and I drank it greedily. It made me feel slightly better, and I carefully stood up and went over to the bars that separated my cell from the rest of the sheriff’s station.

“Hey, buddy” I said to the deputy, who was half asleep in his chair.

He looked suspiciously at me.

“Could I have some more water?” I asked and held the bottle out between the bars.

He shrugged and got up and took the bottle. He refilled it from a bucket near the door, and handed it back.

“Thank you. You don’t happen to have some whiskey too? This hurts like hell.”

I nodded towards my arm.

“You think this is a fucking hotel?” the deputy said. “You should have thought about the consequences before you started robbing banks and shooting people.”

“Good point. My partner… is he… have you caught him?”

He looked even sulkier.

“Not yet” he said. “But it’s only a matter of time. And if he comes for you, he’s dead.”

“I hope he’s too smart for that” I mumbled and sat down on the bed again.

I drank some more water. My arm throbbed with pain, but the pain inside me was worse. I was going to hang for shooting Ronnie, and in some way I could agree that I deserved it. But that didn’t mean I wanted to die. And I would never, ever see Niki again. The only comfort I could find was hoping he got away and got to live a long life somewhere far away from here. I started to cry.

“Yeah, now you’re sorry” the deputy said. “Well, it’s much too late now.”

 

The next few days were torture. I spent a lot of time asleep, but still had way too much time to think.

Ecclestone showed up to interrogate me. A deputy tied my hands behind my back and then held me at gunpoint while Ecclestone came into the cell.

“Where is Lauda?” he asked.

It felt strange to hear Niki being referred to by his surname. It sounded so… German.

“I don’t know” I said.

“Do you have a safe place? A rendezvous?”

“No, we were just running.”

As unpleasant as this was, I was relieved to hear they hadn’t found Niki. If he was still free after several days, hopefully that meant he had managed to shake them off his trail. I felt a surge of pride and love when I thought about it.

“Where is he?” Ecclestone asked again.

“I have no idea. Hopefully a long way from here.”

“Do you have any partners or friends who would take him in? Family?”

“He has no one. Just me.”

It struck me that I didn’t actually know. I didn’t know all that much about Niki or what he had been doing before I met him.

“Cute” Ecclestone said. “Will he come for you?”

“I certainly hope not.”

“If you can think of anything that might help us find him, we might be able to reduce your sentence.”

He smiled in a way that I think was meant to be comforting, but was really quite terrifying.

“I don’t know where he is” I said. “I really don’t.”

Ecclestone’s smile disappeared and he glared at me.

“How would you feel if I take your food and water away for a few days? That might make you more cooperative.”

“Are you retarded?” I asked. “I DON’T KNOW where he is.”

He smacked me in the face with the back of his hand.

“Oh darling” I said and tried to hide how much it hurt. “Let’s not fight.”

I had the satisfaction of seeing his face turn red.  He turned to his deputies.

“No food or water until I say so” he said and left.

Over the next few days he tried twice more, but with the same result. Being without food was hard, and the lack of water was true torture. I was grateful I didn’t actually know where Niki was. I didn’t think I would tell them if I did, but after a couple of days without water I wasn’t so sure.

The one positive effect of the interrogations was that I knew Niki was free, and that gave me strength. I spent a lot of time thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, if he missed me and if he was planning to come for me. I wished he wouldn’t. Surely he was too smart for that? Whenever I heard anyone mention his name I listened intently, but the news were always the same. They couldn’t find him.

It was hard to tell how much time passed, but probably a few weeks went by. I had been given back my food and water, and my arm was healing, but I was weak and sore and had lost a lot of weight. But the boredom was the worst. I longed for a drink and some company.

“Can I at least have something to read?” I asked the deputy on duty after another failed attempt at making conversation.

They must have been told not to talk to me, because they only answered in sour grunts or not at all, no matter what I said.

“Here, you can read this” he said and handed me a Bible.

“Wow, thanks” I muttered.

I had never been religious, but the Bible was better than nothing. I spent a lot of time reading it, and the more I read the more worried I became. I was going to die. Soon they would give up trying to find Niki, and they would take me to my trial. I had killed a man, which meant I would hang. It felt surreal to think I only had days left to live. I had moments when I felt that I’d had a good life, that I was okay with dying. I had always done what I wanted and tried to get the most out of life. I’d had a lot of fun, a lot of friends, and even found love. How many people were that lucky? But I had other moments, moments of horrifying anxiety when I cried and cried because I didn’t want to die and worried that I would go to hell.

A few days before it was time to leave I woke up in the middle of the night from an explosion. My cell had no windows, so I went over to the bars and tried to see out the windows of the sheriff’s station. The deputy on night watch got up and opened the door to look outside. Through the open door I could see light from far away, as if something big was on fire. Soon action broke out on the street outside. People were running and shouting. Ecclestone showed up, clothes unraveled and hair on end.

“What happened?” the deputy asked.

“The grain storage exploded. You stay here! Guard the prisoner!”

He left. Another explosion shook the air, this one much closer. The windows of the sheriff’s station rattled and a picture and a mirror fell off the wall and shattered on the floor. The deputy ran out the door again, only to come stumbling backwards inside again, followed by a masked figure pointing two guns at him. I recognized the figure at once, and a wave of emotion washed through me, threatening to choke me.

“Give me your keys” a very familiar voice with a German accent said and waved one of the guns at the deputy.

Instead of obeying, the deputy reached for his gun, and Niki shot him in the face. He fell backwards and collapsed on the floor. Niki crouched next to him, found his keys and came up to my cell.

“Niki” I said, barely able to keep my voice under control. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

He quickly unlocked the cell and pulled his scarf down so he could smile at me.

“Go around back” he said. “Two blocks. Our horses are waiting there. I have one more thing to do. Wait for me for half a minute, if I don’t come you have to go without me.”

I put my arms around him and hugged him hard. He hugged back but then let go.

“We don’t have time” he said. “Later. If we get separated ride straight west, until you come to a waterfall just below some sandstone cliffs, it’s about two miles out of town.”

“Okay.”

I kissed him on the mouth. Then I grabbed my guns from where the marshals had hung them on the wall to taunt me, ran outside and around the building. I was strangely relieved to see my own horse waiting next to Niki’s a few blocks behind the sheriff’s station; the same one I’d had ever since I was in Clay’s gang. I’d never been very fond of horses, but I was running out of things that were familiar. At the moment that horse, and my things in the saddle bags, was the closest I had to some sort of home.

I mounted my horse and waited impatiently for Niki. It was unbearable to leave him out of sight now that I’d finally found him again. Suddenly there was another explosion, and the sheriff’s station turned into a ball of fire. A blast of hot air hit me in the face, and the horses whinnied. A moment later Niki came running as fast as he could from the chaos and climbed onto his horse. I could see something black in his face, as if he was covered in soot, and there was something about the way he moved that made me worried.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Go!” he yelled.

We went. We took back streets to avoid the worst of the confusion after the explosions, and left town on the west side. Riding into the night, finally free and with Niki by my side, was one of the best moments of my life. I was blissfully happy.

When we came to the waterfall he had told me about, he stopped.

“What?” I asked.

”I’m meeting my assistant here” he said. “I have to pay him.”

“Assistant?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

His voice sounded strange and I steered my horse closer. The moon was up, and the light from it reflected on his face. I realized with horror that it must be blood, covering the whole right side of his face.

“My God, what happened?” I asked.

”The explosion went off too soon” he said. “I was too close.”

“Let me see” I said and got off my horse.

We were interrupted by hoof beats approaching. I drew my guns, but Niki made a dismissing gesture and dismounted. The stranger rode up to us. He looked at me and grinned.

“So you’re the stolen goods?” he asked.

“I guess I am.”

“It was a pleasure blowing up a town with your partner.”

“I bet it was.”

Niki handed him some money, and he counted it and put it away.

“Thank you” he said. “What happened to your face? Did you get burnt?”

“None of your business” Niki snapped.

“I showed you how to lay out the charge…”

“Fuck off.”

He laughed.

”Friendly fellow, isn’t he?” he said to me and then turned to Niki again. “Have that looked at. Burns are nasty.”

He rode off. Niki turned to me. Blood was dripping down his face and onto his shirt.

”My God” I said. ”How are you?”

“We have to go” he said with a weak voice.

“We have to take care of you.”

“They’ll be busy with the fires for a while, but then they’ll come after us.”

“Where are we going? Mexico?”

”No. West. California.”

His knees buckled under him and I just had time to catch him before he dropped to the ground.  


	15. Chapter 15

Despite my weakened state I managed to lift him onto my horse and then tie his horse to my saddle before climbing up behind him. My horse was bigger than his and better suited for carrying two riders. I put one arm steadily around him, held the reins in the other, and started riding west. I kept a slow but steady pace rather than riding in a panic, all the while listening for the sound of hoof beats behind me and ready to shoot anyone who came after us. I had never felt more desperate in my life.

After the first hour I was sore all over from sitting in such a strained position, holding Niki and trying to keep his head from falling forwards too much. I tied the reins to the saddle horn so I could use both arms to hold him, and let the horse find its own way. I rode through the night and well into the morning, now and then correcting our course and making sure we stayed off the roads. The landscape was fairly open with small copses of forest between larger stretches of dusty plains, and it was mostly easy to ride even though we had no road to follow.

I stopped when I came to an abandoned cottage. I was tired and had to take care of Niki’s injuries, and was unlikely to find a better place. Niki had stirred a few times during the ride, but never woke up completely, and I had to carry him from the saddle and into the house. In my state of desperate anxiety it felt like he weighed nothing. There was a wooden cot in the house, without blankets but with a bit of hay still on it. I carefully put Niki down on the floor, got his blanket and laid it out on the cot, and then lifted him up onto it. It was full daylight now, and I was horrified when I put him down on the bed and saw his face. He had stopped bleeding, but half his face was covered in dried blood, with some clear liquid oozing between the cracked scabs.

I fetched water and wood and made a fire, and my thoughts returned to that time when I rescued him from the poker fight. This felt similar, but also wildly different. Back then he had been a new acquaintance, someone I might be starting to like. Now he was my world, and I had tears in my eyes and a big lump in my throat when I got everything ready to clean him up and inspect the damage. I tried to remember what I had learned about burns in medical school. I wished I had paid more attention.

He woke up when I started cleaning the wounds.

“Hi there” I said. “How are you?”

“It hurts” he gasped, his eyes full of anxiety.

“Do you want some whiskey?”

“Yes.”

I had already brought my bottle in, and handed it to him. He drank it in deep gulps as if it was water, stopped to cough and catch his breath, and then drank some more. My heart sank. It must really hurt.

He lay still after that, but despite the numbing effects of the alcohol I could see tears trickling from his eyes.

“Almost done now” I mumbled. “You’re amazing. I love you.”

With the blood cleaned off he looked much better than I had feared. His right cheek, temple, ear and part of his forehead was burned, and some of the hair above his ear was gone. The skin was an angry red, oozing and blistering, but there was no charring and his eyes were unharmed. If I could keep the wounds clean and dry, and manage the pain, he should be alright.

“There” I said. “We’re done.”

“Are you going to bandage it?” he asked, his voice sounding hoarse and exhausted.

“No. It will only get stuck in the wounds. We’ll leave it open for now.”

Besides, I had nothing clean to bandage it with.

“Okay” he said and closed his eyes.

“How do you feel?”

“Like I want to die” he mumbled.

“Don’t say that. Not when I finally got you back.”

He opened his eyes again and managed an almost-smile.

“Sorry” he said, his voice sounding slightly slurred.

I put my hand on his head and softly caressed his hair.

“I can’t believe you were stupid enough to come for me” I said.

“I was” he said.

“Tell me about the assistant. Who was he?”

He smiled.

”Give me some more whiskey” he said.

I took a swig and then handed him the bottle. He drank just as greedily as before and gave it back.

“I hope you have more” he said.

“I do.”

“I beat him at poker” he said. “He lost big, but didn’t have money to pay his debt. He offered to work it off, and when I asked what he could do one of the things he said was he had been an explosives expert in a construction company. I told him if he did what I said and asked no questions I would forgive his debt _and_ pay him.

“So that’s when you had the idea to blow up a town?” I asked.

He nodded, smiled and even giggled a little. He must be quite drunk by now.

“How many people have you killed for me now?” I asked and tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

“I lost count” he said and chuckled.

I caressed his hair for a bit longer, and then kissed his unharmed cheek.

“You should sleep” I said. “How’s the pain now?”

“Unbearable.”

“I’m sorry I don’t have anything to give you. If we find a town or a farm there might be opium.”

“Don’t worry” he said in a drunk, sleepy voice. “I can handle pain.”

“I’m sure you can. You’re the toughest guy I’ve met.”

“You bet I am” he said and promptly fell asleep.

I put my blanket on him and then went outside to gather more wood. There weren’t a lot of trees here, so I ended up breaking off pieces of an outhouse that was falling apart anyway. The wood was dry and burned well.

I was exhausted but found it hard to rest knowing the marshals might be coming for us. I went outside again and climbed on top of the cliff behind the house to look around. I saw no trace of riders, but when I looked to the eastern horizon I saw large clouds of smoke in the distance. I laughed. He had actually blown up a whole town to save me. He was crazier than even I had thought.

I went back to the cottage and heated some food over the fire. Niki had stocked up on food before coming for me. While I ate I went through the rest of our supplies. In my saddle bags I was happy to find some of my old things; clothes, the gear for cleaning my guns, a couple of worn books. There were new things to. Mostly food, but also clothes for winter. I opened his saddle bags too, and among other things I found maps of the mountains and of California, neatly folded into a thin notebook. In it he had written down names of towns and people, with notes written in what must be German with English words thrown in here and there. I found notes about explosives and a plan of the sheriff’s office where I had been kept, as well as our escape route drawn on a crude map. It made me smile. I had never planned anything in my life, and here was Niki planning everything.

I turned my head and looked at Niki. He was snoring, maybe from the alcohol since he normally didn’t, and I felt a surge of love so strong it took my breath away. After all that had happened I no longer felt any doubt about what I wanted my future to be like. I never wanted to spend another day without him.

When I had eaten and repacked our supplies I went back up on the cliff for another look around. Still nothing. The landscape was peaceful and quiet, even beautiful. I looked to the west, where the mountains rose at the horizon. We were already in their outliers, the flat landscape giving way to canyons and cliffs. I wondered if Niki would be strong enough to get through the mountains. He had planned for everything, except getting hurt.

I went back to the cottage and carefully lay down next to him, on his undamaged, left side. I made sure I had my guns within reach, and then tried to get some rest.

I woke up from a sudden movement next to me, and saw Niki hurry out of bed and stagger to the door. He flung it open, doubled over and threw up on the doorstep. Then he knelt on the floor and threw up once more. I got out of bed and went over to him. I crouched next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey” I said. “How are you?”

His shoulder felt alarmingly warm under my hand, and I moved my hand to his forehead.

“Shit” I said. “You have a fever. Go back to bed.”

I felt a first trickle of real fear. Fever meant infection, and infection meant his chances of recovery just got a lot worse.

“We have to go” he said in a hoarse voice and wiped his mouth. “They’ll come.”

“You’re in no condition to ride.”

He turned to me, his eyes flashing.

“I’m not going to let them catch me, or kill me in here!” he said. “I’d rather die on my horse.”

“You’re not dying anywhere. We’ll go, but at least drink some water first. Can you eat?”

“I can try.”

“How’s the pain?”

“Stop asking” he snapped.

“All right. Want more whiskey?”

“Later.”

I helped him back to the bed where he sat down while I got the food ready. When we were finished we went outside. It was night, but the moon was almost full and the sky was clear so it was easy to see where we were going. We had looked over the maps while we ate, so I knew where we were heading. I had to know, because Niki was busy trying not to fall off his horse. I was terrified. The burns themselves were not that serious, but an infection could kill him within a few days. It was frustrating that for all my knowledge of medicine I could do nothing for him. I had no painkillers, no medicines for bringing the fever down, no means of keeping the wounds clean. All I could do was get him to drink water, offer whiskey for the pain, and try to keep him safe from the marshals.

We stopped often to rest, drink and check the maps, and then we rode on. I looked at Niki every few minutes to make sure he was still conscious. When he saw me look he kept a straight face, but whenever I caught him unawares the pain was written all over him.

It was around afternoon or early evening when we came through a mountain pass and arrived at a farm. It was built along a cliff wall on one side of a mountain meadow. A sheep pasture covered a large part of the meadow. It was beautiful. Along the cliffs were copses of trees in their fall colors.

“I’m going to ask if we can stay the night” I said.

Niki didn’t answer. He was sitting slumped in his saddle, eyes closed. I reached over and took the reins from him, and he didn’t seem to notice. I fought back another wave of fear and led his horse up to the house, got off my horse and knocked on the door.

No one answered, but after a little while I saw a woman peek out of the barn. She went back inside, and then a man came out. He was older, maybe the girl’s father, with dark hair, big sideburns that covered most of his cheeks, and a friendly smile. I took a liking to him right away, and dared to hope that maybe he would help us.

“Good evening” he said and came up to us.

He glanced at Niki and then looked at me.

“Good evening” I said. “I’m sorry to impose, but we need help. I’m Jim, and this is my friend Nick.”

I changed our names slightly at the last moment. It wouldn’t fool anyone who was looking for us, but it felt better than nothing. Especially Niki was an unusual name and might stick in people’s memories.

“Nice to meet you, Jim” the farmer said and offered his hand. “I’m Emerson Fittipaldi, and this is my daughter Marlene. My son and his wife live here too, but they’ve gone to town for supplies.”

I shook his hand and looked at the young woman who was walking up to us. She looked a little shy, but also curious.

“Nice to meet you” I said. “My friend’s been hurt, we need somewhere to stay for the night. We can pay.”

Emerson looked at Niki, then at me, and then at Niki again before exchanging a glance with his daughter. I waited breathless for their reply, fully aware of how much I depended on them. If they said no, could I keep Niki alive another night in the wild?

Niki chose that moment to fall off his horse, which seemed to decide the matter. We all rushed towards him.

“Good Lord” Marlene said. “What happened to him?”

“We had an accident when our camp fire spread through some dry grass” I said, making it up on the spot.

“Get him inside” Emerson said and turned to his daughter. “We’ll put him in your room, and you can share with me.”

“Thank you!” I said, so relieved I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and ended up somewhere in between. “That is so kind of you, I can’t tell you…”

“Help me carry him” Emerson interrupted and grabbed Niki’s shoulders.

Emerson and I carried Niki inside while Marlene ran ahead to prepare the room and show the way. It was a nice house, quite large, and seemed well built. The room they took us to was a small bedroom with a bed along one wall, a bedside table, a chest of drawers and a desk with a chair. It smelled nice and seemed wonderfully clean after all the scruffy hotels we had seen.

We put Niki down on the bed, and then stood there for a moment looking at him, unsure what to do. He was unconscious, and his injuries looked terrible next to the clean bed linens. The skin was red and swollen and a yellowish liquid was oozing out of it making it glisten in a sickly way. In some places he was bleeding again.

“I don’t know what to do with him” I said. “I have some medical training, but I couldn’t take care of him on my own. He has a fever and is in a lot of pain…”

I realized I was babbling, anxiety and desperation bubbling up inside.

“You two get him out of those dirty clothes” Marlene said. “I’ll get some bandages and laudanum.”

“Thank you.”

She left, and Emerson and I carefully got Niki out of his shirt and undershirt, both stiff with dried blood. He didn’t wake up, and his skin felt burning hot to touch. I could feel my fear start to turn into panic as his odds just seemed to get lower.

Marlene came back with a change of clothes, a bowl of water with a washcloth, bandages and a couple of medicine bottles.

“Let’s give him some laudanum and get this cleaned and wrapped while he’s out” she said.

She glanced at me.

“Could you hold his head up and let’s see if he can swallow some of this” she said.

“Of course.”

I sat down on the side of the bed and gently lifted Niki’s head up so she could spoon laudanum into his mouth. He swallowed but didn’t wake up, and the rising panic inside me swelled further. He was too out of it, the fever too high, the wounds too bad. I put him back down on the pillow again, and forced myself not to think about it. I looked at Marlene. She looked back but her eyes were full of concern, and I looked away.

“Why don’t you get some rest?” she said. “I can do this on my own. Pop, make our guest comfortable.”

“Of course” Emerson said, and I realized he was still in the room. “Would you like to sleep in here with your friend, or you could take the room above the barn? It belongs to the ranch hand, but he left for the gold fields a while ago.”

“I’d rather stay with him, if that can be arranged.”

“Of course. I’ll get a mattress in here.”

He left. I sat down on the chair in the corner and watched Marlene clean Niki’s face before wrapping his injuries in a clean bandage. It was a relief to not have to see the angry red burns any more. Emerson came back with a mattress, and Marlene helped him make up a bed for me on the floor.

“Thank you” I said. “For everything. I can’t believe how kind you are.”

“It’s what every good Christian would do” Marlene said. “Wouldn’t you?”

I couldn’t answer. I thought about how I had killed Ronnie without a moment’s hesitation.

“I’ll leave you to rest” she said. “I’ve left a glass of laudanum on the table. You can give him some more when he wakes up.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

She smiled at me and left, carefully closing the door behind her. I sat down on the mattress and started to cry. Then I wiped the tears from my face and went out to tend to the horses. Emerson showed me where I could stable them, and then I took our saddle bags back to the room and closed the door. I tried not to look at Niki, sat down on my mattress and dug a bottle of whiskey out of the saddle bag. It didn’t turn the suffocating panic away, but it took the edge off it. I lay down on the mattress and lay there for a while, listening to the peaceful silence of the house, wondering if the marshals would be able to find us here. I felt bad for using these people’s hospitality. If they knew who we really were they would turn us away immediately. Or would they? I decided not to worry about it. We were here and we had no other options at the moment. This was a blessing, and we had to accept it with open arms.

 

When I woke up it was morning. I must have slept for over 12 hours and felt more rested than I had in a long time. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, and turned to see Marlene sitting by Niki’s bedside. I sat up.

“How is he?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“I gave him some more laudanum a few hours ago, but his fever is still much too high. We should send for a doctor.”

I got up and came over to the bed. Niki’s face was ghostly pale between the bandage and the dark stubble on his cheeks.

“A doctor can’t do anything” I said. “This is up to him. Either he survives the infection, or he doesn’t.”

I wanted to look away from the horrible sight he made, but couldn’t. If he died it was my fault, just like Jacky and Ronnie were my fault.

“You’re very close to your friend, aren’t you?” Marlene said in a soft voice.

“Yes.”

We were both quiet for a while, watching Niki.

“Come” Marlene said finally. “I’ll get you some breakfast.”

I spent the day helping at the farm. I hadn’t done farm work before, but it wasn’t that hard. Emerson told me what to do, and I did it. Most of it seemed to involve carrying things.

Even with the horrible circumstances it was nice to stay in one place for a while, surrounded by the peaceful beauty of the mountain landscape. I could almost forget about the marshals here. Come afternoon a wagon rolled up the road and I was introduced to Emerson’s son Mario and his wife Dee Ann. Both Emerson and his son were pleasant company and nice to work with. When the sun started to sink below the mountains and we went inside for supper I hoped for good news about Niki, but when we sat down at the table and Emerson asked how the patient was doing, Marlene lowered her eyes. I felt a stab of fear.

“We should call for the priest” she said in a low, grave voice. “His fever is still very high, and his breathing is shallow and labored. It’s just like when mother passed…”

She exchanged a glance with her father. He nodded and she looked at me.

“I’m sorry” she said. “But I don’t think he will last the night.”

I sat there for a moment, not a single thought in my head. Just my heart hammering in my chest. Then I stood up so fast the chair fell over, and ran outside. I didn’t know what to do. I screamed into the quiet dusk and kicked at a fencepost. He couldn’t die! He just couldn’t!

I sat down on the ground and cried, big ugly sobs tearing their way out of me. It felt like my heart would burst, like I would explode with grief, and he wasn’t even dead yet.

After a little while Emerson came out and sat down next to me.

“Mario has gone to fetch the priest” he said.

I nodded and wiped my face.

“Do you want to be there?” he asked.

“No.”

“Come.”

He got up and offered me his hand. I took it and he helped me up. I followed him to the woodshed next to the barn. He handed me an axe and showed me a large pile of uncut wood.

“It helps” he said. “For a while. I cut a lot of wood when my wife died.”

I wanted to tell him that Niki was like a wife, but I couldn’t. Instead I nodded and placed a piece of wood on the chopping block. I didn’t want to cut wood. I wanted to get really really drunk in a saloon full of people and noise and music distracting me from the painful terror inside me.

I was still cutting wood when the priest arrived. Emerson came out and gave me a lamp, and then went inside again without a word. I hoped that if Niki had died he would have told me. I was still cutting wood when the priest left again.

When I couldn’t lift my arms anymore I went inside. The others looked at me with compassion, but I ignored them and went to our room. Niki looked like before, but now I could hear how labored his breathing was. A few times he stopped breathing and I thought he was dead, but then he started again. I knelt by the bed.

“Niki” I said and took his hand.

It was limp in my hand, and very hot.

“Don’t die” I said, and heard how weak and scared my voice sounded. “Please. You have to fight. You’re tough, I know you can do it, don’t give up now. You have to stay with me, every day for the rest of our lives, and annoy me with your ratty teeth and your insane attention to detail and your grumpy moods, and make me laugh with your silly jokes and when you pick the wrong word…”

The lump in my throat grew too big and I had to stop. I looked at him, but there was no reaction. I let go of his hand, clasped both my hands together, and prayed.

When I had nothing more to say I carefully crawled into bed with him and lay next to him, too scared to hold him in case it would obstruct his breathing. The burns on his face smelled bad, and his body was so hot that after a while I couldn’t stand being close to him anymore. It was too obvious how sick he was. I got out of bed, dragged my mattress over to it so I could sleep as close to him as possible. I kissed his cheek, caressed his hair and tried to comb through some of his messy curls with my fingers.

“I love you” I said, sat down on my mattress and opened my last whiskey bottle, fully expecting him to be dead in the morning.


	16. Chapter 16

“Jim.”

I woke up with a start. Marlene was kneeling beside my mattress, and she was smiling.

“He made it” she said. “His fever’s gone down.”

I sat up so quickly it made my head spin and my stomach turn. My head was pounding and I wondered how much whiskey I’d had last night.

“He’s alive?” I said.

I looked at her intently, didn’t dare look at Niki.

“Yes” she said and smiled. “I don’t know how, but he’s definitely better. He’s breathing much easier.”

I got up and looked at him. He still looked pale and much too still, but I thought there might be some more color in his face, and that horrible ragged breathing was gone. I put my hand on his face. He was still warm, but not nearly as bad as last night.

“You tough little fuck” I said. “Oh, pardon my language, miss.”

Marlene laughed.

“You’re pardoned” she said. “And he _is_ tough.”

She looked at him with a tenderness that made me feel jealous. It suddenly struck me how beautiful she was. She had long dark hair pinned up on her head, friendly dark eyes and a wonderful smile. She was small and light and moved with grace and elegance. In short, she was everything I wasn’t.

“I’m going to change the bandages” she said. “You go get some breakfast. I’ll call for you if he wakes up.”

I went to the kitchen. Suddenly it felt like the whole world was smiling. The happiness and gratitude I felt now was just as strong as the pain and terror I had felt last night. Mario and Dee Ann came into the kitchen, and we talked about Niki’s recovery and agreed that God needed to be praised for this miracle. I secretly thought that Niki was the one who deserved praise, but didn’t say anything. 

Marlene came into the kitchen just as I was finished.

“He’s awake” she said with a smile. “He’s asking for you.”

I got up and went to our room. Niki was sitting up in bed, leaning against some pillows. He had a clean shirt on, and Marlene must have helped him shave. He looked pale, gaunt and tired, but I was so relieved to see him awake I got a lump in my throat.

“Hi” I said and felt my face turn into a big crazy smile.

“Hi” he said.

“How are you?”

“Tired” he said. “But not too bad. It doesn’t hurt so much anymore.”

“I’m glad” I said and closed the door behind me.

“I heard I scared you. Sorry…”

“You sure did.”

I sat down on the side of his bed and put my arms around him. I hugged as hard as I dared. He hugged back, but there was no strength in his arms. I let go and kissed his mouth, his forehead, his left cheek. I couldn’t have enough of his wonderfully cool skin. I wiped away a few tears, and Niki averted his eyes, looking awkward.

“You almost died” I said. “I’ll cry if I want to.”

He nodded.

“When I woke up and saw this nice room and Marlene I thought I’d died and gone to heaven” he said with a smile.

I smiled back, but the smile felt fake and awkward. I thought about how she had looked at him.  

“What?” he asked when he saw my smile die.

“I love you” I said and sat down on the side of the bed.

He smiled.

“I know” he said. “I love you too.”

Marlene came in with a tray of food, I quickly stood up hoping she hadn’t seen how close I’d been sitting.

“I brought some soup” she said and put the tray on the bedside table. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really” he said with a little smile. “Just thirsty.”

“Try to eat a little if you can” she said and helped him sit up straighter before she handed him the bowl.

I watched how relaxed they seemed in each other’s company and felt a bitter, burning jealousy.

“How did you two meet?” Marlene asked in a conversational tone while Niki tasted his soup.

“We… uh, we worked together. A few months ago. Trains.”

She nodded.

“And where are you heading?”

“West” Niki said.

He sounded tired and put the bowl back on the table.

“I’m sorry” he said.

“Not at all” Marlene said. “Can you drink some water?”

He nodded and she handed him a glass. He emptied it, and then lay down again.

“Get some rest” Marlene said. “I’ll bring more food later.”

“Okay, thanks.”

She smiled at him, her eyes lingering on him for just a second too long, and then took the tray out. When she had left I looked at Niki, searching for some sign that he liked her. He smiled at me, and I went up to him and kissed him.

“I should go get some work done” I said. “I’m doing some work on the farm, and I offered to pay them for our stay.”

“Good.”

“I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.”

I went outside to look for Emerson and Mario, and after a while I forgot about Marlene and thought about how happy I was that Niki was better. His recovery was so unlikely it was almost a miracle, and I had to convince myself that it had really happened. He was really going to be okay.

When I came in at dusk Niki was awake again, and I took his dinner to his room. He looked even better now, his fever was completely gone and he even managed to eat some. After dinner Marlene came in to change the bandages. The burns were healing quickly. The blisters were gone and the scabs had dried up and were starting to be replaced here and there by pink scar tissue.

“You don’t need the bandage anymore” she said. “Fresh air is better.”

“How bad is it?” he asked after she had left and the door was closed.

“It’s healing” I said.

“I mean, how bad do I look?”

“You look fine” I lied.

“I want to see a mirror.”

“Are you sure…”

“Now!”

I went to the bathroom and found a hand mirror that I reluctantly brought him. He looked into it for a long time, without betraying how he felt. I didn’t know what I felt myself. A confusing mix of anxiety, sadness and relief that he was still here. I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t take my eyes away, torturing myself. The scars would ruin his beauty forever. Parts of his right ear were gone, and the hair that had been burned off would never grow back. And it was all my fault.

“What do you think?” I asked when he finally put the mirror down.

He shrugged.

“I think it’s a small price to pay for being alive.”

I smiled.

“What do _you_ think?” he asked.

“I think it’s an improvement” I said. “Not many men could have half their face burnt off and look better than they did before.”

“Fuck you” he said, but he was smiling.

“Maybe I’ll fuck _you_ ” I said and sat down next to him on the bed.

I kissed him slowly and ran my hand down the front of his body, down below the cover. His body reacted quickly, and I stuck my hand inside his pants and grabbed his hard dick. He gasped.

“I’m too tired to do anything” he warned me.

“Then lean back and let me do it for you” I said. “How about a blow job?”

He stared at me.

“You would do that?” he said.

“Why not? Do you want me to?”

He nodded, an excited spark in his eyes.

Putting another man’s dick in my mouth was a strange experience. The skin was so soft and delicate, and I was suddenly very aware of how hard and sharp my teeth were. I tried to remember all the blowjobs I had received, what the girl had done and how it had felt. I got the hang of it eventually, but it was harder than I expected. My jaws started to ache after a while, and saliva was gathering in my mouth at a disgusting rate.

It didn’t take him long to come. I felt him shake slightly beneath me, gasp and then breathe hard, and my mouth filled with something warm and slimy. I couldn’t make myself swallow, and grabbed a handkerchief to spit into. Then I looked at Niki. He was leaning back against the pillows and was smiling, looking happy and very relaxed. He had some color on his cheeks again.

“How was it?” I asked.

“Wonderful. Thank you. As soon as I’m better I’ll do it for you.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

I lay down next to him, and he moved over to make room for me. I put my arms around him and just lay there for a while, happy to have him here, more or less healthy.

“We’ll stay here until you’ve recovered” I said.

He nodded.

“Then what? You said something about going west?”

“Right” he said. “We never had time to talk. I have a plan.”

He smiled, looking tired but still awake.

“Let’s hear it” I said.

“We go to California and open a restaurant.”

“A restaurant?” I asked. “What gave you that idea?”

“When you were in prison I talked to some gold diggers who had been to California and were returning east. They said there are lots of gold diggers but not nearly enough hotels and restaurants for them all. It’s the perfect market. And we can put our money from the robberies into it, making it legal. Plus, no one is going to suspect two restaurant owners in California.

“That’s actually a good idea” I said. “It’s so crazy I could have thought of it myself.”

“Also, I hear the weather is nice” he said.

I laughed.

“Is that why you want to go to California? I’m sure there’s a need for restaurants in Klondyke too.”

“I’m not going to Klondyke.”

I smiled and pulled my fingers through his hair.

“I can picture myself as a restaurant owner” I said. “I like it.”

“Yeah” he said, starting to sound drowsy.

I played idly with his hair, careful to stay away from the burned part.

“I never want to rob anyone again” I said.

“Me neither.”

“Or shoot anyone.”

“No.”

We lay there in silence for a while.

“Are you still awake?” I asked.

“No.”

“I’m sorry I shot Ronnie.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Are you?”

“If you hadn’t shot him we would both be in prison, or probably dead.”

“Yeah.”

We lay in silence until he fell asleep, and then I reluctantly got out of bed and went to my mattress on the floor. 


	17. Chapter 17

Niki wasn’t there when I woke up the next morning. The bed was not only empty, but neatly made, and I smiled as I got up and pulled my clothes on. I went to the kitchen. It smelled of coffee and bacon. Emerson and Mario were already out, but Marlene and Dee Ann were sitting at the table with Niki. It was wonderful to see him out of bed.

“Good morning” I said and sat down by the table.

Even though I knew what to expect it was hard to see him with all the dark scabs in his face. It looked like he’d had half his face peeled off.

“Nice to see you up” I said. “How are you?”

“Good. Weak, but much better.”

“I’m glad. You look better.”

We had breakfast, and then I went outside to help Emerson and Mario mend fences. They seemed to be spending a lot of their time mending fences, but I didn’t mind the work. It was peaceful to work with my hands in the beautiful surroundings, and I wondered if I could get used to this kind of life. Their sheep dog seemed to have taken a liking to me, and often sat next to me while I worked, keeping me company. Now and then I threw a stick for him, and watched him run and fetch it.

There was a chill in the air this morning, and I could see my breath. Winter was coming, and I wondered if maybe we might stay at least until spring. Part of me wanted that. After all that had happened we needed time to rest and heal, and this was the perfect place. But another part longed to be alone with Niki and in charge of our own lives again.

When we went inside for lunch it had gotten warmer, but it was still chilly. I had to talk to Niki about what we should do. If we didn’t leave before it started snowing we would be stuck here, but who knew when he might be strong enough to travel?

“Will you get Nick?” Marlene asked me while setting the table.

“Of course” I said, and went to our room.

It still felt strange to use his fake name, but I was getting used to it.

Niki was asleep on the bed, on top of the bed spread, fully dressed. I looked at him for a moment, happy to see him in normal, healthy sleep rather than the horrible unconsciousness of his fever. But looking at him I felt again the confusing mix of sadness over his injuries, guilt because he had gotten them while rescuing me, and relief that he was recovering so well. I wondered if I would ever be able to look at him again without feeling shattered like this. I wished we could go back to before all this happened, when things were less complicated.

I woke him up, and we joined the others in the kitchen.

 

The next few days passed in much the same way. I worked on the farm while Niki recovered his strength, spending more and more time up and about. The scabs slowly turned into scars, but he was still much too thin and weak.

When I came out one morning, about a week after we had arrived at the farm, the ground was covered in snow and I realized it was already too late. Winter wasn’t coming, it was already here. I felt a sense of claustrophobia, but also of relief that the decision was being taken from us.

Despite the snow it was a nice day, the sun glittering on the snow-covered cliffs around the farm. I was cutting wood when I saw something in the corner of my eye, and when I turned around I saw Niki walk up to me, dressed in winter clothes.

“Hi” I said and put the axe down. “First time outside?”

“Yeah” he said and looked around. “I don’t remember what it looked like.”

“You were pretty out of it by the time we got here” I said.

He nodded.

“The last I remember is the cabin you took us to” he said. “Next thing I know, I woke up here.”

That meant he had lost almost four days. I tried not to think about it. I didn’t want to remember too much about those horrible days.

“It’s pretty” he said. “Nice place.”

“Would you like to stay?” I asked.

He looked at me.

“Stay?” he said.

“It’s a little too risky to cross the mountains now, don’t you think?” I said. “Especially in your condition.”

“I’m fine” he said, but I could tell not even he believed it.

“We could stay over winter” I said.

“What if they find out who we are?” he said and looked around to make sure no one heard us. “The town isn’t that far away, and even people living like this hear news now and then.”

“Well, what can we do?”

“I don’t know. But we can’t risk getting caught again.”

I shook my head. Neither of us could think of anything more to say, and after a while I picked up the axe again.

“Can I try?” Niki asked.

I looked at him in surprise, and he made an annoyed face.

“I’m not made of glass” he snapped and gestured for me to hand him the axe.

I did, and watched him chop wood for a little while. He held out longer than I thought, but then he handed the axe back to me.

“I’m going back inside” he said. “I’ll look over our maps and see if there’s a way out of here.”

I nodded and resumed chopping wood while he walked up to the house.

 

“Did you find anything in the maps?” I asked when we lay in bed that night.

I had made a habit out of lying in bed with him for a while – sometimes having sex and sometimes just talking or resting together – but making sure I moved back to my own bed before I fell asleep. It was risky, but felt worth it. If someone caught us we could always tell them we were not only sodomists but also bank robbers and murders, and then they would forget all about us sleeping together. The thought made me chuckle.

“What?” Niki asked.

I told him, and he laughed.

“Good plan” he said. “I might have found something in the maps. The pass I had planned on taking might still be open, if we leave soon.”

“So, you want to try it?” I asked.

“I think so. Just give me a few more days.”

“Okay.”

I looked at him and smiled. The thought of leaving together was uplifting, and I realized that as pretty and peaceful as it was here, and as kind as our hosts were, I was getting quite bored. And the thought of moving further away from the town Niki had blown up made me feel a lot better.

He smiled back, and I kissed him. Then I put my fingertips on his right temple, and gently caressed the skin down to his cheek. Most of the scabs were gone now, leaving half of his face covered in reddish scars. It looked a bit like the skin had melted, but when I touched it it felt firm, uneven and somehow harder than normal skin. I leaned closer and kissed his temple. He tried to pull away.

“Does it hurt?” I asked.

“No.”

“Then sit still.”

I kissed his cheek, letting myself fully feel the scar tissue under my lips. Exploring it, getting to know it. This was permanent, and I had to get used to it. I wanted to be able to touch him without thinking about what he had looked and felt like before.

He seemed tense, but didn’t move. I kissed the burned part of his forehead, then the temple again and what was left of the ear. He started to relax slowly. I kissed his cheek again.

“You’re beautiful” I said, and tried to feel like I meant it. In a way I did.

He looked at me, for a moment there was something miserable in his eyes before he pushed it away and replaced it with his usual determination.

“Who cares what I look like?” he said with an arrogant smile.

“I do. And I swear you’re no less attractive than you were before.”

His smile became slightly embarrassed, and then he leaned closer and kissed me.

“I think I owe you a blow job…” he said.

I looked at him and smiled, feeling an expectant tingle in my stomach.

“Do you want to?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Do you know how to do it?”

“Just because I don’t bed everything in sight doesn’t mean I haven’t been with girls” he said.

“I didn’t mean…”

He reached his hand inside my pants and shut me up.

 

The next day was Sunday. The Fittipaldis lived too far from the nearest church to be able to go there every Sunday, and performed their service at home together with their nearest neighbor.

“This is bad” I said to Niki when we were out feeding the sheep early in the morning. “Who knows what news the neighbors have heard, they might have seen the posters and recognize us.”

“I know. But what can we do? Run away?”

I looked at him. He was stronger, looked more like himself again and had started to help with the farm work, but he still tired easily and had far from recovered the weight he’d lost. If we ran into hard weather or got lost and had to starve he wouldn’t stand a chance.

“I think this might help” he said and gestured at his face. “The marshals don’t know I was hurt.”

“Yeah. But it also makes you easier to remember. People will notice you now.”

He nodded. We finished feeding the sheep, cleaned out the barn and then played with the dog for a while before we had to go inside to prepare for the service.

“I have half a mind to steal you when we leave” Niki mumbled and scratched the dog’s ears.

The Stewarts, a family of four adults and three children, arrived shortly after. Niki and I were on edge. My every instinct told me to keep out of sight, but that would look too suspicious.

When the house filled up with people I had to admit I enjoyed it. The visitors had a similar arrangement as the Fittipaldis – a middle aged couple living with their son and his wife and children. The young wife was beautiful, and I amused myself by flirting discreetly with her through the service, that she seemed to find as pointless as I did.

After the service was over we all shared a meal. The visitors had brought food, and Marlene and Dee Ann had worked all morning to prepare something special. It was delicious, and the atmosphere around the table was warm and cheerful. I wondered how anyone could stand living so isolated that a visit from the neighbors felt like a party. I tried to see if anyone cast us any suspicious looks, but couldn’t tell if it was anything beyond normal curiosity. Niki’s face drew some attention just as we had predicted, but no one was rude enough to ask and finally he volunteered the story about the camp fire I had made up. They oohed and aahed and the women offered recipes for ointments that were certain to reduce the scarring.

As the mood became more relaxed and the conversation flowed more easily we started getting questions about where we’d come from and where we were going. They were desperate for news and stories, and I told them anecdotes and events that had nothing or little to do with us. I even told them of the bank robbers that were on the run and how apparently one had been caught and then escaped. I loved being the center of attention and making people happy and excited with my stories.

“You sure can talk” Niki said when we went out to feed the animals after the Stewarts had left.

“Was it too much?” I asked.

“I don’t know. They’ll remember you now as the funny, charming Brit.”

“Well, I am charming. And the way these people live they’ll remember even the most boring person. They hardly meet anyone at all.”

He smiled a little, but got serious again.

“And telling them about bank robbers…”

“I wouldn’t do that if I was one of them, would I?” I said and grinned.

Niki shrugged.

“Emerson didn’t look convinced. I think he’s onto something, he was staring at us all the way through the dinner.”

“Was he?”

“Yeah. And he and Mr Stewart talked for quite a while. I think we should leave.”

“Maybe they were talking about sheep.”

“Maybe.”

We were nervous and uncomfortable for the rest of the evening, and when we were in bed that night we finally decided that we would leave the next day. It was still a big risk, but as Niki put it we would both rather die on a mountain than in the marshal’s noose.

 

The next morning it was snowing heavily, and there was already a foot of snow on the ground. The air was bitterly cold and a sharp wind was blowing from the mountains. It hadn’t reached storm strength yet, but Emerson said at breakfast that he expected it to do so later and we’d better go out and make sure both animals and people were well prepared. Niki and I exchanged a glance and both knew what it meant. We were stuck, at least until the storm passed, and possibly after that, depending on how much snow it brought. If the pass snowed shut we had nowhere to go.

The storm lasted two days, and when it was over the farm was covered in snow. We had to shovel paths to the barn and the privy to be able to leave the house at all, and nobody was going anywhere. Niki and I were antsy, snapping at each other or working in sullen silence, frustrated about being kept here when we had decided to go. On the other hand, nobody could bring news about who we were as long as we were all trapped in this little part of the mountains.

The next Sunday we had to make do without the neighbors, since we were still snowed in. It was surprisingly nice. The service was simple yet beautiful, and afterwards we had a nice dinner.

“Boys, I’d like a word if you don’t mind” Emerson said just as we were about to go to bed.

He looked serious, maybe even nervous. I exchanged a quick glance with Niki and saw in his eyes the same fear I felt. This was it.

“Of course” I said and smiled.

He went into the living room, and we followed. My heart was pounding and my mouth was dry. Would he keep us here while he got the marshals? Or would he show mercy and simply kick us out and give us a chance to escape providing we could survive the snow? He was a good and pious man, there was a chance he would leave law enforcement out of it. I hoped he would, then I wouldn’t have to shoot anyone – only get Niki over the mountains in one piece. Maybe there was a chance we could make it.

“You’ve been here about two weeks now” Emerson said.

“We’re very grateful for your hospitality” I said. “Aren’t we, Nick?”

“You saved my life” Niki said matter-of-factly.

Emerson smiled.

“You’ve been very helpful” he said. “Your work on the farm is much appreciated, especially Nick who is probably helping out more than his health permits.”

Niki made a dismissive gesture, and Emerson smiled again.

“Anyway” he said. “As I told you before, our farm hand left a while ago to test his luck in the gold fields, and Mario and I have been working very hard to make up for his absence. Having you here makes all our lives easier, and I want to ask you to stay on as farm hands.”

Niki and I looked at each other in astonishment. I had no idea what to say.

“I can’t pay you much, I’m afraid” Emerson said. “I don’t really have the money for two employees, but I’ll do everything I can do treat you fair, you’ll be fed and clothed and housed, and if you stay on until we sell the new lambs in the spring, we can share the profit.”

I listened to him and my heart sank. You sweet, stupid man, I thought. How can you offer us work when you know nothing about us? If he had any idea of who we were he would look at us in disgust and possibly have us hanged.

He seemed to at least partly read my mind.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed that there’s something you’re holding back” he said. “You always change the subject and distract us with amusing stories whenever your past comes up. And God knows you don’t talk much, Nick, but that’s your way and I respect that.”

We both nodded, waiting for him to continue.

“But whatever you did it’s between you and the Lord, and none of my business as long as you’re honest and work hard while you’re here. So what do you say?”

I couldn’t find my voice. I looked at Niki, who shrugged almost invisibly. I nodded at Emerson.

“We’d be happy to stay at least until spring” I said. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad.” Emerson said. “I’m afraid you’ll have to keep sharing a room, but you might want to check out the room above the barn. It’s quite comfortable, and then Marlene could have her room back…”

He smiled, and we both nodded.

“Of course” I said.

 

And that’s how Niki and I went from bank robbers to farm hands. We took a lamp with us out to the barn to look at the room right away. It was in the loft, next to the hay and grain storage – a small room under the eaves of the roof, sturdy and well insulated so that it kept the warmth from the animals underneath. There was a bed along one wall, and just enough floor space for us to sleep together on the floor.

“It’s not bad” I said.

“It’s clean” Niki said approvingly. “But how can he be so naïve?”

I shrugged.

“Maybe he knows more than he says” I said.

“Then why ask us to stay? Do you think he plans to turn us in?”

“No. I think he means what he said, that it’s between us and God. He’s that kind of man.”

“He’s an idiot” Niki said.

“Maybe, but he’s a better man than both of us together.”

Niki nodded. He looked around the little room and sat down on the bed.

“This is good” he said. “Just what we needed, even though I had hoped to get further away. It will keep us invisible over winter, no one will expect the Fittipaldi farm hands to be fugitives.”

I smiled.

“And we’ll have some privacy in here” I said.

He grinned.

We went back inside and found that the women had prepared tea and cookies to celebrate that we were staying. We sat around the table chatting about this and that in the light from an oil lamp, mostly about winter and all the improvements they could do to the farm now that they had two pairs of extra hands. It was almost like being part of a family again.


	18. Chapter 18

Fall went by quickly. Apart from occasional visits to the neighbors and a harvest festival in a village a day’s journey away, we stayed on the farm and the days passed in uneventful monotony. Some days I wanted to scream from the boredom. Other days I was quite content; usually when the weather was nice and work pleasant, and I could look at our beautiful surroundings, enjoy the people around me and relax knowing we were moderately safe and comfortable here while winter passed.

Marlene sewed a new headband into Niki’s hat, of soft flannel so it wouldn’t chafe against the scars. They gradually became less angry red, and the hard physical work and hearty food of farm life soon put some weight back on him.

“I think farming becomes you” I said one night when we had withdrawn to our room above the barn.

I ran my hands over his chest, back and arms, enjoying the new muscles developing there. We had made a big bed on the floor where we could sleep together, and each morning we had to rearrange everything to make it look like one of us used the bed and the other slept on the floor.

He smiled.

“It’s fine” he said. “Good for recovering from illness, but boring in the long run.”

“Yeah.”

“You look right at home though” he said and ruffled my hair. “They can put you on a field to scare birds away.”

“Who’s the scarecrow in this relationship?” I said and tickled him. “You ugly fuck.”

He laughed and squirmed to get away.

“You’re lucky actually” I said. “Some people are born ugly, at least you have the excuse of an accident.”

“At least I don’t have a haystack on my head” he said and tickled me back.

We wrestled and laughed before the play fight turned into foreplay. Our sexual explorations had improved after we moved out of Marlene’s room, and we now enjoyed a variety of blow jobs, jerking each other off or simply rubbing our cocks against each other until we came. The more we did it the more natural it felt. His body didn’t feel so alien anymore. I was getting to know it, learning what he liked, what he didn’t and what drove him crazy with desire. At the same time it was a process of getting to know my own body and how it worked together with another man.

Sometimes it was frustrating to have to learn everything from scratch. I was good at sex, it was one of the things I knew and liked about myself. I could please a woman in an almost endless variety of ways. To sleep with a man, and especially one so private and secretive as Niki, was much harder and often made me feel insecure. When I succeeded in making him come really hard I felt great about myself, thinking this is easy, I know this too. But other times I seemed to leave him half indifferent, or he even rejected my advances claiming he’d rather sleep. At those times I would lie awake for a long time thinking there’s no way we can pull this off. Those nights were hard and made me wonder if there was any point in pursuing a relationship that so obviously didn’t have a future. What did I have that could make it worthwhile for him? How long would it take before he decided to leave?

However, love added a dimension I hadn’t known before. I had been infatuated with a lot of people, and attracted to even more, but this was the first time I was really in love, and that made everything new in a beautiful, heart-breaking way.

This night I sucked him for a bit, and then let him suck me. I felt his hands on my ass, touching me in the way he knew I liked.

“What if you were to… you know… come inside?” I said.

“What?”

“You know, through the back door.”

I felt awkward and unsure, and it was a feeling I wasn’t used to. He looked blankly at me before the penny dropped.

“Do you want me to?” he asked, and there was a light in his eyes that told me the idea excited him.

“I would like to try, and see how it feels.”

I had fucked women in the rear end, and occasionally been fingered in my own behind, but had never considered actually being entered myself. It was a strange, exciting thought, and the more I thought about it the more I knew I had to know what it was like.

“Put some ointment on and go very careful. Maybe fingers first?”

“Okay.”

He’d been given a big jar of ointment from one of the neighbors, for the scars. It was made of calendula oil and bees’ wax and smelled faintly of flowers and honey. He refused to use it for what it was intended, but we had discovered it was great for the dry, cracked skin on our hands, as well as providing excellent lubrication.

He put some on his fingers and carefully pushed one inside while slowly stroking my cock with his other hand. I lay on my side, feeling a wonderful wave of lust wash through me. I moaned, and he smiled and gently edged a second finger inside.

“Not too fast” I said.

“Okay.”

He slowly moved his fingers inside me, and when I nodded my consent he added a third finger.

“How does it feel?” he asked.

“Wonderful. And a little painful.”

“Let me know when you’re ready.”

After a little while the pain subsided.

“Now” I breathed.

He slipped his fingers out, and I got up on my hands and feet. There was something strangely intimate about offering him my behind, making myself open and vulnerable for him. I felt the hot smooth skin of his cock slowly slip inside. There was a faint, burning pain, but he went very slowly and kept stroking my cock at the same time. I heard myself whine with the unusual pleasure of it all, and heard him breathe faster as he started to move slowly in and out.

“Are you okay?” he asked, sounding slightly out of breath.

“Yeah. How does it feel?”

“Fantastic” he gasped.

In addition to the physical pleasure, it was arousing to have him inside of me, and I wondered if this was what it felt like to be a woman. The sounds he made, little gasps and moans of pleasure, added to the excitement of it all, and I came quite suddenly, my body shaking and my ass tightening around him. He came just a few seconds after me, pushing in a little too hard so I had to hold back a cry of pain. We lay down next to each other. My ass felt sticky from both the ointment and the mess he’d made, but I didn’t want to move to clean myself off just yet. I put my arm around Niki, enjoyed his warm body, slightly damp with sweat. I breathed in the smell of his skin and his hair and felt completely happy. We had invented new sex. Someone somewhere must have had the same idea, but we had come up with it ourselves, and it had been fantastic. He looked at me, his eyes drowsy and happy, and smiled.

“I want to do that again” he said. “And I want you to do it to me.”

I smiled.

“We will.”

 

Christmas crept up on us. The days were all the same, only the Sundays stood out. We only noticed that Christmas was approaching when the women started to prepare the Christmas food and by the Bible passages Emerson, or Mr Stewart, read to us in Sunday services.

Christmas was celebrated at the Stewart farm. We all traveled there together on Christmas Eve, after having seen to the animals and made sure they would be all right until we came back again two days later.

At the Fittipaldis we were treated as family, but whenever we arrived at the Stewarts it became obvious that we were hired help. We were welcomed at the table, but were expected to keep a respectful distance to the families we were working for. The Stewarts had a bigger farm than the Fittipaldis, and employed a maid as well as two farm hands, Gunnar and Jochen. I had never been interested in the staff before in my life, but now I looked at them and wondered what their story might be. Who were they, why had they come to America (Gunnar was Swedish and Jochen was German), what their dreams and goals might have been and how they had ended up where they were now. We helped them with the farm work in the evening, and it seemed natural that Jochen worked with Niki and I with Gunnar. I heard them speak German to each other, amazed by how quick and easy that strange language flowed between them. I didn’t understand a single word. Talking to Gunnar was painful, since his accent sounded exactly like Ronnie’s. I hadn’t thought much about Ronnie lately, but I did now. I didn’t talk to Gunnar more than absolutely necessary, preferring to work in a sullen silence, listening to the strange sounds the two Germans made.

The night was lonely. We shared a room with Gunnar and Jochen, who both snored. Niki didn’t, and I wasn’t used to sleeping in noisy quarters anymore. I could hear that he was awake too, but I didn’t feel like going over to him. I lay awake for a long time wishing I could leave and do something else. Anywhere but here in this dark room with these strange men on this remote farm. I thought about last Christmas. I had spent it with Clay, Jacky and Frank, our train robbing gang. We had been in a small town after one of our hits, attended the Christmas Day service in the tiny wooden church there before beginning the real celebrations with an expensive dinner and then a night in the brothel. It had been a glorious night, made even better by the fact that it was Christmas and everyone was in a good mood.

I wondered what Clay was doing now. Did he have a new gang, or was he doing something else entirely? Maybe he’d been arrested, or killed. There was no way of knowing unless I ran into someone who knew. It made me sad, and I started thinking about England and life there. It had its drawbacks, but at least you could stay in touch with people. If I wanted to I could write my parents a letter right now, and mail it the next time we went to town. It might take months for them to get it, but eventually they would. And if I left an address and stayed long enough they would even be able to reply. The thought excited me for a moment, and I tried to calculate how long I would have to stay on the Fittipaldi farm to receive a letter from my family.

I got myself into a nostalgic mood and thought about Christmases spent at home. The tree, the traditional party with all my parents’ friends. Music, dancing, food, the complicated systems of etiquette and clothes, everything had to be right or you risked offending someone or losing your social status. I had found it suffocating, but now that I was well away from it I could afford to miss it just a little bit. Christmas at home had been nice.

I allowed myself to fantasize about bringing Niki to one of those parties. He would look fantastic in a fashionable suit and I had no doubt he could carry himself with the grace and dignity required. Then I remembered the scars on his face. Everyone would stare at him and he would stand out and look strange no matter what he was wearing. My fantasy shattered and I felt like crying; partly because life was too difficult sometimes, and partly because I was an idiot.

 

If socializing with the farm hands was a bit of a strain, I enjoyed Mr Stewart’s daughter-in-law, Paul Stewart’s wife Victoria, much more. Whenever we were in the same room her eyes always seemed to find mine, and I enjoyed exchanging flirtatious smiles with her across the room.

Christmas day wasn’t that different from other days. We worked on the farm, but got to enjoy a nice Christmas dinner. Mr Stewart read the gospel, and then we sang Christmas carols. It was all rather pious for my taste, but beautiful too in a sweet, innocent kind of way.

After the service we just sat around in their living room, relaxing and drinking hot spiced wine. Marlene played the piano. Victoria excused herself to go to the privy, and before she left the room she gave me a smile heavy with meaning. I looked over at Niki, who was talking to Jochen. From the stream of unintelligible words he might as well be telling his life story for all I knew, and suddenly I was sick to death of him. I followed Victoria outside after making sure nobody was looking, and caught up with her half way to the privy. She turned and smiled at me, and I kissed her. It felt strange to kiss a woman again after several months with Niki, but mostly it felt good. I had missed it. She smelled wonderful and had soft lips with soft skin around them. No stubble. She kissed me back with a burning urgency that turned me on.

“In the barn” she said. “It’s warmer.”

We looked around, and then snuck inside the barn and climbed the ladder to the hayloft.

It wasn’t my best performance. I was in too much of a hurry, too afraid of getting caught, and her wonderfully feminine body turned me on so much I couldn’t last very long. But I did make her come and afterwards she was happy and rosy.

“I knew you’d be good” she said with a smile, straightened her clothes, picked hay out of her hair and climbed down again.

I did the same, and snuck inside the house trying not to look guilty. Niki was still talking to Jochen, now they were laughing at some German joke, and I doubted he had even noticed I had been outside.

On our way home the next morning I couldn’t decide if I should feel guilty or not. It was only sex, and we had never made any decision to sleep only with each other. On the other hand it might have been quite obvious that we should, after all we had been through. I thought about how much I loved him and wondered if he would be hurt if he found out about Victoria. He might, or he might not, I couldn’t tell. I wondered what he had talked to Jochen about, and felt silly for being jealous of a farm hand. I wanted to talk to Niki, but didn’t know about what. Mostly I wanted to go to a saloon and get very drunk. What I didn’t want was to go back to the farm and another few months of taking care of sheep.


	19. Chapter 19

Time dragged on and spring was still a long way away. I was so fed up with snow I felt like I would lose my mind if it didn’t go away soon. It was always cold. I fucked Victoria whenever I had the chance, which wasn’t often considering how crowded we were whenever the two families met. Sometimes I worried that Niki would find out and leave me, and other times I wished he would. On my worst days I felt certain that the only reason he was still in a relationship with me was that we were both stuck here. 

Something that made my life harder was that Niki and Marlene seemed to get on well. I saw them talking and laughing together, under the watchful eyes of her family. To my surprise, no one seemed to disapprove. They weren’t encouraged, but nobody made an effort to keep them apart. The way Marlene was looking at him was beyond obvious, but Niki was harder to read and I was too afraid to ask him how he felt. The idea of her marrying someone like him was absurd, but the more I thought about it the less absurd it seemed. In a way she would be marrying above her station, seeing as she was a farm girl and he came from a wealthy European family. He didn’t have access to any of their money now, but there was probably a big inheritance waiting for him in the future if his family lawyers could track him down. And he had money of his own, however illegally he had come across it.

I thought again about how things might have been if he’d been a girl. Would we be married already? Probably. Would my family approve? If he was a girl and I took him home to see them I was sure they would be happy. It was a nice daydream to entertain myself with while shoveling snow, but of course it would never happen. What with him not being a girl and all.

“Niki” I said one night when we were in bed.

It was late February, but there was no hint of spring yet and the snow still lay deep around the farm.

“What?” he asked and I could hear he was almost asleep.

“Would you marry me?”

He laughed softly.

“I can’t marry you” he said. “You’re a man.”

“But would you if you could?”

“What difference does it make? I can’t.”

I felt a wave of irritation. Couldn’t he give me just an inkling of romance? Anything to lighten my mood?

“I love you” I said.

“I know. I love you too, now go to sleep.”

“You’re not very romantic.”

“Never claimed to be.”

I wanted to say something more, but couldn’t think of what. I was hurt by his dismissive tone. He fell asleep, but I lay awake thinking how unfair life was and how much I’d rather be somewhere else. I longed back to when we had ridden together robbing banks, discovering our feelings for each other. It had been so exciting. Now everything was dull and depressing.

 

“You should do it” I said a few weeks later when we were on our way back from feeding the horses.

“What?”

“Marry her. She wants you to. Anyone could see that.”

He looked at me, puzzled, and stopped.

“What are you talking about?” he said.

I shrugged.

“You’d be happy with her” I said. “She’s smart and fun and sweet. You could have a normal life. Kids. And if farm life bores you, you could take her somewhere else.”

He looked at me without saying anything. The silence between us stretched out and I finally had to avert my eyes.

“Are you leaving me?” he asked.

“No… well, I don’t know.”

“Why?”

I hadn’t expected him to sound so hurt. I glanced at him. He was looking at me with his eyes full of pain and shock, and I felt my heart break. I wanted to take back what I had said, but I couldn’t. Part of me really did want to leave.

“It would be better for you” I said.

“Why? What did I do?”

“Nothing, I just want you to have a good life.”

“And what would you do? Leave? I’d never see you again?”

“Maybe that’s for the best?”

“After everything we’ve been through? You’d just leave? What, because you’re bored? You don’t think I am?? You fucking asshole!”

He looked at me and I was shocked to see his face full of hate. He had never looked at me with anything worse than annoyance before, and seeing this felt like a punch in the face.

“You might be right” he said, and I felt my insides freeze. “I should marry Marlene, it would be the smartest thing to do.”

I couldn’t breathe.

“But I don’t do that sort of thing” he said.

“What?”

“The smartest thing. I only do what I want. Haven’t you noticed?”

I laughed, but it sounded a little desperate.

“If you leave I’ll leave too. There’s no way I’m staying here without you. If you don’t want me, fine, but I don’t want her.”

“I just want what’s best for you.”

“Let me decide what’s best for me” he said, steel in his voice and eyes. “I want you, and I thought I had you.”

“You do” I said, struggling to keep my voice from breaking. “You do have me. I’m sorry.”

“Good. Don’t ever say these things again unless you really mean to go.”

I felt relieved, and strangely disappointed at the same time. It would have been a good life for him. I would have been happy knowing he had a good life.

“Actually…” he said. “Maybe I could marry her, and keep you as my butler? That would be perfect.”

I gaped at him. He smiled, but the smile looked cold and there was something in his eyes, he was still angry.

“Or my stable boy” he continued. “Maybe gardener… I have ambitions, you know… big house, lots of staff. You could be useful.”

I reached out my hand to smack him on the head, but he ducked.

“Wait!” he said. “I know! You could be my dog! That would really be perfect. You could fetch things for me and now and then I could scratch you behind the ears.”

I chased him around the yard, caught him and pushed him into the wet melting snow, making sure he got plenty of it inside his collar. We both laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe, but there was something else going on underneath. He was angry, and I… I didn’t even know what I felt. The fight turned more violent, wrestling in the snow with more force than necessary. He managed to get on top of me, and when I tried to wriggle free he hit me in the face. I couldn’t tell if it was on purpose or by mistake. I pushed him off and rolled away, but he managed to kick me in the ribs before I got out of reach. I got to my feet and lunged at him, thinking this is ridiculous, what are we doing? I was stronger and heavier, but he was faster and more aggressive, and got a few more punches in. Then we were laughing again, the playfulness creeping back in. When we got up and dusted ourselves off I saw Marlene watching us from the porch.

“Just checking the snow cover” I shouted to her. “It’s melting just fine.”

I took a handful of wet snow and pushed it into Niki’s face. He reacted instantly, hooked his foot around my ankle and pushed me face down into the snow, holding me down until I was struggling to get enough air. Then he let me up.

“I can see you’re doing a fantastic job” Marlene said. “I’m very impressed.”

Emerson walked by on his way from the barn.

“Boys” he said and shook his head with a smile. “If you have that much energy, you’re not working hard enough. Why don’t you go muck out the barn?”

“Now see what you did” Niki said, waited until I’d just gotten back on my feet before pushing me over again. He was surprisingly strong for such a small guy.

I got to my feet again, careful to stay out of his reach. When he turned his back at me to walk to the barn I threw a snowball at his neck.

 

Spring did come eventually. There were signs if you knew what to look for. The chickens started laying eggs again, which we all enjoyed for breakfast, and the pregnant sheep got rounder by the day. The days got longer and the birds started singing. The snow remained, but instead of cold and dry it was now wet and heavy, making your boots and the legs of your pants wet whenever you went outside. We spent a lot of time rubbing grease into our boots to make them last longer, and the women knitted socks to keep our wet feet warm.

We soon learned that lambing season was a big deal. The whole family prepared for it, and we had plenty of work preparing the barn for the new arrivals. Mario started to sleep in the barn to be ready to help whenever it started, and one night he knocked on our door.

“Nick! Jim! Wake up and come down. You’ll want to see this.”

He didn’t sound worried or stressed, but we quickly pulled our clothes on and climbed down the ladder. The barn was dark except for one of the lambing boxes, where Mario had hung his lamp up on a hook on the wall. He was standing by the fence looking at one of the ewes lying on her side on a thick layer of hay. She was as wide as she was tall, and looked intensely uncomfortable and very focused.

“How is she?” I asked and leaned against the fence next to him, with Niki on my other side rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

“She’s fine” Mario said. “Almost done now.”

We craned our necks to see, but only saw hay and wool in the dim light. Then all of a sudden a lamb slid out into the hay, followed by a lot of blood and slime. It looked more like slaughter than I had imagined birth to be like. The lamb was wet and unbelievably tiny, with a big head, a small body, and long skinny legs with big clumsy feet. We watched as it wriggled feebly in the hay while its mother licked it clean.

“Pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Mario said, his voice hushed.

I nodded, a lump in my throat.

“I’ve never seen anything born before” I whispered.

The tiny lamb struggling to get up on its pathetic little legs filled me with a sense of awe as if I was watching something sacred. I looked at Niki, and he looked back at me and smiled. He had tears in his eyes, which just made my feelings of rapture even stronger. We smiled at each other for a moment, and I felt closer to him than I had in months.

Three other ewes gave birth that night. Neither of them needed any help, but we stayed with Mario anyway, watching one miracle after the other. When they were all finished the first lamb had dried and was walking clumsily around its little enclosure. Mario picked it up and put it in my arms. It bleated and tried to lick my face, and I laughed. It was so small and the wool was so fluffy and soft. I hugged it as hard as I dared and felt how some of the frustration and anxiety of the last few months went out of me. It smelled of wool and hay and baby. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and handed it to Niki.

He took it and held it tenderly in his arms, a strange smile on his face. Mario went off to check on another ewe, and left us with the lamb. Its mother stood next to us, watching us but didn’t seem alarmed that we had her baby. I looked at Niki, who was stroking the lamb’s head and talking to it in a voice too soft for me to make out the words. I opened my mouth to tease him about being a big softie, but then thought better of it and pretended I hadn’t seen. If he was a big softie, then so was I.

The next few weeks were busy. We all took turns to keep watch in the barn through the nights, even Dee Ann and Marlene. Two of the ewes died, and we had to take care of their lambs until we could manage to get one of the other ewes to adopt them. We were excused from some of our daytime work so we could rest during the days, but spring was coming fast now and it was pure joy to be outside in the bright sunshine and watch the new lambs bounce around the pasture full of new grass. The lambing seemed to bring the family even closer together, and us with it. Everyone took turns helping in the barn, and stopped in regularly to look at the new arrivals. Now and then a lamb died shortly after birth, which spread a sad, solemn mood through the whole farm. Then another successful birth happened, and the mood lightened again. It was impossible to feel sad with a healthy newborn lamb in front of you.

“This isn’t too bad” Niki said one night when we were keeping watch in the barn.

Most of the lambing was done, but there were a few pregnant ewes left. It was really Niki’s watch tonight, but I couldn’t sleep and had come down to keep him company.  I liked sitting with him in the hay in the dim light, talking or dozing. It felt a lot like when we had been on the road together, camping out in the wild. Except that this was even better because here we were warm and dry and safe.

“I never knew being a sheep midwife could be so satisfying” I said.

He laughed.

“Still, I’ve had it up to here with farming” he said. “I’ll be happy if I never see a pitchfork or smell sheep dung again in my life.”

I laughed too.

“It’s time to leave, isn’t it?” I said.

“Yes. The pass should be open now, the snow is nearly gone. But it’s dangerous to travel in the spring. The rivers will be flooding.”

“Do you want to wait?” I asked and pulled my fingers through his hair.

He leaned his head against my shoulder.

“God no” he said. “We have to go before we both lose our minds.”

“It’s been a tough winter” I said.

“Yeah. But now we know. Farms are great for hiding, but don’t really suit us. Not enough adventure.”

I laughed and pulled my fingers through his hair.

“We’ll talk to Emerson tomorrow” I said. “Check with him if there’s anything he wants us to do before we leave. We owe him that.”

“Okay.”

We sat in silence for a while.

“If you want to sleep I can keep watch” I said.

“I’m fine.”

 

We talked to Emerson the next day. He was disappointed that we were leaving, but told us that if we helped him build a new pasture before we left he would appreciate it.

“Of course” I said. “We’re grateful for everything you’ve done for us.”

“We’ll be sad to see you go” he said. “All of us, but Marlene especially.”

He looked at Niki, who looked back but didn’t say anything.

I went outside to start with the new fence, but ran into Marlene later in the barn.

“When are you leaving?” she asked.

“As soon as the new pasture is done” I said.

I looked at her to see if she seemed sad, but I couldn’t tell.

“Have you talked to Nick?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“What’s to talk about?” she said. “For a while I hoped that he might marry me, but it could never happen, could it?”

“Well…”

“Because you love each other.”

I stared at her. She looked calmly back at me.

“We’re just good friends…” I said.

She laughed.

“Please” she said. “I have eyes to see with. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thanks.”

“I hope I find someone like that. I really like Nick, and if he looked at me the way he looks at you I would be very happy.”

I didn’t know what to say. She gave me a sad smile and left. I remained standing, thinking about what she said. I couldn’t feel sorry for her, I was too happy that we were leaving.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slow updates, lots going on IRL right now. I promise I'm writing as quickly as I can! :)

I felt elated when we finally left the farm. Everyone seemed so sad while we said goodbye, and I tried to play along, but all I felt was a wonderful sense of freedom and excitement. It filled me up and made me feel weightless.

We finally said all our goodbyes – and accepted a few additional food packages from a crying Marlene – and got our horses moving. They were fat and slow after the long winter, and flicked their ears and tails in irritation at having to carry heavy burdens again. Niki and I on the other hand were both lean and strong after having done more physical labor in one winter than we’d previously done in our whole lives.

We followed the road, and the farm disappeared behind us. The whole morning we rode in a kind of quiet bliss, now and then smiling at each other, sometimes even laughing without knowing why. It almost felt unreal that we were finally on our way.

We stopped for lunch and then rode on, hardly speaking because we both knew what the other was feeling. There was no need for talking, and I even appreciated the silence of the mountain road after having shared a house with five other people for so long.

But when we went to bed that night the first euphoria had passed, and I lay awake thinking about how the winter had been. It felt like we were different people now from who we were when we got to the farm, even though it was less than six months ago. I remembered with a mix of pain and a strange sense of nostalgia how I had brought Niki to the farm, suspecting, but not wanting to acknowledge, that he was dying.

I looked at him now, sleeping with his head on my arm, and there was a distance between us that I didn’t know where it had come from or how we could overcome it. It had started growing some time during the winter. I hoped it would disappear now that we were on the road again; that it was only the boredom of the farm that affected us. I pulled him a little closer without waking him, put my nose in his hair and went to sleep.

 

When we came to the first town on our journey it felt like arriving in heaven. Spring had come further here than up in the mountains, and it was almost summer. But it didn’t matter to me what season it was, I was so happy to see people and civilization again. Everything seemed wonderful to me. I admired the buildings, looked curiously at the shops and smiled at the people. It wasn’t until now that I finally realized how low I’d been all winter. I promised myself I must never get that isolated again.

“Niki, look” I said and pointed at the Wanted posters on the wall of the general store.

He looked, and a smile spread over his face. There were several posters, but none with our names on them. The marshals weren’t looking this far. Niki looked at me and we smiled at each other. But as we rode further into town he seemed increasingly uncomfortable and self-conscious. Even in my state of bliss I could see how people stared at him. Some even pointed and talked behind his back.

We reached the town’s only hotel and rented a room. It was nearly full, so we weren’t allowed a room each but would still have to pay as if we were. The manager stared openly at Niki’s burned ear, seemingly fascinated like a child with a colorful toy. Niki made an irritated face and pulled his hat further down in his forehead.

“How’s it going?” I asked when we went to drop off our luggage in our room.

“Fine” he said.

“Is it hard when people stare at you?”

He shrugged. I thought it was meant to seem nonchalant, but looked like a “yes” to me.

“Let them stare” he said. “This is how I look now. I can’t do anything about it.”

The Fittipaldis and their neighbors had gotten so used to seeing his scars they didn’t notice them anymore, but new people would always see them for the first time and wonder what had happened. I realized he would have to put up with it for the rest of his life, and felt a wave of sympathy. I also realized I had actually learned to like his new face. He’d had a boyish look before, an innocent kind of face that concealed his strong personality. Now he looked as tough as he was, and the scars were an impressive reminder of how he had survived against all odds.

I kissed him.

“Come on” I said. “Let’s get something to eat and then get really drunk.”

He smiled.

“Good plan” he said.

 

“Cheers to freedom, and new beginnings, and no more farming” I said and raised my glass.

I could hardly get the words out, I was so drunk. Niki laughed and raised his glass. He’d turned out to be a very happy drunk. When we had first come into the saloon he had been tense and uncomfortable, stayed close to me and glared sullenly at everyone who looked in his direction. But the more he filled up with whiskey the more relaxed and happy he became. Finally he didn’t even get annoyed when people came up and asked what had happened to his face, and started to make up stories to answer them.

“I don’t know, I just woke up one morning and looked like this. Maybe it’s contagious.”

“What do you mean happened? Did something happen? What’s wrong with my face?”

“I had to listen to too many stupid questions, and my ear fell off.”

He managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds, and then exploded with laughter. I did too. He had me laughing until my stomach hurt. Now he was grinning happily at everything, and his cheeks were flushed. And he hadn’t even had that much to drink.

“You’re such a lightweight” I said. “I could drink you under the table in a heartbeat.”

He acted like he hadn’t heard me.

“Let’s get a girl” he said. “Do you want a girl? We can share one. I haven’t had a girl in ages, just your big hairy ass.”

I stared at him in shock, and then burst out laughing.

“Yes” I said when I had collected myself somewhat. “That’s a fantastic idea. If you think you can get it up?”

He made an insulted sound.

“I can if you can” he said.

I laughed again.

We got ourselves a girl. It wasn’t a big brothel, since it wasn’t a big town, but I asked specifically for one who would take on two guys at once, and hinted that perhaps the two guys might do each other as well.  The owner didn’t even blink, just said certainly sir and went to get the girl.

She was dark and pump with a lovely smile, and said her name was Hannah. She was a true professional. As soon as the door to her room closed behind us she turned to Niki.

“Anything I need to know about this?” she asked and gently touched his scarred cheek. “Any pain? You like being touched there or you don’t?”

“It’s fine” he said happily.” Doesn’t matter.”

“As long as you didn’t hurt your prick” she said with a smile and moved her hand to his crotch.

“I didn’t” he said and smiled so big it looked like his teeth might fall out.

It was fantastic. The alcohol had removed any inhibitions Niki might have had, and I had none to begin with. Hannah showed us how to do a really good blow job, and urged us on while we practiced on each other. When we weren’t moaning with pleasure we were falling over laughing. Then she let us take turns fucking her. When we were both completely spent we paid her handsomely and returned to the saloon to celebrate with another bottle of whiskey.

 

When I woke up the next morning (or rather afternoon) Niki was still asleep next to me. He stank of whiskey, a sour stale smell, and undoubtedly so did I. I got up, careful to not upset my already aching head and stomach too much, and opened the window. I tried to remember what we had done last night. The girl. I smiled to myself and tried to remember her name. I wanted to put what she had taught us to good use, as soon as I felt better. After we left the brothel my memory got a bit hazy, but I had an image in my mind of Niki passed out on a sofa somewhere. I wondered how we had both gotten back to our room.

I put my clothes on but didn’t bother to shave, took our travel cups and bowls and went out in search of breakfast. I found a food cart on the street that sold greasy pancakes and hot coffee. Perfect.

Niki was still asleep when I came back. I put the food on the table and looked out the window while sipping my coffee. Despite the hangover I felt happy. We were in a town again and our future looked bright. I thought about how it would be to start our own business and make a home for ourselves. That part about a home made me feel warm and excited. I hadn’t had a real home since I left England, and that had been my parents’ home. This would be just mine and Niki’s. It felt strange but exciting to think about.

I walked over to the bed and looked at him. He was unshaven, his hair a mess, his scars were showing clearly in the bright afternoon light, and he had drooled on the pillow, but I still wanted him. It didn’t matter how he looked, and I didn’t care if he saw me in a similar state, and realizing that was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. With him there was no need to pretend, or put up a false front. I wanted to wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life, and there was no reason why I wouldn’t. I wondered if he’d ever seriously considered staying with Marlene. I decided not to think about it, and shook his shoulder.

“Wake up ratty!” I yelled. “Breakfast is served.”

He opened his eyes, and they filled with pain as he registered his hangover. I laughed.

“Good morning sunshine.”

“I hate you” he mumbled.

“Me? I don’t remember pouring all that whiskey down your throat. You did that just fine on your own.”

“Fine. I hate myself.”

“Have some coffee and pancakes” I said. “You’ll feel better.”

“I’d rather throw up” he said.

“Go ahead, but don’t take too long or I might eat your pancakes too.”

I sat down at the table. He stayed in bed a few minutes longer, then dragged himself up, wrapped the blanket around himself and joined me.

After breakfast we went back to bed. I took my clothes off again, and we lay naked next to each other and enjoyed not having to get up and do farm work. I kissed him, and he kissed me back, letting his hand run over my chest. I pulled my fingers through his hair, let my hand wander over his face and then down to his neck and chest, enjoying all the different sensations. Uneven scar tissue, raspy stubble, and then smooth soft skin. I loved all the different ways he felt like under my hands.

“I love you so much” I breathed and kissed him again. “I don’t want to be anywhere else than right here with you right now.”

He kissed me back and his hand reached my crotch.

“Good thing you didn’t leave me then” he said and there was something hard in his eyes.

I opened my mouth to say something, I didn’t know what, but he put his hand around my dick and started to move it back and forth, and only a moan came out.

“I’ll never leave you” I said after a few seconds when I got my voice back.

“Don’t promise something you can’t keep” he said.

I wanted to ask what he meant, but he made sure I couldn’t form any complex thoughts. I wondered if that was his intention. Throw my mistakes in my face and not let me defend myself. It suddenly struck me that he might have known all along that I’d been fucking Victoria, and I felt myself go cold. I looked into his eyes, and he looked back. There was a strange expression in them but I couldn’t read him, and what he was doing with his hand was so distracting. I let all my confused thoughts go and threw myself into the pleasure.

 

We stayed in town a few more days, blowing off our steam after the long winter of isolation. We went to the saloon, Niki played poker while I sampled the local social life, and then we got drunk and headed for the brothel. In the mornings we stayed in bed for a long time, enjoying the absence of farm work. But this wasn’t the right town for us, we knew that right away. And after a few days we packed our things again, saddled our horses and left to find someplace to settle down. When we rode out of town I felt elated again, hopeful. Somewhere out there our home was waiting for us. We hadn’t talked any more about our relationship, but when we set out for some place to start our business venture I promised myself I would make it work. No more sleeping around, unless I got Niki’s permission. What we had was too good to fuck up.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slow updates, lots going on IRL right now. I promise I'm writing as quickly as I can! :)

We stopped at a roadside inn and a cattle camp on the way, and were told by passing prospectors that Pine Grove was the place to be. It was a small town just a few days ride away, and apparently someone had found gold there. Everyone we talked to was convinced it would be a boom town.

We decided to check it out, but when we got there we saw neither boom nor much of a town. Just mud. Mud and miners. And it was raining. We looked at each other.

“What a shithole” I said, rain dripping from my hat into my lap.

My wet jeans were clinging to my legs. I watched a man cross Main Street with mud up to his ankles. Niki nodded.

“Probably a perfect market” he said.

“Yeah. But do you want to live here?”

“It will grow” he said, but he didn’t sound convinced.

“It smells” I said.

It did. Like towns do when the population has grown rapidly and organizational details like waste management haven’t caught up. It stank of piss and garbage.

“Yeah” Niki said in a tired voice.

We sat on our horses for a while, just watching the muddy street with its dirty tents and haphazard buildings while the rain poured over us. We quickly reached the stage where we were so wet we couldn’t possibly get any wetter, so there was no need to hurry out of the rain.

“Well” Niki said at last. “We’re here. Let’s have a look around.”

“Sure.”

We rode into town and tried to find a stable, but there wasn’t one. We asked around for a hotel, and were shown a building that looked like it would fall down if you made any sudden movements. It had a stable in the back, but it was so full we would have to put our horses in the corral outside. I felt sorry for our poor animals when we left them there, but there was nowhere else to put them.

The hotel itself wasn’t much better. The rooms were small and dirty, and we could hear our neighbors a little too well.

“Remember that cattle camp where we met Ronnie?” I said.

“Yeah” Niki said while looking around the little room with a look of disgust on his face, careful not to touch anything.

“This place is even worse.”

“Yeah. How do people stand this?”

I shrugged.

“Money” I said. “Same reason why we’re here.”

He made a disgusted face that might have been meant to include us.

We went out to eat, but the food was about as exciting as the rest of town.

“I could cook better than this myself” Niki said and pushed his plate away. “With a blindfold and no ingredients.”

“You know if you keep making that disgusted face you’ll get stuck like that.”

He looked blankly at me, and then gave me the finger. I laughed.

“That’s what my mother used to say” I said.

“This place really needs a restaurant.”

We gave up and went to the saloon, but it was so crowded and noisy Niki left after only a little while. I stayed, had a few drinks and talked to some people. Everyone insisted Pine Grove was indeed about to boom, but I didn’t feel convinced. I couldn’t seem to find anyone who had actually found gold and not just heard about it. I got bored after a while and returned to the hotel. When I walked up the stairs to our room I almost tripped over a big rat running out in front of me.

The next day the downpour had stopped, and we went for a walk around town to see what it might offer. As with many gold towns it consisted of a mix of tents and hastily built wooden structures and looked rushed and unplanned. People were sleeping or hanging around everywhere; in the narrow alleys, in the middle of the street, in door openings. I carefully stepped over a man who was lying in the street next to a puddle of vomit, and wondered if he was dead or just sleeping. The more we saw the less excited I felt about starting a business, here or anywhere. I didn’t want to keep robbing banks, but I certainly didn’t want to go legit if it meant living here.

“This place is awful” I said after we got back to our hotel that night.

We had been on our feet all day, looking for suitable plots of land, searching for a carpenter to build for us, investigating supply lines, and had gotten exactly nowhere. The land office was swarmed with prospectors looking to claim a plot for mining, and when we asked around for a carpenter people laughed in our faces.

“I know” Niki said, looking as downhearted as I felt.

We sat on the bed in our dirty little room, listening to a couple having loud sex on one side and another having an even louder argument on the other. It would have been funny if it hadn’t smelled so bad. I took a swig from the bottle of whiskey I had brought back from the saloon, and passed it to Niki.

“How much did you pay for this?” he asked and drank from it. “I’ve never seen anything as overpriced as that saloon.”

“I didn’t, I stole it” I confessed and took the bottle back from him.

He looked at me, with such a surprised look on his face it made me burst out laughing.

“We’ve robbed banks together, why is it so astonishing that I stole a bottle of booze?”

“It just never crossed my mind” he said sheepishly and grinned.

I took another swig.

“Let’s get out of here” I said.

“And go where?”

“I don’t know. Anywhere. This place is horrible, and everything here is going to be a struggle. They don’t have anything, we’ll have to build everything from scratch.”

“What, just because it might get hard, you want to run away?”

I sighed.

“There’s hard, and then there’s too hard” I said. “It’s not worth it.”

“We’ll have no competition here.”

“No, because no one else is stupid enough to set up shop here.”

“How do you think all the other towns started? It will grow, more people will come, more shops and businesses….”

“It might. Or it turns out there’s no gold here, and it will be a ghost town.”

He looked annoyed.

“Let’s just find a slightly bigger town” I said. “We can stand a little competition. It will be fun! We can take over someone else’s supply line, instead of creating our own. Buy a building instead of building it ourselves. We’ll be in business a lot faster, instead of wasting our time here getting nowhere.”

I looked at him and saw that I had hit home. Niki’s soft spot was time. His impatience was his weakness. On the outside he could seem patient enough, but I knew better after almost a year with him. It drove him crazy to feel like he wasted time or did something that lead him nowhere, which was probably why he had suffered through one single train robbery before stealing me from Clay and setting off on something that seemed more lucrative.

“Maybe…” he said, reluctant to admit I was right.

“You’ve thought of this too, haven’t you?” I said. “You like a comfortable life as much as I do. How long will it take before we even have our own place to sleep? We’ll have to stay here for months.”

I made a gesture to include both the stinking room and the noisy neighbors.

“Seriously” I said. “The rats in this place are bigger than you are.”

He laughed, and I knew I had him.

“Okay” he said. “We move on.”

 

I felt relieved when we left Pine Grove, but also somehow irritated and restless. What if Niki was right, and the little shithole of a town was about to boom? In that case we were turning our backs on a fantastic chance at creating both a good home and a thriving business. Why couldn’t I just have some patience? I wanted to settle down somewhere, but at the same time I itched to get going.

Now we were on the road again, and I was sick of it. Sick of dirt and dust, sick of dirty beds and sleeping on hard ground in the wilderness, sick of snakes and insect bites and unpredictable weather and the constant view of my horse’s dull brown ears. I wanted something to happen. I thought about the money in our saddle bags, and even more in the bank, and how we couldn’t spend it on anything fun because there was only so much we could carry with us. We bought food, and new clothes when the old ones wore out. That was it. I desperately wanted a house that I could fill with things that were just mine, but I didn’t know where I wanted that house to be. The world was too big.

I looked at my horse’s ears again and decided that if we ever came through a town big enough to host a horse market I would at least buy myself a new horse. The prettiest and most expensive one I could find, to make up for all the fun and beautiful things I couldn’t have.

I turned my head and looked at Niki, who was dozing in his saddle. He was the only fixed point in my life, and thinking about that calmed me a little. What was I complaining about? I had the love of my life by my side, and we were going to make a life together. I just had to have some patience.

His eyes were closed, and I wondered if he was relaxed enough so I could push him off his horse before he had time to react. A quick, hard shove on the shoulder would do the trick. I reached out to try it, but he opened his eyes before I had time to touch him.

“What?” he asked when he caught me looking at him.

“Nothing” I said, trying – but failing – to suppress a smile.

He frowned.

“You’re always laughing at me” he muttered.

“That’s because you’re so funny” I said.

He smiled reluctantly.

“Tell me something” I said. “I’m bored.”

“Who isn’t? Tell you what?”

“Anything. What did you do when you first got to America?”

“Starved” he said with a grin.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’d spent all of my own money on the ticket, and my family cut me off when they heard I was going to America, so I was broke by the time I arrived.”

“Nice family.”

He shrugged.

“I understand them” he said. “They didn’t want me to go, they wanted me to stay and take over my father’s business.”

“They still sound like assholes.”

He smiled.

“Anyway” he said. “I didn’t know anyone here, and I couldn’t find a job. I could barely speak English, and even the German community had no use for a spoiled boy with no knowledge of anything. It was tough for a while.”

“So how did you survive?”

“I had a nice suit with me, put it on, went into a bank and waved my family connections around. Our name is quite big in the financial world, big enough to be recognized even over here. I took out a loan to open a shop, but then I ran into another German guy who was planning a scam. I invested in him instead, and it paid back more than I could have dreamed of.”

I grinned, and nodded at him to continue.

“I paid back my bank loan, got the other guy drunk and took his money too. Then I sort of had to leave town…”

I laughed.

“That was… impulsive” I said. “And kind of mean…”

Niki shrugged.

“He was an idiot” he said as if that explained everything. “Besides, once I’d started stealing money it was surprisingly easy to continue. I’ve never felt anything as satisfying as when I left with all that money. And it was _fun_ to come by. Not like normal work.”

“Yeah, I know. Then what?”

“I wanted to see the Wild West, so I bought a horse and took off. I didn’t want to work on a farm or go looking for gold, so I just drifted for a while. Then I learned that I was good at cards, and made a living on that for a while before falling in with a gang that robbed coaches. They knew Clay, so when they decided to break up the gang I went with him instead.”

“So that’s how he found you” I said.

He nodded.

“How about you?” he asked. “How did you get here?”

He made a gesture to include the hot dusty landscape we were riding through. It struck me how beautiful it was, and I felt a wave of happiness and gratitude wash through me. Suddenly I was completely satisfied with being right here right now.

“I arrived with a group of friends” I said. “We partied pretty hard from the moment we got off the boat. Well, on the journey over as well… Then we ran out of money and decided to join the army.”

“The army?” he said and looked at me as if I had said I was going to the Moon.

“Yeah. Some of the other guys had family to provide for them, but there were two of us who had nothing. We went to West Point and trained as officers. I thought of becoming a field surgeon at first, but I was really more interested in the glory of battle.”

“Really?” Niki asked, as if he still couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah. But then I got kicked out. Dishonorably discharged they called it.”

“You got kicked out of the army? What the hell did you do?”

I grinned.

“I slept with my commanding officer’s wife. Turned out to be a bad move, career wise.”

He stared at me.

“Are you making this up?” he asked.

“No! No, I wish I was, but I really am that stupid. You should have seen her, though. She was worth it.”

“I can’t believe you got fired from the army. That is so _wrong_.”

“I don’t think your moral compass is much to go by” I said. “You paid back your bank loan and then stole from your friend?”

“At least I didn’t get kicked out of the army!”

“Why is that so upsetting?”

“It’s the army!”

“So?”

He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe how stupid I was.

“What did you do then?” he asked.

“Drank and fucked, mostly. Did some odd jobs, thought of becoming a doctor again but then met Clay and stayed with him for a few years. Then I ran off with a German rat.”

He smiled.

“Yeah” he said. “I stole a handsome Englishman, but didn’t think I would fall in love.”

“You didn’t?”

He looked at me.

“Did you?” he asked.

“I was in love with you from that night I rescued you from the poker fight. Remember? It just took me a while to understand.”

He nodded and seemed lost in thought for a few moments. Then he looked at me, from my head to my feet and back again.

“You must have looked good in a uniform” he said.

I scoffed.

“Of course I did!”


	22. Chapter 22

_Welcome to Trinity_ a big wooden sign declared when we entered the next bigger town. I felt hopeful. It was much bigger than Pine Grove, and better established, but still had that new, improvised feeling of the gold fields. It lay next to a river which meant it had trade and transportation as additional income in case the gold ran out.

We rode through town and discovered that it had several hotels, two saloons and a livery, among other things.

“I have a good feeling about this place” I said.

We followed our usual routine and checked into one of the hotels. We only got one room these days; neither of us could stand the waste of renting two rooms when we only used one. If anyone asked, and no one ever did, we would just say we couldn’t afford two rooms. It wasn’t that unusual.

After we had taken our luggage to the room we dropped our horses off at the stable and walked down Main Street. The street was busy and noisy, and I felt my spirits rise even further. Sometimes I longed to go to a real city again, but there was something about small town life I really liked. As long as it wasn’t too small. We stopped and looked at the Wanted posters outside the sheriff’s station, relieved to see there weren’t any with our names on them.

“Do you think they’ve given up?” I asked.

“After what we did? Or, rather, _I_ did?” Niki said. “I don’t think so. But I guess they don’t have the resources to look this far.”

“Too bad for them” I said cheerfully.

He looked at me and grinned.

“Yeah” he said.

We went to get something to eat before landing in one of the saloons for the evening. The saloons were more than just fun and drinks, they were the main sources of news and gossip.

The gossip of the day was the railroad. Rumor had it that the railroad was coming to town, and it was a big deal. Everyone had an opinion – for or against. We’d heard mention of it in other towns we’d been to, but never as feverishly urgent as here. I spent some time talking to a group of prospectors who were planning to give up the search for gold and seek employment with the railway company instead.

“What do you think?” I asked Niki a bit later when he had finished a game of poker and we were standing at the bar.

He was looking at something at the other end of the room, and didn’t answer. I tried to see what he was looking at, but couldn’t discover anything out of the ordinary. I elbowed him, and he looked at me.

“What?”

“What do you think?” I repeated. “When the railroad gets here it will bring more people to town. It will be good for business.”

“Yeah” he said, clearly not listening.

“Let me just go talk to this wall over here” I said. “It will pay more attention than you are.”

“Okay.”

I looked at him. He was still looking at something, or someone, at the other end of the room, and I felt a hint of fear. Had he spotted one of the marshals? Finally he turned to me.

“That guy over there” he said. “Black hair, white hat, red cravat, talking to one of the girls. It’s Ayrton.”

“Who’s Ayrton?”

“The guy who helped me get you out of prison.”

I looked at the man standing by the stairs. I tried to remember that night after Niki had gotten me out of prison and we had stopped to pay his assistant, but I couldn’t remember his face. By the time he showed up I had discovered that Niki was hurt and had other things on my mind.

I felt a pang of jealousy as I studied Ayrton’s curly black hair and big dark eyes. He was beautiful. To think that he had spent days or even weeks alone with Niki while I was locked up in jail having my little chats with Bernie Ecclestone…

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, of course.”

“Well, why don’t you go say hello?”

“I don’t know if I want to.”

“Why not? Didn’t you get along?”

“Sure, but what do we need him for?”

I rolled my eyes.

“He might be an asset, you never know. Besides, it’s common fucking decency to say hello to someone you know. Especially if you blew up a town together.”

Niki smiled, but absent-mindedly touched his burned ear. I wondered if he was embarrassed about it.

“It’s not like we did it for fun” he mumbled.  “Okay, come on.”

He walked across the room. I followed him, curious to see how this would work out. Ayrton looked up when we approached, with a wary look on his face. He didn’t seem to recognize us at first, but then his eyes widened and fixed on Niki’s face. A look of astonishment mixed with pity filled his eyes. I winced internally on Niki’s behalf and understood perfectly well why he had been reluctant to make contact.

“Jesus Christ, Niki?” Ayrton said.

He studied the scars openly, and even reached out a hand to touch Niki’s cheek. Niki pulled away, and Ayrton got his curiosity in check with a guilty look on his face.

“Is this from when we laid those charges to get your friend from the marshals?” he asked, and glanced at me.

I raised my hand in greeting.

“That would be me. Hello” I said.

“Ayrton, this is James Hunt” Niki said. “James, this is Ayrton Senna.”

We shook hands before Ayrton turned to Niki again, clearly unable to keep his eyes off the scars. I could tell how Niki hated the look of sad pity in the other man’s eyes.

“I’m sorry” Ayrton said. “If I had known it was that bad, I wouldn’t have left.”

“You didn’t know” Niki said dismissively.

“How did you survive? That looks… I’ve never seen burns like that. It must have hurt like hell!”

“It wasn’t that bad” Niki said, and I wondered why he was lying.

Ayrton shrugged but didn’t seem convinced.

“We had some accidents when I was working on building sites” he said. “Burn victims rarely survived.”

Niki clenched his teeth and I decided to change the subject before things got out of hand.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you again, and under more favorable circumstances” I said. “What brings you here? Are you working for the railroad?”

He gave me a quick look, looked at Niki and then back at me, and I felt certain he was hiding something. It triggered a sense of excitement in my stomach; that wonderful feeling of opportunity.

“I might” he said “Haven’t decided yet. I’m freelancing these days.”

I grinned.

“Like blowing up towns to get small-time crooks out of jail?”

I expected him to laugh, but he looked completely serious.

“You’re not small-time” he said. “You guys are famous. The Gentleman Robbers who fooled the US marshals and disappeared? You’re living legends.”

I scoffed. Niki rolled his eyes.

“Stupid” he said.

 

We stayed for a while, chatted with Ayrton and had some drinks. When we left to go back to the hotel I felt excited and happy. I knew it was silly, but I loved what Ayrton had told us about being famous. I had never aspired to fame, only tried to make a living in a way that wasn’t as horribly boring as most lines of work, but if other people respected me for it… what was the harm in that?

“I wonder what he’s up to” I said. “Something illegal, I could swear it.”

It was a beautiful night. Pleasantly warm and with a clear starry sky.

“Who, Ayrton?” Niki said.

“Yeah. He’s here for a reason.”

“Don’t forget that we’re here to open a business. Go legit.”

“I won’t. But aren’t you curious?”

“No.”

I didn’t believe him. We walked up the stairs to our room. As soon as we closed the door behind us I pushed him against the wall, hard enough to knock his hat off, and kissed him. He kissed back, hard and eager, and I could taste the whiskey on his breath.

 

We were meant to start looking for a suitable building for our restaurant, but somehow we couldn’t seem to get started. We hung out at the saloon, sat outside the hotel looking at people, went for rides in the surrounding wilderness and settler camps, and anything else that might pass the time. I found that the more I thought about opening a restaurant, the less interested I felt. What had seemed like a great idea when we were running from the marshals, with Niki’s near death experience in fresh memory, now seemed mostly… dull. I had a hard time seeing myself as a business man, or at least that sort of businessman. The way Niki dragged his feet rather than urge us on suggested he might feel something similar.

We did manage to find a place to live. About a week after we got to town I started talking to a man at the saloon who told me his neighbor, Mr Moss, had a spare apartment and were looking for tenants. He had been saving it for his nephew to come looking for gold, but the nephew had gone to Klondike instead. We went to have a look at it; the top floor of a house on the edge of town, and signed a contract with Mr Moss right away. We would move in the next day, and went back to our hotel feeling excited and happy.

When we got to the hotel there was a message waiting for us.

_Gentlemen, I would like to speak to you about a business proposal. Please meet me at my office above the hardware store at seven o’clock tonight. Your friend, Ayrton Senna._

We looked at each other, but waited until we were in our room until we said anything.

“What do you think it’s about?” I said and read the note again.

Niki shrugged.

“Either he wants us to do something illegal with him, or it’s a trap.”

“A trap?”

“He knows we’re hunted by the marshals, and that there’s a price on our heads. And after what he said about us being famous…”

“What? You think he would turn us in?”

“James, stop thinking with your prick” Niki said in an irritated voice. “Just because he’s pretty it doesn’t mean he can be trusted.”

I smiled, feeling embarrassed, but also amused that I wasn’t the only one who thought Ayrton was pretty.

“I only think with my prick when you’re around” I said, put my arms around his neck and kissed him.

 “Of course” he grinned with more than a hint of sarcasm, but he kissed me back.

“So what do we do? About tonight?”

We sat down on the bed.

“Change the location” Niki said. “We send a message back with another time and place. It will give us the upper hand. If he doesn’t come, we know it was a trap.”

I looked at him, impressed and slightly frightened by how cold and calculating he could be. I suddenly realized that our dream of a restaurant, or any other legal business, would never come true. We would both be under stimulated, each in our own way. We needed this: the planning, the suspense, assessing the risk, the excitement, high stakes and easy money. We had been criminals for too long, and I was pretty sure Niki knew it too. I met his eyes, and we both smiled.

“Let me get a card and a pen” I said.

We wrote a message to Ayrton claiming it would be more convenient to meet at our hotel at eight o’clock, sent a messenger with the card, and booked a room at the hotel for our “business meeting.” When the time was near we waited in nervous anticipation for Ayrton to show up. He did, on time, with another gentleman in tow – a blond Englishman a little older than we were. Niki and I got to our feet when they entered the room.

“This is my partner, Ron Dennis” Ayrton said and we shook hands. “Ron, let me introduce Niki Lauda and James Hunt.”

“Nice to meet you” Ron said. “Your reputations precede you.”

He treated us with the utmost respect, looking at us as if he couldn’t believe we were actually in the room with him.

“Ayrton told me about how he helped you bust James out of prison” he said to Niki when the introductions were over and we had all sat down around the little table. “And how you went underground over the winter to escape the marshals.”

“That’s right” Niki said.

Ron looked at him, trying to hide the fact that he was looking at the scars. I poured glasses of whiskey for everyone.

“Did you know that the marshals have stopped looking for you? They think you’re dead” Ron said.

Niki and I looked at each other. That was good news indeed. Ron and Ayrton seemed amused.

“No one else does, though” Ron said. “You’re legends.”

“Ayrton told us” I said.

Niki glared suspiciously at Ron. I kicked him under the table, which only made him look annoyed _and_ suspicious.

“Everywhere I go I hear stories about how Niki Lauda and James Hunt fooled the marshals, blasted themselves out of prison and disappeared with a fortune in stolen money.”

I grinned happily. Niki continued to look suspicious, but also a little bit flattered.

“I’d love to know how you did it” Ron said. “All of it. The bank robberies, how you got away, where you’ve been all winter, how you survived that…”

He pointed at Niki’s face.

“And what your plans are for the future” Ayrton added.

Niki and I looked at each other. Mixed with the suspicion in his eyes was curiosity and excitement.

“We might tell you” I said. “Depending on what’s in it for us.”

“Of course” Ron said and smiled. “We’d like to include you in a little business venture.”

“Oh, stop beating around the bush” Niki said. “What exactly is it you want from us?”

Ron looked at him with surprise and then admiration that made me want to laugh.

“We’re going to con the railroad company” he said.

Silence. We all looked at each other. I felt a surge of excitement, and all thoughts of a restaurant evaporated from my mind.

“How?” Niki asked.

“You first” Ron said. “How did you survive the explosion?”

“Will power and luck” Niki said. “Now you.”

Ron and Ayrton looked at each other.

“Fine” Ron said. “Union Pacific Railroad are looking for land, labor and resources for the construction. We’ve set up a fake company, and we’re going to sell them things that don’t exist.”

Niki’s eyes glittered. I smiled.

“Your turn” Ayrton said. “Were have you been all winter?”

“We took work as farm hands” I said.

Ayrton and Ron both looked at us.

“That’s brilliant” Ayrton said. “All winter?”

“Yes.”

I thought about the long claustrophobic winter we had just left behind us. Brilliant? More like fighting to survive. But they didn’t need to know that.

“That’s exactly why we need you” Ron said. “You think differently. Outside the box. We’ve set up an appointment with the railroad representative in a few weeks, but we need to plan how to do the con.”

“How much money are you expecting?” Niki said. “And how do you plan to divide the profits?”

Ron and Niki haggled about money for a while. I listened for a few minutes, but quickly got bored with all the numbers and poured another drink for myself and Ayrton instead. We chatted about the town and what possibilities it held for entertainment. Something about Ayrton intrigued me. He seemed serious and thoughtful, like Niki, but there was something sensitive and vulnerable about him that Niki lacked.

“Where do you guys live?” I asked, while Niki and Ron argued about expenses.

“At the office. We’ve rented the top floor above the hardware store for our fake business. It has living quarters as well as the office.”

“We’re just about to move into a flat just off the north side of Main Street” I said. “Next to the doctor’s? Mr  Moss owns it?”

“Yeah, I know who it is. Seems nice. A bit odd perhaps.”

“I’m fine with odd” I said and looked at Niki.

Ayrton smiled.

“I’m really honored to meet you” he said. “When I helped Niki bust you out I didn’t quite realize who you were. I’m glad I got another chance to meet you.”

“Well, I’m happy you helped him blow up a town to get me out” I grinned.

He grinned back.

 

After the meeting Niki and I went for a walk to talk things over. It was getting late, and the street was full of drunk people and music spilling out of saloons and brothels.

“What do you think?” I asked Niki.

“We were going to go legal” he said, with something sad in his voice.

“Yeah, and bored to death” I said.

We looked at each other.

“Let it go, honey” I said. “We’re never going to be content with a normal job. You know it as well as I do. It was a nice dream, but be realistic. You’re good at that.”

He looked at me.

“What did you call me?” he asked.

I had to think, but smiled when I realized what I’d said.

“Honey.”

“What happened to ratty?”

“Well, if you prefer that…”

“No, no” he said, looking amused. “Honey is fine.”

I looked at him, puzzled by how pleased he seemed. We walked in silence for a few minutes.

“Let’s do it” Niki said.

I looked at him and smiled. He smiled back.

“Want to celebrate with a drink?” I asked.

“No. I want to go back to the hotel and fuck your brains out.”


	23. Chapter 23

It was dark, but enough moonlight came in through the windows to let me see the sparse selection of borrowed furniture, shipped in from God knew where intended for someone else who never claimed them. I felt a moment of despair. Was this the best we could do? This would never be a home, it was just another temporary stop. On the way to where?

“Are you coming to bed?” Niki yelled from the bedroom.

“Yeah, coming” I called back.

I tried to move, but my feet seemed stuck on the bare planks of our living room floor. I could feel the uneven wood under my naked soles. After a little while I heard another pair of naked feet walk up behind me. Niki put his arms around me.

“Come to bed” he said and leaned his head on my shoulder. “It’s cold without you.”

I smiled and felt a small ray of light cut through my darkness.

“You know, sometimes you can be romantic without meaning to” I said.

He kissed my neck.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “We finally have our own place. This is good.”

“Yes, but what kind of place? Nothing here is ours, and how long will we stay?”

“This is the way it is” he said calmly. “If we want to continue with crime, we have to keep moving.”

“I know. But I don’t want it to be like that.”

“What’s the point of thinking about things that can’t be?” he asked.

“Not everything has a point” I said. “Sometimes you’re just sad.”

He was quiet for a while. I felt him breathe next to me, his skin warm against mine.

“I know” he said finally. “Please come to bed.”

I followed him into the bedroom and tried to feel grateful that we had one. It was better than a hotel room, it just wasn’t what I had longed for.

We lay down in the bed. The sheets were wonderfully clean. We had bought them new, no one had slept in them before us.

“Maybe we should try and find a permanent place” Niki said in a thoughtful tone. “We would still have to move around, but we could have a house or flat to return to. Maybe a fake company to explain where our money comes from.”

“I’d like that” I said.

“Where do you want to live?”

“London.”

I hadn’t known I was going to say it before it came out.

“London, England?” Niki asked and sounded surprised.

“Yeah. I don’t know. I guess I’m a bit homesick. It will pass.”

“We can go to London.”

I looked at him. He looked back, his eyes black in the dim light, his face serious.

“We can” he repeated. “We just get on a boat. It’s easy.”

“Yeah, maybe it is.”

“Just don’t make me go back to Berlin.”

I laughed.

“I won’t” I said. “Why don’t we finish this con, collect our money and go to Europe?”

“Fine. I was thinking maybe San Francisco, but we can do Europe. No problem.”

He grinned. I kissed him. Niki could be rigid in his thinking, but at the same time there were so many possibilities with him that I’d never had with anyone else. So much we could do, the world lay open at our feet.

“We can do both” I said. “Europe could just be a… a holiday.”

“Yeah.”

I put my head on his shoulder and let the feeling of being safe and loved slowly spread through me. He put his hand on my head and caressed my hair. I listened to his heartbeat.

“Say something in German” I asked.

“What?”

“Anything. Just talk for a while.”

“Okay.”

He was quiet for a moment, and then started to talk in a soft voice. I had no idea what he was saying, but I listened to the strange words and the strange rhythm that poured so easily from his mind and tongue. Like a kind of music. I let it carry me away and lull me to sleep.

 

The table of Ayrton’s and Ron’s little office above the hardware store was covered in maps. The planned extension of the railroad was drawn on them, and next to them were long lists of calculations of how much iron, wood, rocks and gravel would be needed for each mile. We all found our roles fairly quickly. Niki couldn’t calculate anything to save his life, and I wasn’t very good at it either to be honest. But Ayrton and Ron could, so that job fell to them. Ayrton had experience from construction, and Niki contributed with his eye for detail and strive for perfection that didn’t let us stop until we were certain everything had been covered. My job would come later, when it was time to put all these plans into action.

There was a certain irony about working with trains again, and I had a feeling of coming full circle. Only now everything was so much bigger. I couldn’t believe it was only a year ago that I was robbing train passengers for spare change and jewelry.

In the evenings we went out to eat, and then headed to the saloon for drinks. I felt comfortable in our little group, happy about having intelligent people around me.

“Is he any good?” Ayrton asked and nodded at Niki who had just sat down at one of the poker tables.

“Good enough” I grinned and remembered the fight I had gotten him out of.

My thoughts often returned to that first night. I hadn’t realized at the time what made it so special, but of course I did now. If I had known then how we would end up just a few months later…

“I’m not too bad myself” Ron said and got up to join them.

“Is _he_ any good?” I asked Ayrton.

Ayrton laughed.

“Not as good as he thinks he is” he said and got up. “I’m going to get myself a girl, will you join me?”

I looked at Niki. He was busy with his game, and probably would be for a few hours. I nodded and got up.

When I returned to our flat Niki was just getting ready for bed.

“Who won the game?” I asked.

He grinned.

“Who do you think?” he said, looking very pleased with himself.

“So, is Ron your enemy for life now?”

“Nah, he’ll get over it.”

He came up to me and hugged me, but let go right away and took a step back.

“You smell like hooker” he said. “Did you have a good time?”

“Sorry” I said. “It just… Ayrton asked, and I…”

It had seemed so natural when Ayrton had asked, but now I wasn’t so sure.

“Whatever” Niki said and went into the bedroom. “Good night.”

He went to bed. I sat at the kitchen table for a while, wondering what to do. I couldn’t even tell if he was angry, hurt or neither. It was a new experience, trying to decide how to take care of my relationship. I had always done what I felt like, followed my heart and gone along with everything that seemed to offer a good time. I still wanted to do all that, but now there was the risk of losing Niki hovering like a massive dark cloud over me.

I finally went to bed too.

“Are you awake?” I asked.

He didn’t answer. I wanted to talk to him, and at the same time I didn’t. He made me so happy, but sometimes he was also like a ball and chain around my foot. And so confusing. The temptation to run away and do something completely different, far away from this strange, complicated person, flashed through my mind. I tried to shut it out and go to sleep.

 

The next few weeks kept us busy. It didn’t take long for us to realize what a massive project we had taken on. This was bigger than any bank robbery, and I both enjoyed the challenge and felt weighed down by all the things that could go wrong. Niki insisted on creating an escape route, and sent telegrams to San Francisco to set up a flat and a fake company there for us so we could disappear quickly whenever we were done here.  

Slowly all our planning started to yield results. Ron sent telegrams to the railroad company, and finally they agreed to a meeting. I took our maps and lists and went to see them. They were building about three days hard ride from our town, and had set up camp there. I met with the boss on site, a pleasant-looking Italian called Luca di Montezemolo. He greeted me with a friendly smile, but his eyes were cool and intelligent and his handshake firm.

“Nice to meet you, mr Wallis” he said after I introduced myself with a fake name.

“My pleasure” I said. “I look forward to doing business with you.”

“Well, your proposal sounds promising. If you can deliver everything you claim you will, I’m sure we can get along just fine. As I’m sure you know we’re in great need of resources, but that doesn’t mean we’ll take anything we come across.”

“Of course not” I said. “Quality is everything. Quality for a reasonable price, of course.”

He showed me around the camp, which was frankly quite disgusting. Dirty men living in dirty tents and working hard with boring, physical labor. The whole camp stank of too many people in not enough space, but it was interesting to see how they did it. First they had to dig a wide, shallow trench that had to be as straight and level as possible, then they filled it up with rocks about the size of a fist. Then gravel and sand, packed hard, until they had a level, steady bed that they could lay the wooden sleepers on that would support the rails. They had mobile workshops for anything from the sleepers to the nails they used to fasten the rails. He showed us the wagons of material they brought along with them, and told us how quickly they used it up. Our calculations were spot on.

After the tour I followed him inside the train car that served as his home and office, and showed him our lists and prices. There was some haggling, and we finally reached an agreement and signed a contract. Putting my (fake) name on that piece of paper was incredibly satisfying.

“I will come and inspect your goods next week” Montezemolo said.

“I’m certain you will be very satisfied” I said.

 

While I was away the others were working on securing the samples we would show to Montezemolo as he arrived. Ayrton was looking around the area for saw mills and rock quarries that suited our needs, and then it would be up to me to convince the owners that we wanted to buy them but had to wait until we had a visit from our boss to authorize the purchase. It was a delight to talk to people, tell them stories and make them trust me, even though sometimes I missed the simplicity of barging into a train car or hijacking a stage coach.

The day before Montezemolo was coming to inspect our goods, I walked into the saloon and my heart nearly stopped when I saw US Marshal Bernie Ecclestone stand by the bar. I stood in the doorway, unable to think or move.

“Are you going in or out?” someone muttered and pushed past me.

I was just about to step out onto the street again when Ecclestone turned his head and looked right at me. He didn’t react at first, but then he looked puzzled and turned his eyes back to me for a better look. I backed out on the street, trying to seem like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and walked back to our flat. Nobody followed me, but I was certain he had recognized me. How could he not? It might take him a while to place me if he truly thought I was dead, but he would eventually.

Niki wasn’t in the flat, and I paced anxiously around the place trying to decide what to do. My first instinct was to get Niki and run, but I hated having to give up everything we had worked for. What was Ecclestone even doing here?

I finally decided I had to talk to Niki. I went out, carefully checking the street to make sure Ecclestone was nowhere in sight, and then headed for the office using back streets as much as possible. My heart was pounding with terror as I ran up the stairs at the back of the hardware store and barged into the office, interrupting Niki and Ron in the middle of an argument.

They both looked up at me.

“Ecclestone!” I blurted out.

Silence. Ron gave me a funny look, but Niki’s eyes slowly filled with horror.

“He’s here?” he said quietly.

I nodded. The color drained from Niki’s face.

“We have to go” he said.

Ron looked at him.

“Go where?” he asked.

Niki ignored him.

“Where did you see him?”

“The saloon.”

“Were there any other marshals with him?”

“None that I recognized.”

“Marshals?” Ron said with alarm. “What, _that_ Ecclestone?”

“Do you think he’s looking for us?” Niki asked, still focused on me. “He thinks we’re dead.”

“Wait, Ecclestone is _here_?” Ron said.

“Shut up” Niki snapped at him.

“He saw me” I said.

“Fuck.”

Niki and I looked at each other, anxious indecision hanging in the air between us.

“Maybe we can still finish the con” I said. “If I stay out of sight…”

“What?” Ron said. “Of course we finish the con! Do you realize how much money is riding on this?”

“Could you excuse us for a moment” Niki said to Ron. “We need to discuss this in private.”

His voice was cold and sarcastically polite, and I wondered what they had been arguing about when I came in.

“I think this concerns all of us” Ron said.

“And I think it doesn’t” Niki said.

Ron looked like he might argue, but then he got up and stomped out of the room, muttering angrily and slamming the door behind him. I sat down next to Niki.

“Can we risk it?” he said. “We can’t hide you, the whole plan depends on you making Montezemolo happy.”

“Maybe we can say I was sick and let Ayrton take care of Montezemolo?”

Niki shook his head.

“He’s not as good with people as you are. It has to be you. Maybe if we create a diversion, keep Ecclestone busy.”

I nodded, but didn’t feel convinced.

“I don’t want to be caught again” I said.

I looked at Niki, and he looked back at me. His eyes mirrored the nauseating fear I felt.

“Do you want to run?” he asked. “Because if you want to run, we run. None of this is worth our lives. We still have our bank money, we can start again somewhere else. Go to San Francisco, or Europe, or wherever the fuck we want.”

I nodded. There was a knock on the door. It opened and Ayrton came in followed by Ron.

“Ron says the marshals are here” Ayrton said. “Is it true?”

“At least one” I said. “But we don’t know why he’s here. Maybe if we could find out more we don’t have to leave.”

“Leave?” Ayrton said with scorn in his voice. “Are you running away? You’re scared?”

“Of course we’re scared” Niki said. “I nearly died rescuing James from prison, where he was waiting to be hanged!”

Awkward silence filled the room, as everyone tried not to look at Niki’s scarred face, of at me.

“So what do we do now?” Ron said at last.

“Someone needs to talk to him” I said reluctantly. “Find out why he’s here and if he knows we’re here. He saw me, but if he thinks we’re dead he might not bother trying to find me.”

“I’ll do it” Ayrton said.

Niki and I looked at each other. Niki’s eyes said “no” but I could see no other way. I turned to Ayrton again and nodded.

“Be careful” I said. “You have to be very discreet. He’s really smart, don’t underestimate him.”

Ayrton scoffed.

“I’m not an idiot” he said.


	24. Chapter 24

We waited. We couldn’t go to the saloon, couldn’t go anywhere really, so we stayed at the flat all night. We prepared for a quick escape, packed our things in a strained silence and then took turns keeping watch through the night. When it was my turn I sat staring at the street, listening for any sound, my chest so full of anxiety it was hard to breathe. I tried not to think back to my time of imprisonment, sitting in that cell waiting for my death sentence. But every time I tried to push the memories away they just seemed to come back with greater clarity. I got a bottle of booze out and poured a glass to try and chase them off.

I woke up when I fell off my chair. I looked up, confused, and saw Niki standing over me looking furious. It was early morning and the first hint of dawn lit the room just enough so I could see his face. I wondered if he had pushed me off the chair, or if I had fallen. Would he do that?

“What the fuck” I muttered, rubbed my aching hip and elbow that had broken my fall, and climbed back onto the chair.

“You’re drunk!” he yelled, and swept the bottle off the table.

It rattled over the floor, and I realized it was empty.

“Calm down” I said and tried to rub sleep out of my eyes. “You could have broken the damned thing.”

“Calm down?” he said with a voice dangerously low, shivering with withheld emotion. “You were supposed to keep watch in case the marshals come for us, and you’re fucking drunk and sleeping?”

He was so angry he was stumbling over the words, sounding more German than English, and his hands were shaking. I started feeling scared. I had never seen him this angry. I stood up.

“Well, they didn’t fucking come, did they?” I said.

He hit me in the face. I was so shocked I didn’t understand what had happened at first. Then I felt pain spread over my cheek and blood started to drip from my nose.

“You…” I stuttered. “You hit me!”

I wiped my nose, and my hand came away dark with blood.

“Maybe that will knock some sense into you” he spat, the venom in his voice and eyes hurting me much worse than the blow to my face.

“I can’t believe you hit me” I said.

My throat twisted itself together and I felt like crying. Now that the shock of being so abruptly awakened was starting to pass I realized how badly I had fucked up. I looked at the bottle lying empty on the floor and tried to remember drinking it. He was right, they could have come for us, and we would have been helpless. It had quite a sobering effect.

“Go to bed” he said. “I’ll take the rest of the watch.”

“Niki, I’m sorry” I said.

“You’re sorry? If you want us killed, why don’t you just shoot us? At least it will be quick. What do you think they’ll do to us when they catch us? Before they hang us? We blew up the sheriff’s station, possibly killed some marshals in the process.”

His voice was shaking, and it struck me that his anger was just masking the true emotion underneath: fear. The same fear of being caught and killed that was threatening to tear me apart as well. Seeing it in his eyes, and knowing it was my fault, was too much. I started to cry.  

“Niki, please. I’m so sorry” I sobbed. “I didn’t mean to drink so much… just a glass to calm down. I was so scared…”

I could hear how pathetic I sounded, but I couldn’t stop. He looked at me, the anger in his eyes slowly fading.

“Go to bed” he said in a tired voice. “Sleep it off. We can talk later.”

I went to bed and quietly cried myself to sleep, while Niki took up watch by the window.

When I woke up the next time it was full daylight and Niki was gone. For a horrible moment I thought he had left me, but then I saw that his stuff was still there. I went into the kitchen and found a note on the table.

_Gone to check for news. Stay here. /N_

I poured water in the wash basin to wash my face. It was freezing; if Niki had washed before me he hadn’t bothered to heat it first. I didn’t either. The cold water in my face felt satisfying, as a vague kind of punishment. I washed my face, shaved, and inspected the bruise that covered my left cheek. It didn’t look too bad, but it would be clear to anyone who saw me that I’d taken a punch. I looked at it for a while with a strange mix of sadness and satisfaction. I deserved it.

I made coffee and sat down by the kitchen table. After I’d had two cups and Niki still hadn’t shown up I couldn’t stand it anymore. I went downstairs to the porch, careful to check if anyone saw me, and rolled a cigarette. Just as I lit it our landlord came out.

“Good morning” he said.

I offered him a cigarette.

“Thanks, but I prefer this” he said and took a pipe out of his pocket

He stuffed and lit it.

“I heard some noise last night” he said in a conversational tone, and made a gesture at my face. “Lovers’ quarrel?”

I stared at him, too astonished to say anything. He smiled.

“None of my business, I know” he said. “But you might want to settle your differences in a less violent way. Got a temper, does he?”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Um… not normally” I said. “I did something really stupid.”

I looked at him, holding my breath, waiting to see how he would react. Had I misunderstood or was he really talking about Niki and myself as lovers?

“Well, that happens” Mr Moss said. “Nothing like make-up sex though, is there?”

He grinned and then sucked at his pipe. I finished my cigarette in anxious silence. I wanted to say something, get him to talk, find out how he knew about us. Was he… Had he felt what we did? With a man? I had thought of the possibility of others like us, had heard rumors. And there wouldn’t be rules against sodomy in the Bible unless there was cause for it. But for once in my life I couldn’t find the words. After a while he knocked the ashes out of his pipe, wished me a good day and went inside.

I went upstairs again, thinking I had to tell Niki about what had just happened, but then I remembered our fight. Thinking about what I had done, what might have happened and the way he had looked at me when he hit me made me hate myself with a burning passion. I put some more wood in the stove, put the coffee pot on again and then sat at the table nursing my self-pity until Niki came in about half an hour later. He stopped just inside the door and looked at me. We looked at each other in uneasy silence for a little while, not sure where we had each other.

“Did you get hold of Ayrton?” I asked.

He smiled a little and came up to me.

“Yes. I woke him up.”

“Why am I not surprised? And?”

He sat down at the table, and I poured him a cup of coffee.

“Ecclestone’s here to visit family.”

“Family? Here?”

Niki smiled.

“Unless he was lying to Ayrton” he said. “Which he might. But even so, Ayrton is sure that he’s here alone and off duty.”

“Did he recognize me? Does he know I’m here?”

“I don’t know. Ayrton tried to get him to talk about us, but he was very vague.”

“He knows” I said. “But what will he do? Will he try to catch us?”

“I don’t know. Montezemolo is coming today. We have to decide what to do.”

He drank some coffee and looked at my bruised cheek. Then he looked out the window, and finally down at his hands, seeming uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry” he said.

“I deserved it.”

“No. I went too far.”

“Well, so did I.”

He looked at me, and I hated the sad look in his eyes. I wanted his normal cocky attitude back.

“I say we finish the con” I said. “Do you have a plan for distracting Ecclestone?”

He nodded.

“I’ll take care of him” he said. “So you can concentrate on Montezemolo.”

“How about Ayrton and Ron?”

“Everything is ready. They know what to do.”

I tried to smile through the mess of fear and excitement that filled me.

 

When it was time to go and collect Montezemolo from the coach I was shaking with nerves. This was so much more than just a robbery. Even without Ecclestone out there somewhere I would still have been nervous, but I would have enjoyed it too. Now I was just scared.

“Are you okay?” Niki asked as I came out from the privy.

I nodded, though I felt anything but okay. At least the most immediate nausea had faded, and despite my shaking hands and pounding heart I thought I could pull it off.

 

The coach was expected around two in the afternoon, and I waited anxiously in the shadow outside the post office, constantly scanning the street for any signs of Ecclestone. When I finally saw the coach approach I thought I might need to throw up again. This was too much. How could I possibly pull this off? But then Luca di Montezemolo stepped out and smiled at me, and I felt my back straighten and a confident smile spread over my face. Of course I could do this. I was the best at doing just this.  

“Mr Wallis” he said. “How nice of you to meet me.”

“No trouble at all” I said. “How was your trip?”

“Tiresome” Montezemolo said looked at the bruise on my cheek. “I hope that’s not an unsatisfied customer?”

He grinned.

“Definitely not” I said. “Just a fight over a girl.”

“Hope she was worth it.”

“Oh, very much.”

We both laughed.

“Would you like a drink or something to eat before we begin?” I asked.

“I’d rather get started, if you don’t mind. Maybe later?”

“Of course. I’ve arranged for a horse for you.”

“How kind.”

“I thought we might start at the saw mill and look at the sleepers, and then head over to the quarry to check out the ballast material.”

“Excellent.”


	25. Chapter 25

Bernie saw the young man exit the saloon, but it took him a while to realize who it was. James Hunt. It couldn’t be. James Hunt was dead. Neither he nor his partner had been heard from for more than six months after the disaster they left behind them when Hunt broke out of prison. That just didn’t happen. Criminals talked about going underground, going legit, disappearing from sight of the law enforcement, but they never did. They couldn’t help themselves, they just had to keep stealing, killing or whatever they did. Hunt had done both, and would soon do so again.

But weeks and then months passed and nothing was heard from either of them. There were other robberies, but none that matched their descriptions. Once, around Christmas, Bernie had followed the trail of a pair of coach robbers, almost convinced it was them, but when he finally caught up with them it had turned out to be someone else. Finally he started to accept that they were dead. They must have ridden off into the wilderness, possibly injured from the explosions, and died. Maybe gotten into a fight with someone else and gotten themselves shot. There was no other explanation.

He might have been able to live with the frustration if that had been all, but then their names started to pop up all over the place. Criminals he caught and interrogated talked about the Gentleman Robbers as idols and role models. A journalist came out from Chicago and wanted to interview him for a book on Hunt and Lauda. People talked about them with respect, even worship, and why? Because they had robbed a bunch of banks and then disappeared. He wanted to scream to the idiots who worshipped them: _How can you not understand what they’ve done? How many people they killed?_ They  weren’t heroes, they were monsters.

And there was Hunt, in the door to the saloon. Only for a second, but Bernie was almost completely sure. If it had just been any blond, tall, arrogant man walking in and minding his own business, he might never have noticed. There were plenty of those around. But Hunt had seen him, stopped in the door and gone outside again. It _had_ to be him.

“James Hunt?” his son-in-law Pete said when Bernie came back from the saloon. “No, doesn’t ring a bell.”

The house was quiet, Tamarra and the baby were asleep.

“Tall blond guy, good-looking, talks a lot? Probably spends a lot of time at the saloon. Draws a crowd, popular with women.”

Pete laughed.

“Yeah I think I know who you mean. What about him?”

“Just wanna talk to him” Bernie muttered and held back a feeling of excitement and frustration.

Hunt might be getting away this very moment. Slipping out of his hands yet again.

“What’s he done?” Pete said.

“Who said he’s done anything?”

“Why you wanna talk to him if he hasn’t done anything?”

“Just keep your eyes open” Bernie said impatiently. “Tell me if you see him.”

He couldn’t sleep that night. He lay awake thinking about what to do. If Hunt was in town he had to do something. If he let this opportunity slip he would regret it for the rest of his life. But what could he do? He might be able to get the sheriff to help, but would that be enough? Hunt had proved several times how dangerous he was, and if he had his partner here as well, maybe even others? It was a stupid risk to take when he was alone and unprepared. Still…

The next morning he took a walk through town. He didn’t see anyone he recognized, and the saloon was empty. He went over to the sheriff’s station.

“Good morning, mr Ecclestone” sheriff Berger said. “What can I do for you?”

Bernie walked inside, and sat down at the table. Berger poured him a glass of water.

“Thanks. Do you know a guy called Hunt? Tall Englishman, young, blond hair, lots of charisma.”

“I don’t recognize the name” Berger said. “But I’ve seen a guy like that at the saloon. Hangs out with this little guy with a burned face who cheats at poker.”

“Burned face?”

“Yeah” Berger made a gesture to his right cheek. “Looks terrible, can’t imagine what might have happened to him. One ear’s nearly gone.”

Bernie felt a mix of excitement and disappointment wash through him. That must be Lauda. So Hunt’s creepy partner had survived as well, but had gotten hurt. In the explosions? It made sense, but meant bad news. From what Bernie had deduced, Lauda was the brain of the operation. It would have been easier to catch Hunt alone. On the other hand it was going to be very satisfying to finally catch Lauda.

“The burnt guy, is he German?”

“Don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk.”

“You don’t know much, do you?” Bernie said with a sharp voice that made Berger cringe.

“Well, they haven’t been any trouble” he said apologetically. “I can’t keep track of every person in this town. I have enough to do stopping drunk idiots from dueling on the streets.”

Bernie gave him a look of contempt. He had considered telling the sheriff the truth, and ask for help in catching them, but decided not to. Sometimes local law enforcement developed unhealthy ambitions if they realized they had a high profile criminal within their reach. And what help would he be when he hadn’t even noticed he had robbers and killers right under his nose? Idiot.  

“Do you know where either of them live?” he asked.

“Sorry, no.”

“Course you don’t. Okay” Bernie said and got up. “Let me know if you hear anything.”

He went back to Pete and Tamarra’s house. Pete had gone to his job at the saw mill, but Tamarra and the baby were home, and he spent a quiet morning with them. When his daughter went to change the baby’s diapers Bernie looked over his guns, made sure everything was in working order and within reach. Around lunchtime he went down to the saloon again. It wasn’t exactly crowded, not the way it was in the evenings, but there were some people drinking there already. Bernie talked to a few of them, told them that if they could give him information of Hunt’s whereabouts there might be something in it for them.

He went back to the house and waited, frustrated that he couldn’t do more. Hunt and Lauda might be gone already. Hunt had most certainly recognized Bernie the night before. Why would they stay? Unless they were involved in something that they didn’t want to interrupt. They were arrogant assholes, full of themselves, they might very well take the risk. But for what? Trinity had a bank, but it was too small to fit Hunt’s and Lauda’s ambitions. Surely they were looking for a bigger catch? Unless they had spent their money over the winter and were desperate?  And where the hell had they been?

The coach was coming at two pm, and Bernie had a mind to go and have a look, but just as he was about to leave the house he was stopped by a young man with a southern look to him; olive skin, black curly hair and big dark eyes. Probably Mexican. He looked like a clown in a white hat and red cravat.

“Fuck off” Bernie muttered and made a gesture to push past the man.

“I hear you’re looking for information about James Hunt” the man said. “I know where you can find him.”

Bernie stopped and looked at him.

“Really?” he said.

“Yes. My father runs a… establishment. Special services. Girls, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Get to the point.”

“Well, Hunt just showed up there. All you have to do is wait for him to finish, and then do whatever you want with him.”

Bernie looked at him suspiciously.

“Why are you telling me?” he asked.

The young man made a gesture that meant money.

“My old man don’t pay me much” he said sullenly. “Chester at the saloon said you’ll pay for information about Hunt.”

Bernie hesitated. He shouldn’t go without back-up. He could stop by the Sheriff on the way, but that might make the informer nervous and decide to tip Hunt off instead of serve him up to the law. These lowlife scum were like that.

“Fine, take me to him” he said. “But I hope you understand that I’m a US Marshal. If you tell me anything that isn’t true, I won’t bother having you prosecuted. I’ll just hang you right away, and I’ll be within my right.”

That wasn’t exactly true, but the horrified expression on the man’s face was incredibly satisfying.

“No no” he said. “It’s true! Hunt comes all the time, he likes our girls. Maybe you like them too? Much better than the other girls in town, or in the whole state! We have special discount for law enforcement.”

“Maybe later” Bernie said. “Go on, show me the way.”

He followed the man down Main Street a bit and then into one of the side streets. They stopped outside a scruffy-looking building that showed no sign of being a brothel. Warning bells went off in his mind. This was a trap. And the Mexican had only mentioned Hunt. Where was Lauda?

“You’re not coming?” the man asked with a hand on the door handle.

Bernie reached for his gun, but then another man walked around the corner. He was a little older than the Mexican, white, with thin blond hair.

“Hey” he said to the young Mexican. “Are you open?”

“Of course.”

“Is… is Yolanda free?”

The Mexican grinned.

“Of course” he said. “We save her for you, you know that.”

The man grinned and went inside. Bernie followed.

It was dark inside, and before Bernie’s eyes had time to adjust to the darkness, he felt someone grab him from behind and quickly tie his hands together. He realized it was the Mexican, and felt a sharp sour disappointment well up inside him. How could he have been so stupid? The other man stood a few feet away looking slightly uncomfortable, so he was probably in on it too. But before Bernie had time to talk to either of them, another man showed up in front of him. He could tell right away that it was Lauda, from the burn scars on the right side of his face. The sheriff had been right, it looked terrible. How had he survived an injury like that?

“Niki Lauda?” Bernie said.

“That’s right.”

“You’re under arrest for robbery, murder and arson. You’ll surrender yourself to me, and I might...”

“I don’t think so” Lauda said, took a knife out and sliced it across Bernie’s throat.

He heard the Mexican man gasp, the other one cry out, and then he felt the pain. A sharp, searing pain that made him dizzy, and then blood started to pour down his chest.

“Holy shit, Niki!” someone said. “You didn’t have to do that!”

“Yes I did. Go and do your jobs, I’ll get rid of the body.”

Bernie slid down on the floor, his vision slowly going black around the edges. He tried to think, tried to reach his guns, but his hands were tied behind his back. He lay there helpless on the floor and felt the blood pour out of him. He felt nauseous with fear. This was it. He was going to die, brutally murdered by a German bank robber. No one would ever know what had happened to him. He would just disappear. His last thought was of his daughter.


	26. Chapter 26

When I came back to the office after seeing Montezemolo off the other three were there, all of them standing up and shouting at each other.

“You said take care of him!” Ron yelled at Niki, his voice shrill with emotion. “Take care of him! Not kill him!”

“What the fuck did you think I meant?” Niki yelled. “Have a chat with him? Ask him to kindly stop hunting us?”

“You don’t even know that he was going to try and catch you!” Ayrton said, sounding like he was about to cry.

Niki turned to Ayrton, and if looks could kill Ayrton would have met his maker that second.

“How stupid can you get?” he said.

Ayrton flinched. Silence fell while everyone stared at each other.

“What the fuck happened?” I asked.

They all turned to look at me as if they didn’t notice me until now. No one said anything.

“What happened?!” I yelled.

“Niki killed Ecclestone” Ayrton said in a weak voice, looking pale and drained.

I looked at Niki. He looked defiantly back at me.

“You killed him?” I asked.

He nodded. His eyes dared me to question what he’d done. I didn’t know how to react at first, but then I did: Massive, wonderful relief. I smiled.  

“I fucking love you” I said, walked up to him and hugged him, hard.

I let go again and took a step back. Niki grinned happily. We looked at each other for several long seconds, oblivious to the two others.

“What the fuck?” Ron said.

“You’re sure he’s dead?” I asked Niki.

Niki nodded. I turned it around in my mind. Ecclestone was dead. I remembered how he had denied me food and water while I was in prison. The way he had questioned me, the scorn on his face and in his voice.

“You’re okay with this?” Ron asked. “This wasn’t self-defense, this was murder.”

I shrugged.

“If Niki decided it was the right thing to do, I’m sure it was.”

Ron shook his head.

“You two” he said, his voice full of fear and disgust. “There’s something wrong with you two.”

“I thought you said we were living legends.”

“Not anymore. You’ve gone too far. I did not sign up for this” Ron complained. “We were going to con the railroad company, not slit people’s throats.”

I looked at Niki and raised my eyebrows.

“You slit his throat?” I asked.

“Yeah. Shooting him would make too much noise.”

I nodded, torn between horror and admiration.

“It was the most cold-blooded thing I’ve ever seen” Ron said, and Ayrton’s face went another shade paler.

“Oh shut up!” Niki snapped. “I’ve had enough of your whining. James, did we get the money?”

“We did” I said and waved the cheques Montezemolo had signed.

I’d gotten him to divide the money in two cheques. I’d babbled something about sub-companies and suppliers, but of course it was so we could divide the money more easily. Montezemolo had given me a funny look, and for a horrible moment I’d thought that he wouldn’t sign. But he did.

“Here is yours” I said and handed one of them ceremoniously to Ron.

He looked at it suspiciously, then demanded to see the other one. I showed it to him, and after some scrutiny he seemed satisfied. I turned to Ayrton, who looked like he might throw up. He suddenly looked very young.

“Are you okay?” I asked and put a hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged it off.

“Go” he said. “I don’t ever want to see either of you again.”

“That works for me” Niki said. “Pleasure working with you, let’s never do this again.”

He walked out the door. I gave Ron and Ayrton an apologetic shrug and then followed him.

“What happened with Ecclestone?” I said when we came out on the street.

“I’ll tell you when we get to the flat” he said.

“Do we need to run? Will anyone come after us?”

“No. At least not yet.”

We went back to the flat. My heart was still pounding from the con and the argument, and I was exhausted and wired at the same time. As soon as we got inside the flat and closed the door Niki turned to me, put his arms around me and kissed me. The tension of the whole day seemed to erupt and set us both on fire, and we started pulling at each other’s’ clothes. He kissed me hard, pushed me against the wall and pulled at my belt buckle until it came loose. He shoved his hand inside my pants and grabbed my cock. I moaned, kissed him back, tore his shirt open so the buttons fell to the floor with little clicking sounds, and ran my hands over his body. His skin was so hot and smooth, I couldn’t get enough of it. He tore at my clothes and I heard something rip. I got his pants open, pulled them down, ran my hands over his ass and hips and then to his cock. We kissed and jerked each other off, almost too hard to be pleasant but I was so turned on he could have done anything and it would have been wonderful.

“Let’s go to the bedroom” he panted and I followed him while kicking off my pants and shrugging out of my shirt.

We threw ourselves on the bed and continued kissing, grasping at each other and rubbing our cocks against each other until it felt like I might explode.

“I want you to fuck me” I panted and got on my hands and feet. “You don’t need to be careful.”

He obliged me. It hurt when he came inside, and for a moment I regretted telling him not to be careful. But the violence of the situation, after the day we’d had, was also part of the turn-on, and after the first few moments the pain started to fade. I started to stroke my own cock while he moved inside me, and felt like my brain might come apart when I finally came. I heard myself scream, and if Niki made any sound when he came it was lost in the noise I made. We collapsed together on the bed, completely spent.

“Jesus Christ” I said when I’d gotten my breath back. “That was intense.”

Niki didn’t say anything. I looked at him and noticed tears running down his face. I got up on one elbow and leaned over him. He turned over on his side, facing me, pulled his knees up and put his hands over his face.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” I asked.

He didn’t answer, and I looked on in helpless anxiety while his body shook and he sobbed into his hands.

“Is it because you killed Ecclestone?” I asked and gently caressed his back.

It was slick with sweat. He shook his head. I put my arms around him and hugged him. We lay still like that for maybe a few minutes.   

“Sorry” he said finally, his voice thick from crying and muffled behind his hands. “I don’t know what happened. Maybe just tension.”

“I get it” I said and gently pulled his hands away. “It’s been a difficult day.”

He nodded and sniffled. I grabbed a handkerchief from the bedside table and wiped the tears off his face. He looked embarrassed but lay still and let me do it. I kissed his forehead and handed him the handkerchief. He sat up and blew his nose.  

“Do you want to tell me what happened with Ecclestone?” I asked.

He shrugged.

“Not much to tell” he said. “I got Ayrton and Ron to trick him into coming to the empty house behind the butcher’s, and when he got there I killed him.”

“So it was planned? You meant to do it all along?”

He nodded.

“I didn’t want to tell you before, you needed to concentrate on Montezemolo.”

“I’m glad you didn’t” I said and kissed his face again. “You did good.”

His skin had a sharp taste of salt, from sweat and tears. I kissed the scars, so familiar to me now. I couldn’t remember anymore how he had looked and felt like before the accident.

“I love you so fucking much” I said.

“I love you too.”

“What do we do now?”

He smiled.

“Cash that cheque and go to Europe.”

I smiled back and nodded.

We spent another hour or so in bed, resting and talking and then having sex again, much gentler this time. Then we got dressed and went out for dinner. It felt strange to walk out onto the street and not have to be afraid of Ecclestone. Part of me worried about what I had become. What Niki had become. We should feel guilty. No, we shouldn’t be in this situation at all. But we were, and we didn’t. I just felt free. Weightless. Rich and not hunted by marshals. It was a glorious feeling.

We went to a restaurant, had a good meal, took our time. Talked about what we wanted to do when we got to San Francisco. We both wanted to buy some new clothes, something suitable for city life after all this time in the West. Maybe we would hire a servant or two to carry our things and pamper us on the trip over to England. Then we went back to the flat, sat by our kitchen table and played cards and had a drink. It felt like we were the only people in the world. At least the only ones that mattered. 

We went to bed and slept like babies. No nightmares, no worries. The next morning we packed our things, left money and a note for Mr Moss, got our horses from the stable and left Trinity. Next stop: San Francisco, and from there a boat to England. I looked at Niki when we rode out of town. He looked at me and smiled. His eyes were so blue in the sunlight. I had never been happier.

 

THE END

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who made it this far: thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it!


End file.
